Ssss…….

Sssss……….

Whispering

Sighing

Singing

Screaming

Manic

Ssssss…… here, there, everywhere

Sssss……

Close your eyes….

What do they mean?

Louder, louder……

Echoing…….

Falling deeper and deeper

Ssssss……

The sound of chaos

Vibrating throughout your soul

Throughout your mind

Filling your soul, your inner being

Sssssss……..

Ssss………….

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Darkness…..

Listen….

Close your eyes and listen….

The sounds of the night… Pure, pure darkness….

The chirping cricket, so close but yet so far. Calling its mate, calling patiently…

The loud frogs in the water singing their songs together, what a symphony …

Dogs barking in the distance, a warning bark, an excited bark…..

The darkness fills every cell every molecule around you. The peace, the calm that washes over you.

High up the infinite stars, galaxies far far away. The moon shining, promising no matter what there is hope. There is hope in the darkest of dark days and nights- there is always hope.

The darkness….. so comforting, so consoling…….

No-one to see…. No-one to judge…..No-one to destroy the quiet, the peace, the calm…

Darkness my old friend. You envelope me, my world, you cacoon around me. Protecting me from all that is out there.

How I need you darkness my friend…..

Story of a girl….

She was born beautiful and innocent

She was broken and destroyed into tiny, tiny pieces – her heart, body, mind and soul….

She was left alone to sweep the tiny, tiny pieces of her heart, body, mind & soul slowly, timeously back together.

To bring her soul back, to heal her heart, to cleanse her mind and renew her body….

She stood alone in the beginning, stands alone in her turmoil & fights. She stands alone to fight against all that was done to her…..

She is a warrior, her own warrior. She will prevail. She stands in her own power.

She is Unique. She is Powerful. She is Glorious and Wonderous!!!

She is all that and more!!

Letting go

A year of fear, tears, anxiety, laughter and surprises. A year of questions and decisions made. The end of so many things but yet the beginning of so many aswell.

I have been through immense heartache. Learning to let go of things that hurt me extremely deeply, letting go of huge betrayal. This year has taught me so many lessons. How to forgive and forget one of the big things to learn. I can forgive but, forget and to ignore the hurt is the biggest thing I struggle with.

Letting go of memories and emotions that don’t help me at all is very difficult, especially with me being an over thinker. The thoughts and emotions still affect me as if it just happened.

The biggest and most difficult thing to learn is forgive and forget.

Tell me how you do that? How do you truly let go and not build those walls again? How do you move forward and let go, fully trust again?

2023 will hopefully be a year of renewal.

Commitment….

It’s been ages since I’ve blogged. So so much has been happening.

On the 25th December, the love of my life asked me to “marry him”. He has now committed himself and his life to me forever. We are doing a handfasting on the 23rd July – our second year anniversary.

I love him more than words could ever explain, but I do wonder if he realizes what he has asked and decided. It seems he still keeps our relationship quiet to people, like his family, his mom, and dad – the two most important people who should know, he hasn’t told. I know there are other women he hasn’t told yet either that I know are still in his life, and he still talks /chats too. He is still determined to keep me separate from his family and friends, I won’t lie, that hurts like hell.

How could you ask for a commitment and say you are committing yourself to someone yet still do that?

He has changed a hell of a lot, and I don’t doubt his love for me. I just worry if he is really ready for one woman and only one woman for the rest of his life. Is he truly ready to openly, honestly, without a doubt, commit to one woman? To admit to everyone that he is engaged and committed?

He calls himself my fiance, and I’m his. He’s always letting me know how much he loves me and is so affectionate towards me. He takes care of me so well. Am I maybe just overthinking everything? Is this wrong of me thinking all this?

He is the love of my life!! All I want until my dying day! Question is am I truly his, is he truly ready for one person by his side until the end??

Immense hurt, streaming tears….

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts and feelings down. This time of year is so extremely busy but, also such an emotional time for me for so so many reasons.

So this year I’m trying to let go of incredible hurt from betrayal from so many people. Heart broken from loosing my mom and it being my second Christmas without her. My boyfriend doing the biggest betrayal of all last year this time – having an affair that was going on for months. The one person I thought I could trust with my heart, my life. For the last few weeks I have been in tears more than not. I feel hurt and empty.

I feel like I’m going to explode!! How do you let go of these awful, awful memories and feelings? How do you enjoy this time of year again? I so badly want to get the joy and excitement of this time of year back, but I don’t know how. It feels like I’m still going through everything, not that it happened a year ago.

My emotions, the Incredible pain in my heart, the thoughts – all feel so raw and it’s slowly killing me inside. Will I ever be able to move forward from this immense pain? Will I ever beable to move forward from the disrespect, dishonesty and betrayal???

Help!!! I need to move forward!!!

Forgive and forget is easier said than done. Forgive yes,forget no, especially when you still feel the emotions so deeply whether you want to or not.

When is enough enough????

I have this friend who has had abuse her whole life. She wollows in self pity and gets drunk everyday. She has two girls – one 14 the other 8. They see this everyday.

I understand and have been there for her no matter what, any time day or night. I have held her while she cried many many times. I have given her advice and picked her up.

I get her emotions and state of mind, I also come from a history of abuse. However I believe your past does not define you. You need to move forward no matter what, especially when you have children.

