A lover’s heartache

You say you are committed to me and have always been.

Sadly your actions then was not of a committed man. So no you haven’t always been! How do I know that this is for real? That you truly are committed to me now?

I gave you my heart, my soul, my life from the first time I said I love you! You gave me false promises, lies, betrayal and manipulation.

How do I know that you are truly not involved in any way with other women like you used to be? You led a double life for so long, how do I know you aren’t still doing that? You do it so well. You are a master manipulator.

Tell me….. how do I know this time is different? How do I know you will never betray my trust again, cheat on me again? How do I know you trully are finished with other women? How do I know I really am your only one?

The promises you made then when cheating and living the double life are the same promises you make now. The things you said then are the same now.

There was always the secret messages, sexting,secret meetings, etc while telling me I’m the only one. Making pinky promises of forever love and only me.

Have you changed as it seems, or is it more of your manipulation? More of your lies and false promises???



Thoughts pounding in my mind


Imagery clear as a summer’s day!

Betrayal….. BOOM…..

Lies…… BANG….

Flirting….. CLANG…..

Secrets, hidden messages……. CLASH….. BOOM ….. BANG…. CLANG……

Promises broken, shattered, shimmering in a pool of tears.

Heart crushed, barely pounding….. bleeding, bleeding eternally

Soul destroying, never to rise, never to heal…..

Why…… why….. why…….

No more trust, no more laughter, no more love…….

Cruel, cruel cruel……

Story of a girl….

She was born beautiful and innocent

She was broken and destroyed into tiny, tiny pieces – her heart, body, mind and soul….

She was left alone to sweep the tiny, tiny pieces of her heart, body, mind & soul slowly, timeously back together.

To bring her soul back, to heal her heart, to cleanse her mind and renew her body….

She stood alone in the beginning, stands alone in her turmoil & fights. She stands alone to fight against all that was done to her…..

She is a warrior, her own warrior. She will prevail. She stands in her own power.

She is Unique. She is Powerful. She is Glorious and Wonderous!!!

She is all that and more!!

Immense hurt, streaming tears….

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts and feelings down. This time of year is so extremely busy but, also such an emotional time for me for so so many reasons.

So this year I’m trying to let go of incredible hurt from betrayal from so many people. Heart broken from loosing my mom and it being my second Christmas without her. My boyfriend doing the biggest betrayal of all last year this time – having an affair that was going on for months. The one person I thought I could trust with my heart, my life. For the last few weeks I have been in tears more than not. I feel hurt and empty.

I feel like I’m going to explode!! How do you let go of these awful, awful memories and feelings? How do you enjoy this time of year again? I so badly want to get the joy and excitement of this time of year back, but I don’t know how. It feels like I’m still going through everything, not that it happened a year ago.

My emotions, the Incredible pain in my heart, the thoughts – all feel so raw and it’s slowly killing me inside. Will I ever be able to move forward from this immense pain? Will I ever beable to move forward from the disrespect, dishonesty and betrayal???

Help!!! I need to move forward!!!

Forgive and forget is easier said than done. Forgive yes,forget no, especially when you still feel the emotions so deeply whether you want to or not.

Double life.

Please tell me why you need to live a double life?

Either you are single and have fun with as many women/men as you like, and do as you please or you are in an exclusive, commited relationship with one person.

Why the deceit? Why the betrayal and lies? You have a choice, you are not forced to be in a relationship. So why choose a relationship but still in private and behind your partner’s back you are carrying on as if you are single? How do you think that is right? You wouldn’t want that done to you but, you continously do it to your partner. The continous disrespect for your partner and devaluing your relationship, never giving your relationship or your partner a real chance.

If you want so much of the opposite sex and the porn and sexting then rather leave the person you are with and give them a chance to be with someone who is trully commited, loyal and devoted to them. Give them the chance to experience true love and commitment. I can guarantee you that there are people out there who would gladly do anything for your partner. There are people out there begging to be with your partner and love them and give them everything they deserve.

