Heartache – My Life,My Thoughts

Nervous …

A thousand ants running in her stomach

A rock on her chest,slow heavy breathing

Drums in her heart beating harder…. Harder….. faster….. Faster….

A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. spinning….

Is this genuine? Is this real??

Is this a fairytale with a happily ever after or a heartbreak story?

Her mind going back and forth,thinking,doubting,fear,heartbreak,anger,betrayal,immense love,happy, contentment……

What to believe? Is she fooling herself? Can she really once in her life believe that everything is genuine,honest with no more betrayal,heartache,fears, tears,no more lies and secrets?

Can she truly put her guard down and do one of the most important things in her life? Can she truly trust again?

Is it truly the life of renewel, openness,honesty,love,loyalty and devotion? A life that beats any happily ever after fairytale??

A thousand ants running in her stomach

A rock on her chest slow heavy breathing

A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. Spinning ….

Drums beating in her heart hard,faster…. Faster…..

She is….

Fiery heart

Weightless soul

Sea blue eyes

Shapely hourglass body

She moves through life loving, caring and saving lost souls

Helping them find their way, find their light.

Helping them see they to can shine

Teaching them that they to can face the world with wonder and beauty even with the storms

“This to shall pass” She says with strength

Everything is possible

Everything has it’s time.

Fiery heart

Weightless soul

Sea blue eyes

Shapely hourglass body

She moves through life loving, caring and saving souls

She shines like the sun in a warm spring day

Her voice like birds sweet sweet songs

Her soul ethereal, carrying her through, holding her up through the sorrows, the tears and broken pieces of all she saves.

She is a Survivor

The Queen

The Saviour.

She is Majestic, she is me…….

A lover’s heartache

You say you are committed to me and have always been.

Sadly your actions then was not of a committed man. So no you haven’t always been! How do I know that this is for real? That you truly are committed to me now?

I gave you my heart, my soul, my life from the first time I said I love you! You gave me false promises, lies, betrayal and manipulation.

How do I know that you are truly not involved in any way with other women like you used to be? You led a double life for so long, how do I know you aren’t still doing that? You do it so well. You are a master manipulator.

Tell me….. how do I know this time is different? How do I know you will never betray my trust again, cheat on me again? How do I know you trully are finished with other women? How do I know I really am your only one?

The promises you made then when cheating and living the double life are the same promises you make now. The things you said then are the same now.

There was always the secret messages, sexting,secret meetings, etc while telling me I’m the only one. Making pinky promises of forever love and only me.

Have you changed as it seems, or is it more of your manipulation? More of your lies and false promises???

Betrayed….

Thoughts pounding in my mind

BANG….. BANG…… BANG…..

Imagery clear as a summer’s day!

Betrayal….. BOOM…..

Lies…… BANG….

Flirting….. CLANG…..

Secrets, hidden messages……. CLASH….. BOOM ….. BANG…. CLANG……

Promises broken, shattered, shimmering in a pool of tears.

Heart crushed, barely pounding….. bleeding, bleeding eternally

Soul destroying, never to rise, never to heal…..

Why…… why….. why…….

No more trust, no more laughter, no more love…….

Cruel, cruel cruel……

Story of a girl….

She was born beautiful and innocent

She was broken and destroyed into tiny, tiny pieces – her heart, body, mind and soul….

She was left alone to sweep the tiny, tiny pieces of her heart, body, mind & soul slowly, timeously back together.

To bring her soul back, to heal her heart, to cleanse her mind and renew her body….

She stood alone in the beginning, stands alone in her turmoil & fights. She stands alone to fight against all that was done to her…..

She is a warrior, her own warrior. She will prevail. She stands in her own power.

She is Unique. She is Powerful. She is Glorious and Wonderous!!!

She is all that and more!!

Immense hurt, streaming tears….

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts and feelings down. This time of year is so extremely busy but, also such an emotional time for me for so so many reasons.

So this year I’m trying to let go of incredible hurt from betrayal from so many people. Heart broken from loosing my mom and it being my second Christmas without her. My boyfriend doing the biggest betrayal of all last year this time – having an affair that was going on for months. The one person I thought I could trust with my heart, my life. For the last few weeks I have been in tears more than not. I feel hurt and empty.

I feel like I’m going to explode!! How do you let go of these awful, awful memories and feelings? How do you enjoy this time of year again? I so badly want to get the joy and excitement of this time of year back, but I don’t know how. It feels like I’m still going through everything, not that it happened a year ago.

My emotions, the Incredible pain in my heart, the thoughts – all feel so raw and it’s slowly killing me inside. Will I ever be able to move forward from this immense pain? Will I ever beable to move forward from the disrespect, dishonesty and betrayal???

Help!!! I need to move forward!!!

