A deep yearning for what was…
Screaming echoes for things unknown…
In the void of past present and future
Echoes of voices,screams,laughter and wonder
Is what is to be a wonderous journey of the unseen,the unexplained and mysterious?
Tag: Life
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Like a volcano intense emotions filling her soul,burning every ounce of peace and hapiness
Like a waterfall tears streaming down her cheeks
Like a tornado thoughts causing chaos and destruction
Like a clown smiling and laughing but,intense heartache inside for no-one to see
Like a deep dark well filled with wishes and dreams her soul holds on
Like a bird in flight,so free and miraculous,holding on to the time all thoughts,betrayal,heartache and tears will disappear to join the freedom and peace of a bird in flight.
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Really?
Do you honestly believe that?
Through years of heartache and experience I have found that blood is NOT thicker than water!
The people who stand by your side, have your best interests at heart are not family, they are the people whose paths cross yours throughout your life.
Those are the special people whether they are there for a reason, a season or a life time they stand by you and help you through without judgement.
Family judge and criticise no matter what. You try your whole life to please them and do what makes them happy forgetting about yourself only to make sure you still have your family in your life.
Then the day happens that you realise your life is passing you by and you have never been truly happy, you choose your happiness. Unfortunately what brings you love and happiness doesn’t go with what your family wants or agrees with and you get kicked to the side as if you never existed!!
I will choose the people that come into my life for the reasons, seasons or lifetimes over the people who share my dna, who are supposed to have your back through thick and thin, whether they agree or not. There is definately NO such thing as Blood being thicker than water!
It cuts deep, so so deep daily that they will push you aside as if you don’t exist because they don’t agree with the decision you have made that gives you so so much joy and unconditional love!
What I thought a family is is obviously a fairytale. Aren’t they supposed to be there no matter what? Isn’t your happiness important? Isn’t family supposed to have unconditional love for one another?
SELFISH, SO SO SELFISH!!!
They don’t agree….. You don’t exist!!!
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So many words in my mind….
So many thoughts……
Love….
Anxiety……
Hatred……
Truth……
Honesty……
Loyalty…….
Disappointment…….
Should have……….
Could have………..
What if…………..
Betrayal…………
Lies…………
Secrets……………
Fears…………….
Hope………………
Loss…………….
Why……………….
All these words circling in my mind
Drowning my soul
Squeezing my heart
Moving forward everyday automatically.
The fluttering in my stomach
The sounds in my ears
My soul, my heart, my mind, my body ……….
Screaming!
Screaming so so loud!!!!!!!!!
The tears streaming down my face every second they get.
Use the mask, let everyone think you are great.
Laugh & smile so no-one know the fights you are fighting daily.
So much easier keeping it all inside no need to explain then.
So many words in my mind….
So many thoughts…….
Love….
Anxiety……
Hatred……
Truth……
Honesty……
Loyalty…….
Disappointment…….
Should have……….
Could have………..
What if…………..
Betrayal…………
Lies…………
Secrets……………
Fears…………….
Hope………………
Loss…………….
Why……………….
All those words from experiences that are eating me up inside.
The memories playing over & over like a never ending movie on slow motion.
Wake up every morning, put on your mask & smile.
Go to the bathroom – cry.
When you are alone – cry.
Just don’t let anyone know……
Don’t let anyone see.
Is this never ending slow motion movie ever end or is it eventually going to be my end?
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BANG…………………………….
BANG……………………………..
BANG…………………………….
Screaming and crying – BABY I ROLLED YOUR CAR! I’M SO SO SO SO SORRY BABY!!!
I’M SO SO SORRY!!! I ROLLED THE CAR, I NEVER MEANT TO,I’M SO SO SORRY BABY!!!Words running through my mind since the 10th January, hearing his voice over and over again – when my husband had an accident. My beloved car a write-off. A gift from my Mom and Dad. A car that was more than just a car as my Mom passed three years ago so saying goodbye to the car is heartbreaking!! So so hearbreaking.
It is February now but, to me it still feels like it just happened. Hearing my Husband crying and screaming that he rolled the car and how sorry he is. The fear for his life – something I Never want to experience again.
How he came out of the car alive I don’t know but, I thank whichever God/Goddess was with him. We got married on the 23rd July 2023, so we are still building our lives together and enjoying being a married couple – I can not think of my life without my husband, he is my world.
Now we hold on and move forward, build and save and be grateful that he is still here with me. Some days are good, some days are bad and others a nightmare like today – I feel like I’m in a never ending dark tunnel.
So many terrible things have happened since 2024 has started, I can only hold on to the hope that things are getting better. Maybe not as quickly as we want it to but, it is slowly getting better.