Why be so selfish? Either you are 100% commited to your partner or you need to leave so you can do as you please with as many women/men as you like when and where you like. Your devoted, loyal partner deserves to be with someone who will return the loyalty and commitment, respect and love.

Think about it. You definitely don’t want your partner doing it to you so why are you doing it??? Its Wrong in so many levels!! Thinking of excuses you think is good enough actually isn’t and doesn’t work like you think they do. There are absolutely,absolutely No excuses for carrying on in any way with the opposite sex. There are Absolutely,Absolutely no excuse to be sexting, exchanging numbers, pics, calling, etc with others besides your partner. There is Absolutely,Absolutely no excuse to have naked pics of anyone but your partner!!!

You need to realise everytime your partner finds out about it and everytime you give ridiculous excuses you think are good enough you kill them inside emotionally, you continously disrespect them and hurt them. Slowly, slowly you are hurting them, Slowly, slowly they are pulling away. Eventually your relationship will end and you’ll have no-one to blame but yourself.

Think about that. You are hurting your partner!! You are killing the dreams they have for the two of you. You are killing her/him inside. The day will come when they can’t take it anymore and leave. Even though they still love you they will leave because they deserve so so so much better!!! They deserve a partner that is fully,100% there for them and only them.


Please excuse me – I really need to vent!!

Why the hell do people continously play games? Why are people disloyal?

I’m so so tired of the lies, the deceit the betrayal!!

I seriously wish I could disappear and go where no-one knows me. Go far, far away.

So tired of all the krap!!! So tired of everything. So tired of people!!! Why do people play stupid fucking games with others emotions, others minds and others lives?

What is the fucking point of always being the person who worries about others. Will rather hurt themself than have others hurt? Why be a good, caring, loving and soft hearted person when all that gets you is being taken advantage of, being lied to and made a fool of???

WHAT THE FUCK!!!! This is not the way to live!!!!!!

People are fucked up!!!!


Sad so so sad…

Her heart breaking a little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like rain drops on a stormy day. Her stomach feeling like a deep deep pit.

Sad So so sad…

She tries to move forward, tries to carry on as if everything is bright and beautiful. Tries to ignore it because after all he is with her. He loves her.

Sad so so sad….

She knows he isn’t just hers. She knows he still needs the opposite sex. She knows he still exchanges numbers and messages, does sexting and all sorts with them. All done in private. He tells her everyday that she is the only one for him that he is hers and only her but, Sadly she knows that’s not the case.

Yes he loves her, yes he is with her but sadly she is not the only one. She loves him and tries to live with that knowledge knowing he will never stop.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

She knows that one day her heart will break completely and she will need to leave even though she knows he’s the love of her life and to leave him would be to kill herself emotionally. To destroy her world. Knowing she doesn’t want to live without him but, for her own sanity and self-respect she will need to leave no matter how much she loves him.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Wishing with all her heart and soul that he trully meant the words he says. Wishing that he would realise the heartache he is causing. Wishing he would realise that what he’s doing is so so wrong. Wishing he would stop and trully only have eyes for her and only have the need for her attention and affection.

Never saying no to him sexually, giving him free reign to her body and soul. Never denying him anything. So why does he still do all that in private? Why still need others when he has everything he could ever need with her. She tries to make love to him he stops her – causing a little more heartache, why stop her? Making her want to make herself small, curl into a small ball.

He acts like he’s single on social media, has pages that look like a single man’s pages. All the single women. All the likes, hearts, etc on their photos. Photos that he shouldn’t even be taking note of, messaging these women, exchanging numbers, photos, calls, etc. Causing such disrespect to her, such disrespect to their relationship. Devalueing their relationship, their love, their life together.

Sad so so sad… Her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops….

