In her deep dark pit
Peace evading her
Waterfall of tears
Achig heart
Shattered dreams
Racing mind
Snakes in her stomach
How
Where
Why
Soul crushing
Perfecting her masqurade
Masks fooling everyone
In her deep dark pit
Silence
Smothering darkness
Tag: Destroy
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Stop!!! Think!!!! Speak!!! Trust!!!
Her being her own worst enemy, the one who destroys the good in her life.
The overthinker who reacts and expects the worst because well…. that’s what she has been shown all her life!!
Whenever she has had good in her life where she has broken down her walls, felt she can trust and felt happy and at peace, there has always been something to destroy it.
She has grown up to DEFEND, DEFEND,DEFEND, has had to do that since a very young age!!!! Now she defends when she doesn’t need to. When she needs to talk before defending, – she fears, when her thoughts go crazy – she fears. She hurts daily, wants to break down, to scream, to give up!!!
That is all she knows! How does she stop that? How does she learn to talk without fear when all her life she has been knocked down, shouted at, been made to feel small and unimportant when she has tried to talk.
She looses the words she has in her mind – if only she could say everything that runs through her mind, her emotions – they don’t want to get to her mouth so she can speak. All locked up inside driving her crazy, making her over think again and again and again. So much fear of fighting, of things going out of control when she talks, so she keeps quiet and lets it eat her up inside – she says nothing so then there will be peace – atleast peace in the outside world. As long as there is no fighting, as long as no-one is upset or unhappy she will keep quiet. After all, all she wants is for everyone to be happy and not feel the pain she feels, not letting others feel worthless like she does, not letting others question themselves like she does everyday.
All her life made to feel like either a show piece for all the men to use and abuse, or made to feel like nothing, like she doesn’t matter. Her feelings, her thoughts – nothing matters.
Grown up but, yet still caught up in that fear, that hurt, the memories that just wont go away, the words that cut like a knife – repeating over and over in her mind, the sad, terrifying events that she had to endure since she was a little girl playing over and over ,even though she is now all grown up but, still that little girl who had to DEFEND,DEFEND,DEFEND.
She has been broken so so many times that she doesn’t know how to trust that she can talk freely, that there is someone who will patiently wait for her to find her words, will let her say how she feels and know that she will be heard and understood without judgement, without assumptions, without fights, without her feeling like less of a person. Every time she has found the words and courage it has been destroyed making it feel like her feelings aren’t valid, making it more and more difficult and scared to open up.
She so so desperately needs to open up and talk but, how? Either the words don’t come at all or they come out wrong. After all the years of people showing her that how she feels is not valid and people treating her as they please, getting to their own egotistical assumptions. breaking her down, telling her she’s lying, imagining things. killing her spirit, hurting her in so many ways it’s indescribable. All the years that she has lost the words, she has lost her voice……
All she needs is that one person to sit patiently waiting for her to find her words, find her voice. That one person who will truly listen to what she is saying or atleast trying to say. That one person who will try understand her even when what she is trying to say doesn’t make sense or even sometimes contradicts, that one person who will put their ego aside and truly listen – her not being able to express herself drives her crazy, makes her want to scream. All she wants to do is open up and talk – a huge cry for help but, how does she do it??? HOW???
Stop!!! Think!!!! Speak!!! Trust!!!
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Always feeling like she is never good enough,alone,hurting all the time, feeling like a total failure.
Always going out of her way to make sure to put a smile on others faces. Letting them know they are special making sure they don’t hurt and feel like she does.
Yet always feeling like she isn’t really really seen. Seen for who she truly is,seen through her eyes to her soul. Always feeling like no-one truly cares about her.
Yet,she makes sure no-one will ever feel like she does. Life is short and everyone is special in their own way,she might not feel like that but atleast she can make sure others feel love,have hope, feel special.
She does her best to make sure no-one hurts,feels lost and alone. Trying to protect them from the darkness that comes so strong,that takes your soul
She knows to well how it feels,wishes she never knew that feeling but knowing if she didn’t she couldn’t truly help others. Sadly feeling like that all her life no matter what she tried or accomplished.
The only way to survive this terrible terrible feeling is by holding on to one more day to give someone else their smile back,to give them hope and show them they have purpose and are special in their own way.
Yes, she hurts deeply everyday,feels like she is alone and doesn’t belong anywhere,feeling like a failure all the time but atleast she can make sure they don’t. If she never did that she would not go on,there would be nothing for her to keep moving forward and carrying on with life.