Forgive and forget is easier said than done. Forgive yes,forget no, especially when you still feel the emotions so deeply whether you want to or not.

Tired…. No more…

My soul exhausted, empty no longer able to shine.

My tears streaming down my cheeks, an ever flowing well of tears no longer able to hide.

My mind in a fog no longer wanting to think, wanting to forget everything.

My heart broken, no longer able to handle all the hurt, betrayal and anxiety too much heartache.

So so tired…. No more….

Heart body mind and soul giving up

No more fight, no more strength, no will to go on. Everything has become too much.

Closing off from the world, building those high strong walls around me

Safer with the protection of the walls Safer keeping everyone at bay.

Tired…. needing to crawl into a ball in a quiet dark place letting my life slowly go out of me….

No more pain, no more anxiety, no more tears….

No more….

Double life.

Please tell me why you need to live a double life?

Either you are single and have fun with as many women/men as you like, and do as you please or you are in an exclusive, commited relationship with one person.

Why the deceit? Why the betrayal and lies? You have a choice, you are not forced to be in a relationship. So why choose a relationship but still in private and behind your partner’s back you are carrying on as if you are single? How do you think that is right? You wouldn’t want that done to you but, you continously do it to your partner. The continous disrespect for your partner and devaluing your relationship, never giving your relationship or your partner a real chance.

If you want so much of the opposite sex and the porn and sexting then rather leave the person you are with and give them a chance to be with someone who is trully commited, loyal and devoted to them. Give them the chance to experience true love and commitment. I can guarantee you that there are people out there who would gladly do anything for your partner. There are people out there begging to be with your partner and love them and give them everything they deserve.

Why be so selfish? Either you are 100% commited to your partner or you need to leave so you can do as you please with as many women/men as you like when and where you like. Your devoted, loyal partner deserves to be with someone who will return the loyalty and commitment, respect and love.

Think about it. You definitely don’t want your partner doing it to you so why are you doing it??? Its Wrong in so many levels!! Thinking of excuses you think is good enough actually isn’t and doesn’t work like you think they do. There are absolutely,absolutely No excuses for carrying on in any way with the opposite sex. There are Absolutely,Absolutely no excuse to be sexting, exchanging numbers, pics, calling, etc with others besides your partner. There is Absolutely,Absolutely no excuse to have naked pics of anyone but your partner!!!

You need to realise everytime your partner finds out about it and everytime you give ridiculous excuses you think are good enough you kill them inside emotionally, you continously disrespect them and hurt them. Slowly, slowly you are hurting them, Slowly, slowly they are pulling away. Eventually your relationship will end and you’ll have no-one to blame but yourself.

Think about that. You are hurting your partner!! You are killing the dreams they have for the two of you. You are killing her/him inside. The day will come when they can’t take it anymore and leave. Even though they still love you they will leave because they deserve so so so much better!!! They deserve a partner that is fully,100% there for them and only them.

At this point in my life…

People are so fake. So sneaky,so unreal!! What happened to all the genuine people?

At my age I’ve seen and endured more than enough heartache and emotional games. People are just out there for themselves and don’t care who they hurt and disrespect. Then you try do what they do to show them what their actions cause and you are the disrespectful one. Never mind what they do.

The people I have in my life are people I want in my life. Life is fleeting and I’ve decided that either they are with me 100% and give me the same loyalty and respect I give them or I don’t want them in my life.

I don’t know how long I still have in this lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to share my life with halfassed people who are not genuine. Half-assed people who are different in front of me than when I’m not around.

People are cruel to each other and play games in all aspects. Not caring who they are hurting and disrespecting, not caring that the hurt they cause destroys the person they are hurting and disrespecting.

Well, life is there to enjoy and be happy. I’ve fought enough, since I was very young I have fought for myself. Fought to try keep safe, fought to be a survivor and not a victim, fought not to give in to the darkness. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with that one genuine person who will love me as I deserve. Will see me and only me. Will need me and only me sexually, emotionally and mentally. Will only want me.

Sadly I know how I am feeling others feel as well. Thx to social media ppl play more games emotionally, sexually and mentally than ever before!! Ppl can lie so so much and so easily about themselves and live double lives.

If people can’t be real and genuine then they can move on. Every single person in my life is someone I hold dear and want in my life but, I’m not tolerating the double standards, double life, lies, deceit and games anymore – I deserve better!! I deserve ppl in my life who treat me like I treat them – with respect, loyalty and truth.

Respect, loyalty, truth are things I hold very highly and deserve.

If only..

If only people realised the effect they have on others. How they could destroy someone so easily but, could also make them the happiest person in the world just as easily.

If only people thought before doing and realized that their actions whether done in secret or not does damage in so so many ways.

If only people treated others with the loyalty,trustworthiness and respect that they expect for themselves.

If only…..