She knows things without having to be told. She feels it though energy, her intuition and her dreams. She always knows. She just always wants proof, wants confirmation and sadly everytime she has looked for proof it has broken her heart. Everything she knows without being told has always always proven to be right. Her intuition is Always, Always right.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Will he ever see…… Will he ever stop. The hurt, the harm he is doing?

Sad so so sad…… her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears steaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Slowly killing her emotionally, slowly killing the relationship…

He’s in a committed relationship, he loves her dearly. Tells her she is his everything, his life.

Even though he loves her and is happy with her he still does sexting with other women. Causing her to feel disrespected, questioning her worth.

Surely if she is good enough for him like he says, surely if he loves her and is happy with her he would not need to even chat to other women never mind the sexting.

Why be in a commited relationship when he still needs to do that? Be single then he can have as many women as he’d like, do whatever he wants with them. It kills her knowing he does that, realizing with a very sore heart that he will never stop. Making her feel very betrayed and very disrespected. She loves him more than she thought possible, can’t leave him but is sad and hurts everyday knowing he will never stop doing it, knowing he does it everyday when he’s alone.

Why does he need other women when he has her? When he says she is everything he could ever want. When he says she is beautiful and sexy and loves her and her body? If that is the truth then Why??? It makes absolutely no sense!!! She does anything he wants sexually, never denies him. So why????

What makes a man or women do that when they are in a loving, commited relationship??? Why??

Do they not see how disrespectful and deceitful it is? How do they not see that that is being unfaithful?? How much it hurts!! There should be absolutely no chatting, no exchange of numbers, most definitely no sexting whatsoever with the oposite sex – no matter what the reason!! No reason at all is good enough to do that – NOTHING!!!

Slowly slowly her heart breaks everyday. She cries everyday when no-one can see. Her heart aching, questioning her worth, questioning everything. Even with all that she can’t stop loving him., he is her world, her everything, her life……

A love like that he will NEVER find! A more committed, devoted person he will never meet. So why????

He says he always comes home to her, he is with her, she is the only one he wants, he chooses her and will always choose her – not seeming to understand that him doing that breaks her heart, makes her feel disrespected, cheated on, makes her question her worth. Hurting everyday. Not realizing that what he does is extremely disrespectful, extremely deceiving and actually cheating. Such betrayal!!! It makes her so sad.

Sadly this is happening in so many relationships. Either partner cheating and being deceitful and disrespectful like that, not thinking there is anything wrong with it because after all they love their partner and are with their partners – thinking that makes it better. No! It doesn’t! Deceit is deceit, disrespecting your partner, being unfaithful – no matter how it is done is so so wrong! Sadly in the end that is what kills the relationship not falling out of love, no – feeling disrespected, feeling hurt, being betrayed over and over again – that is what kills that relationship.

If only..

If only people realised the effect they have on others. How they could destroy someone so easily but, could also make them the happiest person in the world just as easily.

If only people thought before doing and realized that their actions whether done in secret or not does damage in so so many ways.

If only people treated others with the loyalty,trustworthiness and respect that they expect for themselves.

If only…..

Not easy reading…

I want to speak about things that I have endured in my life. Things that not many people know about, not even my folks.

From a very young age I’ve had to deal with sexual, mental and emotional and physical abuse. Sexual, emotional and mental abuse from various people my folks and I trusted – A friend of my folks, my uncle(Mom’s youngest brother), my best friend’s father, another one of my Dad’s friends, a step family member – all from the age of 4. Once I left school I went into one abusive relationship to the next, even getting raped by one of them. Carrying o. With the horrific cycle.

After school carrying on with the abusive cycle with the men I sadly chose to be with. Going to hospital because of injuries from the beatings, feeling powerless and scared all the time. The sexual, mental and emotional abuse I have had to endure from about the age of 4 is beyond comprehension.  I have had to fight for my sanity and my life.

How do you start explaining your experiences when it’s been a looooong, difficult road. A life of manipulation, deceit, lies and fear. Sadly as much as you say you have worked through it, there are triggers in your everyday life, no matter how long ago it happened.