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SUCH A SAD SAD EXISTENCE WHEN YOU REALISE THAT YOUR FAMILY DOESN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU. BLOOD IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT THICKER THAN WATER!!!
DEEPLY HEART BREAKING WHEN THE ONE PERSON WHO DID IS THE FIRST ONE TO PASS AWAY. THE ONE PERSON WHO YOU COULD TALK TO, WHO YOU KNEW WAS ALWAYS THERE NO MATTER WHAT.
YOU CARRY ON WITH LIFE, FIND LOVE, GET MARRIED BUT, THE LONELINESS AND HEARTBREAK CONTINUES.
IT’S A LONELINESS AND HEART BREAK THAT FILLS YOUR SOUL. THAT TAKES OVER YOUR EVERY THOUGHT, EVERY MOMENT, NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR HOW INCREDIBLE YOUR LIFE IS MOVING FORWARD, THERE IS NEVER TRUE PEACE.
SUCH A SAD SAD EXISTENCE!!
THERE IS FAMILY YET THERE MAY AS WELL NOT BE. YOU DO NOT EXIST TO THEM. YOU ARE NOT EVEN A THOUGHT TO THEM.
ALL THEY CAN DO IS JUDGE, CRITICIZE, IGNORE YOU. THEY CAN’T GRANT YOU HAPPINESS, WHAT THEY THINK AND HOW THEY FEEL IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU AND YOUR HAPPINESS.
YOU TRY TO KEEP IN TOUCH, TRY TO MAKE CONVERSATION, TRY TO KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER BUT, ALL THAT YOU GET IS FEELING LIKE YOU ARE SPEAKING TO YOURSELF, TO YOUR IMAGINATION.
IMPORTANT EVENTS LIKE BIRTHDAYS AND CHRISTMASES SAD, SO SO SAD, JUST MAKES YOU FEEL MORE EXCLUDED MORE ALONE.
SUCH A SAD SAD EXISTENCE!!
ALL YOUR LIFE TRYING TO PLEASE THE FAMILY, NO MATTER WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO YOU DIDN’T, BECAUSE IT WOULD NOT BE ACCEPTABLE TO THE SO CALLED FAMILY. YOU ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS PUT THE FAMILY FIRST!! NOW, AFTER LIVING MOST OF YOUR LIFE TO PLEASE THEM, YOU DECIDE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT, THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND THE WAY YOU NEED BUT, YET YOU ARE NEVER TRULY HAPPY, YOUR HEART BREAKS EVERYDAY, THE TEARS STREAM DOWN YOUR FACE DAILY BECAUSE OF THE SO CALLED FAMILY.
SUCH A SAD SAD EXISTENCE.
THEY DESTROY YOUR HAPPINESS NO MATTER WHAT, IT’S ABOUT THEM AND NEVER YOU. WHY CAN THEY BE HAPPY AND CHOOSE HOW THEY LIVE, WHO THEY WANT IN THEIR LIVES, WHAT THEY DO IN THEIR LIVES BUT, YOU CAN’T? WHY IS THEIR HAPPINESS MORE IMPORTANT??
WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT, WE ALL SEE LIFE AND THINGS DIFFERENTLY WHAT MATTERS IS THAT EACH ONE OF US, EACH HUMAN ON THE PLANET DESERVES HAPPINESS NO MATTER HOW AND WHERE THAT HAPPINESS COMES FROM WETHER OTHERS AGREE OR NOT. HAPPINESS AND LOVE IS WHAT OUR LIVES SHOULD BE FILLED WITH, SO WHY CAN OTHERS NOT JUST BE HAPPY FOR YOU EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T AGREE???
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You say you are committed to me and have always been.
Sadly your actions then was not of a committed man. So no you haven’t always been! How do I know that this is for real? That you truly are committed to me now?
I gave you my heart, my soul, my life from the first time I said I love you! You gave me false promises, lies, betrayal and manipulation.
How do I know that you are truly not involved in any way with other women like you used to be? You led a double life for so long, how do I know you aren’t still doing that? You do it so well. You are a master manipulator.
Tell me….. how do I know this time is different? How do I know you will never betray my trust again, cheat on me again? How do I know you trully are finished with other women? How do I know I really am your only one?
The promises you made then when cheating and living the double life are the same promises you make now. The things you said then are the same now.
There was always the secret messages, sexting,secret meetings, etc while telling me I’m the only one. Making pinky promises of forever love and only me.