Today however I had enough, we had the biggest fight. She was so drunk she couldn’t stand. So I asked her to eat a little so she can get sober before driving home because she has her two precious girls in the car. She refused and said stupid things like who cares she leaves the girls to me and she is done. She carried on and on about how useless she is and how she gives up and the girls are better off without her. I got so so angry, the girls hear and see this. I get she is an emotional and mental mess but, seriously… So I totally lost my temper.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH…..

Those girls have been through enough!! Putting their lives at risk because she wants to wallow in self pity is not on!! I have had enough of her doing that!!! I am fuming!!

Almost that because I asked her to eat something to sober up so her amd her girls would get home safely.

I honestly don’t know what to do fornher anymore. My heart totally breaks for her and especially the girls this is not right!!!

If anyone has some advice I’d appreciate it. I’m broken and lost as to what to do for them.

Tired…. No more…

My soul exhausted, empty no longer able to shine.

My tears streaming down my cheeks, an ever flowing well of tears no longer able to hide.

My mind in a fog no longer wanting to think, wanting to forget everything.

My heart broken, no longer able to handle all the hurt, betrayal and anxiety too much heartache.

So so tired…. No more….

Heart body mind and soul giving up

No more fight, no more strength, no will to go on. Everything has become too much.

Closing off from the world, building those high strong walls around me

Safer with the protection of the walls Safer keeping everyone at bay.

Tired…. needing to crawl into a ball in a quiet dark place letting my life slowly go out of me….

No more pain, no more anxiety, no more tears….

No more….

No more….

Double life.

Please tell me why you need to live a double life?

Either you are single and have fun with as many women/men as you like, and do as you please or you are in an exclusive, commited relationship with one person.

Why the deceit? Why the betrayal and lies? You have a choice, you are not forced to be in a relationship. So why choose a relationship but still in private and behind your partner’s back you are carrying on as if you are single? How do you think that is right? You wouldn’t want that done to you but, you continously do it to your partner. The continous disrespect for your partner and devaluing your relationship, never giving your relationship or your partner a real chance.

If you want so much of the opposite sex and the porn and sexting then rather leave the person you are with and give them a chance to be with someone who is trully commited, loyal and devoted to them. Give them the chance to experience true love and commitment. I can guarantee you that there are people out there who would gladly do anything for your partner. There are people out there begging to be with your partner and love them and give them everything they deserve.

Why be so selfish? Either you are 100% commited to your partner or you need to leave so you can do as you please with as many women/men as you like when and where you like. Your devoted, loyal partner deserves to be with someone who will return the loyalty and commitment, respect and love.

Think about it. You definitely don’t want your partner doing it to you so why are you doing it??? Its Wrong in so many levels!! Thinking of excuses you think is good enough actually isn’t and doesn’t work like you think they do. There are absolutely,absolutely No excuses for carrying on in any way with the opposite sex. There are Absolutely,Absolutely no excuse to be sexting, exchanging numbers, pics, calling, etc with others besides your partner. There is Absolutely,Absolutely no excuse to have naked pics of anyone but your partner!!!

You need to realise everytime your partner finds out about it and everytime you give ridiculous excuses you think are good enough you kill them inside emotionally, you continously disrespect them and hurt them. Slowly, slowly you are hurting them, Slowly, slowly they are pulling away. Eventually your relationship will end and you’ll have no-one to blame but yourself.

Think about that. You are hurting your partner!! You are killing the dreams they have for the two of you. You are killing her/him inside. The day will come when they can’t take it anymore and leave. Even though they still love you they will leave because they deserve so so so much better!!! They deserve a partner that is fully,100% there for them and only them.

At this point in my life…

People are so fake. So sneaky,so unreal!! What happened to all the genuine people?

At my age I’ve seen and endured more than enough heartache and emotional games. People are just out there for themselves and don’t care who they hurt and disrespect. Then you try do what they do to show them what their actions cause and you are the disrespectful one. Never mind what they do.

The people I have in my life are people I want in my life. Life is fleeting and I’ve decided that either they are with me 100% and give me the same loyalty and respect I give them or I don’t want them in my life.

I don’t know how long I still have in this lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to share my life with halfassed people who are not genuine. Half-assed people who are different in front of me than when I’m not around.

People are cruel to each other and play games in all aspects. Not caring who they are hurting and disrespecting, not caring that the hurt they cause destroys the person they are hurting and disrespecting.

Well, life is there to enjoy and be happy. I’ve fought enough, since I was very young I have fought for myself. Fought to try keep safe, fought to be a survivor and not a victim, fought not to give in to the darkness. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with that one genuine person who will love me as I deserve. Will see me and only me. Will need me and only me sexually, emotionally and mentally. Will only want me.

Sadly I know how I am feeling others feel as well. Thx to social media ppl play more games emotionally, sexually and mentally than ever before!! Ppl can lie so so much and so easily about themselves and live double lives.

If people can’t be real and genuine then they can move on. Every single person in my life is someone I hold dear and want in my life but, I’m not tolerating the double standards, double life, lies, deceit and games anymore – I deserve better!! I deserve ppl in my life who treat me like I treat them – with respect, loyalty and truth.

Respect, loyalty, truth are things I hold very highly and deserve.