In her deep dark pit
Peace evading her
Waterfall of tears
Achig heart
Shattered dreams
Racing mind
Snakes in her stomach
How
Where
Why
Soul crushing
Perfecting her masqurade
Masks fooling everyone
In her deep dark pit
Silence
Smothering darkness
Tag: Heartache
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Why does he continue to lie and manipulate her?
Continue to do things behind her back,knowing it would hurt her?
Why – when they are supposed to be best friends,lovers,eternal partners?
Doing things he knows is wrong, things he knows will destroy everything and he could loose her,loose it all so he lies and manipulates her.
Not sure how long loving him will be enough.
She married him knowing his flaws,knowing what he does,making her feel that it’s on her as much as on him.
How long will their love be strong enough to endure all this?
She can’t take the lies and manipulation anymore.
She has been willing to go through anything with him,no matter what but,this breaking of trust,this show of disrespect is slowly killing her inside.
Her believing that she would be the last person he would do it to,they promised each other love,respect,honesty and loyalty when they got married but, he has destroyed that.
Why?
She sits alone and cries,feeling like she’s dying.
She no longer has the strength for confrontation and fighting, so she just carries on trying to hold on, her depression eating her up
He doesn’t even notice,doesn’t see how much she’s hurting,how long last she actually had any joy.
Her happiness has been taken over by immense heartache,the one person she thought she could trust has shown her no matter who it is,there is no such thing as trust and honesty.
Sadly people are all about themselves, life has changed so much. Everyone is in it for themselves,as long as they get what they want they don’t think or don’t care what their actions do to others. She truly thought he would be different.
There is no doubt he loves her, then why does he continue to do things behind her back and lie and manipulate her?
He doesn’t see things as she does,she’s emotional he is practical.
He struggles to add emotion to things and situations unless it directly effects him. She feels emotion deeply, holds on to objects that have memories, he doesn’t understand. To him objects are just objects,not understanding the emotional connections she has to certain objects.
She feels emotions extremely deeply, be it her own or others. Wishing she didn’t,wishing she could be hard. Wishing she could find her joy,her fight again.
Missing the person she was years ago – full of energy, enjoyed life, found excitement in life and pure joy in living.
The Life that she wanted,that she dreamed of is gone. Now she just goes through the days as she must. Accepting defeat,sad and alone knowing that she will never have the life she dreamt of,the life she deserves.
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Shining bright smiling sun
Small raindrops dancing down to the ground
Sweet grass,earth and flowers wafting through the air filing her senses with peace
Huge gleeming moon shining her way
Silver dancing stars thoughout the sky
Day and night turning to the universe, to mother earth to keep her sane
Fogetting all her pains, all her worries, all her heartache
Mother earth filling her with miracles and wonder overtaking all the darkness
The chaos, broken dreams and heartache hiding in a deep deep pit just for now just for a bit
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When a question is asked again & again by, now he should know it’s because she already knows the answers & is giving him chance to be honest but,he just keeps on with his lies & deceit.
What happened to the promises:
Always be open & honest
No lies or secrets
Never do anything behind each others backs
No opposite sex
His double standards are killing the relationship.
She can’t talk to the opposite sex but,he chats & spends time with them & if anything is said then it is turned around & she is made to feel guilty,like it’s her.
If people just touch her on the shoulder he freaks out but,he allows the women to even run their hands down his back with the excuse that’s the way she is – NO not good enough!! He should put a stop to it but,no she must just keep quiet and accept.
He continues with the very graphic Facebook pages even knowing how it makes her feel.
He does things behind her back that he knows very well will hurt her but,when asked lies about it. Such disrespect
He is hurting her so so deeply with his disrespect,deceit & double standards.
He expects her to trust him but,yet he continues to deceive & lie.
When she trys to talk to him it’s immediate defensiveness & turning it around onto her. Shifting the whole thing.
She is tired,soul tired.
Now she just keeps quiet, shes tired of not being heard,not being respected.
Tired of not being able to say how she feels.
She is slowly dying inside,the hurt unbearable!!
She gave her heart,soul and life to him but,yet he continues to deceive,continues to disrespect & hurt her!!
How is she meant to carry on like this?
How can she trust him with anything?
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So I lost my Best friend on the 23rd of May 2024 the person I did everything with, grew up with. The emptiness and lonliness is unbearable!!
My lifelong friend. We had the same taste in everything. She was the serious one, me the silly one.
We always said we were born in the wrong era and country. Our taste, our ways and interests not for South Africa or this era. We always used to have a good laugh about that.
Now I have no-one to share all that with. How do I go forward without her, without our shared interests and ways?
We were together most days, when we weren’t we always chatted on whats app. Not a day went by without us chatting.
Yes, I have my husband, son and Dad so I know I am not totally alone but, there are times I need a friend, a confidant. She was my everything in terms of friendship, we were closer than any sisters I know. Closer than I am to my sister. Sisters not in blood but,heart and soul.
How do you move forward? How do you deal with the loss and hurt?
The Never ending loneliness even when there are people around.
Always an emptiness.
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So many words in my mind….
So many thoughts……
Love….
Anxiety……
Hatred……
Truth……
Honesty……
Loyalty…….
Disappointment…….
Should have……….
Could have………..
What if…………..
Betrayal…………
Lies…………
Secrets……………
Fears…………….
Hope………………
Loss…………….
Why……………….
All these words circling in my mind
Drowning my soul
Squeezing my heart
Moving forward everyday automatically.
The fluttering in my stomach
The sounds in my ears
My soul, my heart, my mind, my body ……….
Screaming!
Screaming so so loud!!!!!!!!!
The tears streaming down my face every second they get.
Use the mask, let everyone think you are great.
Laugh & smile so no-one know the fights you are fighting daily.
So much easier keeping it all inside no need to explain then.
So many words in my mind….
So many thoughts…….
Love….
Anxiety……
Hatred……
Truth……
Honesty……
Loyalty…….
Disappointment…….
Should have……….
Could have………..
What if…………..
Betrayal…………
Lies…………
Secrets……………
Fears…………….
Hope………………
Loss…………….
Why……………….
All those words from experiences that are eating me up inside.
The memories playing over & over like a never ending movie on slow motion.
Wake up every morning, put on your mask & smile.
Go to the bathroom – cry.
When you are alone – cry.
Just don’t let anyone know……
Don’t let anyone see.
Is this never ending slow motion movie ever end or is it eventually going to be my end?
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Always feeling like she is never good enough,alone,hurting all the time, feeling like a total failure.
Always going out of her way to make sure to put a smile on others faces. Letting them know they are special making sure they don’t hurt and feel like she does.
Yet always feeling like she isn’t really really seen. Seen for who she truly is,seen through her eyes to her soul. Always feeling like no-one truly cares about her.
Yet,she makes sure no-one will ever feel like she does. Life is short and everyone is special in their own way,she might not feel like that but atleast she can make sure others feel love,have hope, feel special.
She does her best to make sure no-one hurts,feels lost and alone. Trying to protect them from the darkness that comes so strong,that takes your soul
She knows to well how it feels,wishes she never knew that feeling but knowing if she didn’t she couldn’t truly help others. Sadly feeling like that all her life no matter what she tried or accomplished.
The only way to survive this terrible terrible feeling is by holding on to one more day to give someone else their smile back,to give them hope and show them they have purpose and are special in their own way.
Yes, she hurts deeply everyday,feels like she is alone and doesn’t belong anywhere,feeling like a failure all the time but atleast she can make sure they don’t. If she never did that she would not go on,there would be nothing for her to keep moving forward and carrying on with life.
My Life,My Thoughts 