Have you changed as it seems, or is it more of your manipulation? More of your lies and false promises???
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Thoughts pounding in my mind
BANG….. BANG…… BANG…..
Imagery clear as a summer’s day!
Betrayal….. BOOM…..
Lies…… BANG….
Flirting….. CLANG…..
Secrets, hidden messages……. CLASH….. BOOM ….. BANG…. CLANG……
Promises broken, shattered, shimmering in a pool of tears.
Heart crushed, barely pounding….. bleeding, bleeding eternally
Soul destroying, never to rise, never to heal…..
Why…… why….. why…….
No more trust, no more laughter, no more love…….
Cruel, cruel cruel……
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She was born beautiful and innocent
She was broken and destroyed into tiny, tiny pieces – her heart, body, mind and soul….
She was left alone to sweep the tiny, tiny pieces of her heart, body, mind & soul slowly, timeously back together.
To bring her soul back, to heal her heart, to cleanse her mind and renew her body….
She stood alone in the beginning, stands alone in her turmoil & fights. She stands alone to fight against all that was done to her…..
She is a warrior, her own warrior. She will prevail. She stands in her own power.
She is Unique. She is Powerful. She is Glorious and Wonderous!!!
She is all that and more!!
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Please excuse me – I really need to vent!!
Why the hell do people continously play games? Why are people disloyal?
I’m so so tired of the lies, the deceit the betrayal!!
I seriously wish I could disappear and go where no-one knows me. Go far, far away.
So tired of all the krap!!! So tired of everything. So tired of people!!! Why do people play stupid fucking games with others emotions, others minds and others lives?
What is the fucking point of always being the person who worries about others. Will rather hurt themself than have others hurt? Why be a good, caring, loving and soft hearted person when all that gets you is being taken advantage of, being lied to and made a fool of???
WHAT THE FUCK!!!! This is not the way to live!!!!!!
People are fucked up!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK……
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Her heart breaking a little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like rain drops on a stormy day. Her stomach feeling like a deep deep pit.
Sad So so sad…
She tries to move forward, tries to carry on as if everything is bright and beautiful. Tries to ignore it because after all he is with her. He loves her.
Sad so so sad….
She knows he isn’t just hers. She knows he still needs the opposite sex. She knows he still exchanges numbers and messages, does sexting and all sorts with them. All done in private. He tells her everyday that she is the only one for him that he is hers and only her but, Sadly she knows that’s not the case.
Yes he loves her, yes he is with her but sadly she is not the only one. She loves him and tries to live with that knowledge knowing he will never stop.
Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.
She knows that one day her heart will break completely and she will need to leave even though she knows he’s the love of her life and to leave him would be to kill herself emotionally. To destroy her world. Knowing she doesn’t want to live without him but, for her own sanity and self-respect she will need to leave no matter how much she loves him.
Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.
Wishing with all her heart and soul that he trully meant the words he says. Wishing that he would realise the heartache he is causing. Wishing he would realise that what he’s doing is so so wrong. Wishing he would stop and trully only have eyes for her and only have the need for her attention and affection.
Never saying no to him sexually, giving him free reign to her body and soul. Never denying him anything. So why does he still do all that in private? Why still need others when he has everything he could ever need with her. She tries to make love to him he stops her – causing a little more heartache, why stop her? Making her want to make herself small, curl into a small ball.
He acts like he’s single on social media, has pages that look like a single man’s pages. All the single women. All the likes, hearts, etc on their photos. Photos that he shouldn’t even be taking note of, messaging these women, exchanging numbers, photos, calls, etc. Causing such disrespect to her, such disrespect to their relationship. Devalueing their relationship, their love, their life together.
Sad so so sad… Her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops….
She knows things without having to be told. She feels it through energy, her intuition and her dreams. She always knows. She just always wants proof, wants confirmation and sadly everytime she has looked for proof it has broken her heart. Everything she knows without being told has always always proven to be right. Her intuition is Always, Always right.
Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.
Will he ever see…… Will he ever stop. The hurt, the harm he is doing?
Sad so so sad…… her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears steaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.
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If only people realised the effect they have on others. How they could destroy someone so easily but, could also make them the happiest person in the world just as easily.
If only people thought before doing and realized that their actions whether done in secret or not does damage in so so many ways.
If only people treated others with the loyalty,trustworthiness and respect that they expect for themselves.
If only…..
My Life,My Thoughts 