Story of a girl….

She was born beautiful and innocent

She was broken and destroyed into tiny, tiny pieces – her heart, body, mind and soul….

She was left alone to sweep the tiny, tiny pieces of her heart, body, mind & soul slowly, timeously back together.

To bring her soul back, to heal her heart, to cleanse her mind and renew her body….

She stood alone in the beginning, stands alone in her turmoil & fights. She stands alone to fight against all that was done to her…..

She is a warrior, her own warrior. She will prevail. She stands in her own power.

She is Unique. She is Powerful. She is Glorious and Wonderous!!!

She is all that and more!!

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Immense hurt, streaming tears….

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts and feelings down. This time of year is so extremely busy but, also such an emotional time for me for so so many reasons.

So this year I’m trying to let go of incredible hurt from betrayal from so many people. Heart broken from loosing my mom and it being my second Christmas without her. My boyfriend doing the biggest betrayal of all last year this time – having an affair that was going on for months. The one person I thought I could trust with my heart, my life. For the last few weeks I have been in tears more than not. I feel hurt and empty.

I feel like I’m going to explode!! How do you let go of these awful, awful memories and feelings? How do you enjoy this time of year again? I so badly want to get the joy and excitement of this time of year back, but I don’t know how. It feels like I’m still going through everything, not that it happened a year ago.

My emotions, the Incredible pain in my heart, the thoughts – all feel so raw and it’s slowly killing me inside. Will I ever be able to move forward from this immense pain? Will I ever beable to move forward from the disrespect, dishonesty and betrayal???

Help!!! I need to move forward!!!

Forgive and forget is easier said than done. Forgive yes,forget no, especially when you still feel the emotions so deeply whether you want to or not.

Double life.

Please tell me why you need to live a double life?

Either you are single and have fun with as many women/men as you like, and do as you please or you are in an exclusive, commited relationship with one person.

Why the deceit? Why the betrayal and lies? You have a choice, you are not forced to be in a relationship. So why choose a relationship but still in private and behind your partner’s back you are carrying on as if you are single? How do you think that is right? You wouldn’t want that done to you but, you continously do it to your partner. The continous disrespect for your partner and devaluing your relationship, never giving your relationship or your partner a real chance.

If you want so much of the opposite sex and the porn and sexting then rather leave the person you are with and give them a chance to be with someone who is trully commited, loyal and devoted to them. Give them the chance to experience true love and commitment. I can guarantee you that there are people out there who would gladly do anything for your partner. There are people out there begging to be with your partner and love them and give them everything they deserve.

Why be so selfish? Either you are 100% commited to your partner or you need to leave so you can do as you please with as many women/men as you like when and where you like. Your devoted, loyal partner deserves to be with someone who will return the loyalty and commitment, respect and love.

Think about it. You definitely don’t want your partner doing it to you so why are you doing it??? Its Wrong in so many levels!! Thinking of excuses you think is good enough actually isn’t and doesn’t work like you think they do. There are absolutely,absolutely No excuses for carrying on in any way with the opposite sex. There are Absolutely,Absolutely no excuse to be sexting, exchanging numbers, pics, calling, etc with others besides your partner. There is Absolutely,Absolutely no excuse to have naked pics of anyone but your partner!!!

You need to realise everytime your partner finds out about it and everytime you give ridiculous excuses you think are good enough you kill them inside emotionally, you continously disrespect them and hurt them. Slowly, slowly you are hurting them, Slowly, slowly they are pulling away. Eventually your relationship will end and you’ll have no-one to blame but yourself.

Think about that. You are hurting your partner!! You are killing the dreams they have for the two of you. You are killing her/him inside. The day will come when they can’t take it anymore and leave. Even though they still love you they will leave because they deserve so so so much better!!! They deserve a partner that is fully,100% there for them and only them.

At this point in my life…

People are so fake. So sneaky,so unreal!! What happened to all the genuine people?