Life has shown me again how quick and easy your life can change. In a second everything could change for the good or bad. I am now holding on for it to change for good things, happy things.
They say that if a year starts badly the rest of the year is good – well come on now – we definitely need the good. Everything happens in threes well we’ve already had that.
2024 you will not break me!!
2024 you will give me an excellent, prosperous, fulfilling year!!
I am not beaten yet even though today I feel like I am but, I get up and stand tall and say – NO I am going forward!! I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!
2024 WATCH ME…………… -
Always feeling like she is never good enough,alone,hurting all the time, feeling like a total failure.
Always going out of her way to make sure to put a smile on others faces. Letting them know they are special making sure they don’t hurt and feel like she does.
Yet always feeling like she isn’t really really seen. Seen for who she truly is,seen through her eyes to her soul. Always feeling like no-one truly cares about her.
Yet,she makes sure no-one will ever feel like she does. Life is short and everyone is special in their own way,she might not feel like that but atleast she can make sure others feel love,have hope, feel special.
She does her best to make sure no-one hurts,feels lost and alone. Trying to protect them from the darkness that comes so strong,that takes your soul
She knows to well how it feels,wishes she never knew that feeling but knowing if she didn’t she couldn’t truly help others. Sadly feeling like that all her life no matter what she tried or accomplished.
The only way to survive this terrible terrible feeling is by holding on to one more day to give someone else their smile back,to give them hope and show them they have purpose and are special in their own way.
Yes, she hurts deeply everyday,feels like she is alone and doesn’t belong anywhere,feeling like a failure all the time but atleast she can make sure they don’t. If she never did that she would not go on,there would be nothing for her to keep moving forward and carrying on with life.
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You are broken
Alone
Sad
Disconnected
You’re life isn’t bad but,yet it still feels empty,feels like something or someone is missing.
You feel you’ve let so many people down. You are the disaster wherever you go. Your own family couldn’t care less.
How extremely heartbreaking it is to feel that you are totally alone even with family.
Not belonging in this world, feeling disconnected and out of place everywhere. Feeling like a failure even though you know you did your best. Feeling like you aren’t good enough,never have been and never will be.
Sooner or later those in your life will leave – be it their time in life or be it that they have decided to distance themselves from you – you end up alone.
I guess you come into this world alone and you go out alone so while you are living you need to try be alone.
The saddest and most heart breaking feeling is knowing that the person who passed away was the only one who truly cared.
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SUCH A SAD SAD EXISTENCE WHEN YOU REALISE THAT YOUR FAMILY DOESN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU. BLOOD IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT THICKER THAN WATER!!!
DEEPLY HEART BREAKING WHEN THE ONE PERSON WHO DID IS THE FIRST ONE TO PASS AWAY. THE ONE PERSON WHO YOU COULD TALK TO, WHO YOU KNEW WAS ALWAYS THERE NO MATTER WHAT.
YOU CARRY ON WITH LIFE, FIND LOVE, GET MARRIED BUT, THE LONELINESS AND HEARTBREAK CONTINUES.
IT’S A LONELINESS AND HEART BREAK THAT FILLS YOUR SOUL. THAT TAKES OVER YOUR EVERY THOUGHT, EVERY MOMENT, NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR HOW INCREDIBLE YOUR LIFE IS MOVING FORWARD THERE IS NEVER TRUE PEACE.
SUCH A SAD SAD EXISTENCE!!
THERE IS FAMILY YET THERE MAY AS WELL NOT BE. YOU DO NOT EXIST TO THEM. YOU ARE NOT EVEN A THOUGHT TO THEM.
ALL THEY CAN DO IS JUDGE, CRITICIZE, IGNORE YOU. THEY CAN’T GRANT YOU HAPPINESS, WHAT THEY THINK AND HOW THEY FEEL IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU AND YOUR HAPPINESS.
YOU TRY TO KEEP IN TOUCH, TRY TO MAKE CONVERSATION, TRY TO KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER BUT, ALL THAT YOU GET IS FEELING LIKE YOU ARE SPEAKING TO YOURSELF, TO YOUR IMAGINATION.
IMPORTANT EVENTS LIKE BIRTHDAYS AND CHRISTMASES SAD, SO SO SAD, JUST MAKES YOU FEEL MORE EXCLUDED MORE ALONE.
SUCH A SAD SAD EXISTENCE!!
ALL YOUR LIFE TRYING TO PLEASE THE FAMILY, NO MATTER WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO YOU DIDN’T, BECAUSE IT WOULD NOT BE ACCEPTABLE TO THE SO CALLED FAMILY. YOU ALWASY, ALWAYS, ALWASY PUT THE FAMILY FIRST!! NOW, AFTER LIVING MOST OF YOUR LIFE TO PLEASE THEM, YOU DECIDE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT, THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND THE WAY YOU NEED BUT, YET YOU ARE NEVER TRULY HAPPY, YOUR HEART BREAKS EVERYDAY, THE TEARS STREAM DOWN YOUR FACE DAILY BECAUSE OF THE SO CALLED FAMILY.