I’ve been beaten, chocked, pulled by my hair while being dragged, been held up against the wall by my throat, been raped and torn as he raped me, been instructed what to wear and how to behave, been cheated on so many times its ridiculous.  I lost myself trying to keep them happy in hopes that the fighting, the screaming, them breaking me down every second they got, would stop but, it never did.

At the age of 47 I still have nightmares and still have triggers that put me in a state of being that scared little girl or that person who would do anything so she doesn’t get beaten or screamed at. The person who was the trophy to show off but not to be loyal to and treat properly with the care, love and loyalty she deserves.

The night of the rape killed me inside, The more I screamed for him to stop the more he carried on, the rougher he got, the more he tore me. When he was finished he went out again leaving me lying on the floor crying, scared and in a lot of pain. 

The words that have been said to me since a little girl still goes through my mind every now and then – “Don’t tell anyone”, “don’t tell your parents I will kill them” and “who would they believe? No-one will believe a little girl.” “You are worthless”, “Not worthy of anything”, “You are only here for men to enjoy, nothing else “”Your body and beauty is for us to do with what we want”, “You are not worth only being with you when there are so many others to enjoy as well, I will be with as many women as and how I want, you will never change that, it will Never just be you”, “You are my teophy woman so behave when we go out, stay by me and dont move” and on and on it went. Little by little my soul got destroyed, I got destroyed.

Wearing pants in hopes that when he takes me for the dreaded drives he can’t molest me again but, be still gets it right everytime. His hands in my pants playing while he pleases himself until he’s done. At home – Him pleasing himself and making me stand there naked in front of him until he was finished then wiping himself clean with my underwear. When I would bath he would stand outside and watch through the window while pleasing himself. I was not aloud to put clothes on until he was done. All this when I was very young, not even developed properly, it got worse as I grew and my body developed.

Sleeping over at my friend’s house, sleeping next to her and putting teddies all around us, which in my young mind made sense that it would make it difficult for him to do anything to me but,sadly when we both slept he always came in and had his way. In the day while all the children were there he would make me sit on his lap and put his fingers in my panties and enjoy himself – always sitting at a table with a table cloth so no-one could see. He would always find games that looked innocent to everyone but, wasn’t.  Games where it made it possible for him to touch me inappropriately but, no-one realized what he was doing.

My saving grace was going to boarding school. Little do my parents know that me going to boarding school helped me stay sane and alive.

Having boyfriends lie, manipulate, abuse and cheat on me was so soul destroying, everything carried on most of my life. The emotional and mental abuse carried on with them. I still don’t understand why. I have always been the loyal, honest one, the one that does anything for others. 

A lot of times I wish I was cold hearted and uncaring. I wish I wasn’t the girl everyone seemed to want, even making bets on who would be with me. I even picked up weight, stopped dressing up, stopped wearing makeup, made myself as ugly, as undesirable as possible so that men would just leave me alone. Thinking that if I did that and wasn’t someone that drew their attention then I’d be safe – no more fear, no more anxiety, no more manipulation, no more deceit, no more cheating!!!! Being alone seemed safer.

All I’ve ever wanted is someone to be 100% loyal to me, someone who treats me with love and kindness, who is totally devoted to me, who is understanding. Someone who is only interested in me and not needing other women. Is that so much to ask for??? Is it so much to ask to have my person and not have to always to worry????

Life has taught me that you can never let your guard down. You need to be careful who you let in your life and heart. I was single for 17 years to keep myself and my son safe. 17 years of trying to make myself as undesirable as possible so that I don’t get lied to, manipulated, abused or cheated on.

The only good thing out of my life experiences is that I have helped many others who have been through similar situations and I will continue to do that. They need to know they aren’t alone.

No matter what anyone says – You are You! One in a million! You are special and have been created with a purpose! Never let anyone take your power away from you. Don’t let what they say become who you are. Keep your power and fight. You are stronger than you think and more powerful and special than you could imagine!!!