At my age I’ve seen and endured more than enough heartache and emotional games. People are just out there for themselves and don’t care who they hurt and disrespect. Then you try do what they do to show them what their actions cause and you are the disrespectful one. Never mind what they do.

The people I have in my life are people I want in my life. Life is fleeting and I’ve decided that either they are with me 100% and give me the same loyalty and respect I give them or I don’t want them in my life.

I don’t know how long I still have in this lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to share my life with halfassed people who are not genuine. Half-assed people who are different in front of me than when I’m not around.

People are cruel to each other and play games in all aspects. Not caring who they are hurting and disrespecting, not caring that the hurt they cause destroys the person they are hurting and disrespecting.

Well, life is there to enjoy and be happy. I’ve fought enough, since I was very young I have fought for myself. Fought to try keep safe, fought to be a survivor and not a victim, fought not to give in to the darkness. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with that one genuine person who will love me as I deserve. Will see me and only me. Will need me and only me sexually, emotionally and mentally. Will only want me.

Sadly I know how I am feeling others feel as well. Thx to social media ppl play more games emotionally, sexually and mentally than ever before!! Ppl can lie so so much and so easily about themselves and live double lives.

If people can’t be real and genuine then they can move on. Every single person in my life is someone I hold dear and want in my life but, I’m not tolerating the double standards, double life, lies, deceit and games anymore – I deserve better!! I deserve ppl in my life who treat me like I treat them – with respect, loyalty and truth.

Respect, loyalty, truth are things I hold very highly and deserve.

Young life

So incredible to be a child. Seeing the world through pure, innocent eyes. Loving, enjoying and learning all the time

All the fairytales keeping your imagination alive, causing you to live a life full of imagery and surprises. So exciting!! Everything possible! A world of wonder and fantasy.

Happiness a continous emotion. Not knowing heartbreak, hatred and fear. Full of pure love and truth.

If only we could all keep that as we grow up. Sadly loosing all of life’s wonders and innocent joy and love. Sadly knowing fairytales are just that – tales.

The sadness, deceit, betrayal, lies and immense heartache that replaces the wonder and innocence. So so sad!!

Sadly realizing that people are deceitful, disloyal, disrespectful. Only living for themselves and not caring if their actions hurt and do harm to others.

If only we could be like Peter Pan and the lost boys- young and adventurous forever. Full of love and care for each other. Standing by each other no matter what. Loyalty, love and honesty the way.

Fuuuuuck…..

Please excuse me – I really need to vent!!

Why the hell do people continously play games? Why are people disloyal?

I’m so so tired of the lies, the deceit the betrayal!!

I seriously wish I could disappear and go where no-one knows me. Go far, far away.

So tired of all the krap!!! So tired of everything. So tired of people!!! Why do people play stupid fucking games with others emotions, others minds and others lives?

What is the fucking point of always being the person who worries about others. Will rather hurt themself than have others hurt? Why be a good, caring, loving and soft hearted person when all that gets you is being taken advantage of, being lied to and made a fool of???

WHAT THE FUCK!!!! This is not the way to live!!!!!!

People are fucked up!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK……

Sad so so sad…

Her heart breaking a little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like rain drops on a stormy day. Her stomach feeling like a deep deep pit.

Sad So so sad…

She tries to move forward, tries to carry on as if everything is bright and beautiful. Tries to ignore it because after all he is with her. He loves her.

Sad so so sad….

She knows he isn’t just hers. She knows he still needs the opposite sex. She knows he still exchanges numbers and messages, does sexting and all sorts with them. All done in private. He tells her everyday that she is the only one for him that he is hers and only her but, Sadly she knows that’s not the case.

Yes he loves her, yes he is with her but sadly she is not the only one. She loves him and tries to live with that knowledge knowing he will never stop.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

She knows that one day her heart will break completely and she will need to leave even though she knows he’s the love of her life and to leave him would be to kill herself emotionally. To destroy her world. Knowing she doesn’t want to live without him but, for her own sanity and self-respect she will need to leave no matter how much she loves him.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Wishing with all her heart and soul that he trully meant the words he says. Wishing that he would realise the heartache he is causing. Wishing he would realise that what he’s doing is so so wrong. Wishing he would stop and trully only have eyes for her and only have the need for her attention and affection.