SUCH A SAD SAD EXISTENCE.
THEY DESTROY YOUR HAPPINESS NO MATTER WHAT, IT’S ABOUT THEM AND NEVER YOU. WHY CAN THEY BE HAPPY AND CHOOSE HOW THEY LIVE, WHO THEY WANT IN THEIR LIVES, WHAT THEY DO IN THEIR LIVES BUT, YOU CAN’T? WHY IS THEIR HAPPINESS MORE IMPORTANT??
WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT, WE ALL SEE LIFE AND THINGS DIFFERENTLY WHAT MATTERS IS THAT EACH ONE OF US, EACH HUMAN ON THE PLANET DESERVES HAPPINES NO MATTER HOW AND WHERE THAT HAPPINESS COMES FROM WETHER OTHERS AGREE OR NOT. HAPPINES AND LOVE IS WHAT OUR LIVES SHOULD BE FILLED WITH SO WHY CAN OTHERS NOT JUST BE HAPPY FOR YOU EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T AGREE???
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THE INTENSE PAIN IN YOUR HEART THAT ONLY A CHILD CAN CAUSE IT’S PARENT. A PAIN SO INTENSE SO DEEP THAT IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE DYING.
THE LIES, NO LOYALTY, SHELFISHNESS – DECIET – THAT IS TOO HURTFUL TO BARE, TO COMPREHEND.
HOW DOES A CHILD CAUSE SO MUCH PAIN AND BE SO SELF CENTERED? IT’S ALL ME, ME, ME, NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCE, NO MATTER WHO IS HURT IN THE PROCESS.
RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT, CRUSHING IT, KILLING YOUR SOUL, YOUR WILL TO LIVE. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO FOR THEM IT HONESTLY MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. THE MORE YOU DO, THE MORE THEY WANT.
HAVE I BEEN A BAD MOTHER? AM I STILL A BAD MOTHER? AM I SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON TO DESERVE THIS FROM THE ONE PERSON I GAVE MY LIFE FOR. THE ONE PERSON I THOUGHT WOULD STAND BY ME NO MATTER WHAT, AS I HAVE DONE FOR HIM OVER AN OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
INSTEAD OF HIM APPRECIATING, LOVING AND BEING GRATEFUL YOU GET HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN……
WHY DID I PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR HIM? WHY DID I DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING FOR HIM? WHY MAKE HIM A PRIORITY ALL HIS LIFE, ALL MY LIFE, WHEN IT MADE NO DIFFERENCE?
YOU STAND BY THEM NO MATTER WHAT, SUPPORT THEM WHETHER YOU AGREE OF NOT. NO MATTER WHAT THEY WANT TO DO OR BECOME YOU ARE THERE ALL THE WAY. YET, YOU ASK FOR A LITTLE SUPPORT, JUST A TINY LITTLE BUT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK A STRANGER – YOU GET MORE FROM A STRANGER THAN YOUR OWN CHILD.
YOUR HEART IS CRUSHED, DYING, HURTING, INTENSLEY HURTING YET, THEY GO ON WITH THEIR LIVES AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED AND YOU MUST JUST KEEP BEING THERE WHEN THEY WANT FOR WHATEVER THEY WANT. IS THIS HEARTACHE, LIES, DISLOYALTY WORTH IT? WHEN DO YOU DECIDE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND GO YOUR SEPERATE WAY??
CAN’T TAKE THIS PAIN! CAN’T TAKE THE LIES AND DECIET ANYMORE!!! THIS PAIN IS TOO MUCH…….
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A thousand ants running in her stomach
A rock on her chest,slow heavy breathing
Drums in her heart beating harder…. Harder….. faster….. Faster….
A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. spinning….
Is this genuine? Is this real??
Is this a fairytale with a happily ever after or a heartbreak story?
Her mind going back and forth, thinking, doubting, fear, heartbreak, anger, betrayal, immense love, happy, contentment……
What to believe? Is she fooling herself? Can she really once in her life believe that everything is genuine,honest with no more betrayal,heartache,fears, tears,no more lies and secrets?
Can she truly put her guard down and do one of the most important things in her life? Can she truly trust again?
Is it truly the life of renewel, openness,honesty,love,loyalty and devotion? A life that beats any happily ever after fairytale??
A thousand ants running in her stomach
A rock on her chest slow heavy breathing
A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. Spinning ….
Drums beating in her heart hard,faster…. Faster…..
My Life,My Thoughts 