Never saying no to him sexually, giving him free reign to her body and soul. Never denying him anything. So why does he still do all that in private? Why still need others when he has everything he could ever need with her. She tries to make love to him he stops her – causing a little more heartache, why stop her? Making her want to make herself small, curl into a small ball.

He acts like he’s single on social media, has pages that look like a single man’s pages. All the single women. All the likes, hearts, etc on their photos. Photos that he shouldn’t even be taking note of, messaging these women, exchanging numbers, photos, calls, etc. Causing such disrespect to her, such disrespect to their relationship. Devalueing their relationship, their love, their life together.

Sad so so sad… Her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops….

She knows things without having to be told. She feels it though energy, her intuition and her dreams. She always knows. She just always wants proof, wants confirmation and sadly everytime she has looked for proof it has broken her heart. Everything she knows without being told has always always proven to be right. Her intuition is Always, Always right.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Will he ever see…… Will he ever stop. The hurt, the harm he is doing?

Sad so so sad…… her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears steaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Slowly killing her emotionally, slowly killing the relationship…

He’s in a committed relationship, he loves her dearly. Tells her she is his everything, his life.

Even though he loves her and is happy with her he still does sexting with other women. Causing her to feel disrespected, questioning her worth.

Surely if she is good enough for him like he says, surely if he loves her and is happy with her he would not need to even chat to other women never mind the sexting.

Why be in a commited relationship when he still needs to do that? Be single then he can have as many women as he’d like, do whatever he wants with them. It kills her knowing he does that, realizing with a very sore heart that he will never stop. Making her feel very betrayed and very disrespected. She loves him more than she thought possible, can’t leave him but is sad and hurts everyday knowing he will never stop doing it, knowing he does it everyday when he’s alone.

Why does he need other women when he has her? When he says she is everything he could ever want. When he says she is beautiful and sexy and loves her and her body? If that is the truth then Why??? It makes absolutely no sense!!! She does anything he wants sexually, never denies him. So why????

What makes a man or women do that when they are in a loving, commited relationship??? Why??

Do they not see how disrespectful and deceitful it is? How do they not see that that is being unfaithful?? How much it hurts!! There should be absolutely no chatting, no exchange of numbers, most definitely no sexting whatsoever with the oposite sex – no matter what the reason!! No reason at all is good enough to do that – NOTHING!!!

Slowly slowly her heart breaks everyday. She cries everyday when no-one can see. Her heart aching, questioning her worth, questioning everything. Even with all that she can’t stop loving him., he is her world, her everything, her life……

A love like that he will NEVER find! A more committed, devoted person he will never meet. So why????

He says he always comes home to her, he is with her, she is the only one he wants, he chooses her and will always choose her – not seeming to understand that him doing that breaks her heart, makes her feel disrespected, cheated on, makes her question her worth. Hurting everyday. Not realizing that what he does is extremely disrespectful, extremely deceiving and actually cheating. Such betrayal!!! It makes her so sad.

Sadly this is happening in so many relationships. Either partner cheating and being deceitful and disrespectful like that, not thinking there is anything wrong with it because after all they love their partner and are with their partners – thinking that makes it better. No! It doesn’t! Deceit is deceit, disrespecting your partner, being unfaithful – no matter how it is done is so so wrong! Sadly in the end that is what kills the relationship not falling out of love, no – feeling disrespected, feeling hurt, being betrayed over and over again – that is what kills that relationship.

If only..

If only people realised the effect they have on others. How they could destroy someone so easily but, could also make them the happiest person in the world just as easily.

If only people thought before doing and realized that their actions whether done in secret or not does damage in so so many ways.

If only people treated others with the loyalty,trustworthiness and respect that they expect for themselves.

If only…..