Tired…. No more…

My soul exhausted, empty no longer able to shine.

My tears streaming down my cheeks, an ever flowing well of tears no longer able to hide.

My mind in a fog no longer wanting to think, wanting to forget everything.

My heart broken no longer able to handle all the hurt, betrayal and anxiety too much heartache.

So so tired…. No more….

Heart body mind and soul giving up

No more fight, no more strength, no will to go on. Everything has become too much.

Closing off from the world, building those high strong walls around me

Safer with the protection of the walls Safer keeping everyone at bay.

Tired…. needing to crawl into a ball in a quiet dark place letting my life slowly go out of me….

No more pain, no more anxiety, no more tears….

No more….

No more….

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At this point in my life…

People are so fake. So sneaky,so unreal!! What happened to all the genuine people?

At my age I’ve seen and endured more than enough heartache and emotional games. People are just out there for themselves and don’t care who they hurt and disrespect. Then you try do what they do to show them what their actions cause and you are the disrespectful one. Never mind what they do.

The people I have in my life are people I want in my life. Life is fleeting and I’ve decided that either they are with me 100% and give me the same loyalty and respect I give them or I don’t want them in my life.

I don’t know how long I still have in this lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to share my life with halfassed people who are not genuine. Half-assed people who are different in front of me than when I’m not around.

People are cruel to each other and play games in all aspects. Not caring who they are hurting and disrespecting, not caring that the hurt they cause destroys the person they are hurting and disrespecting.

Well, life is there to enjoy and be happy. I’ve fought enough, since I was very young I have fought for myself. Fought to try keep safe, fought to be a survivor and not a victim, fought not to give in to the darkness. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with that one genuine person who will love me as I deserve. Will see me and only me. Will need me and only me sexually, emotionally and mentally. Will only want me.

Sadly I know how I am feeling others feel as well. Thx to social media ppl play more games emotionally, sexually and mentally than ever before!! Ppl can lie so so much and so easily about themselves and live double lives.

If people can’t be real and genuine then they can move on. Every single person in my life is someone I hold dear and want in my life but, I’m not tolerating the double standards, double life, lies, deceit and games anymore – I deserve better!! I deserve ppl in my life who treat me like I treat them – with respect, loyalty and truth.

Respect, loyalty, truth are things I hold very highly and deserve.

Young life

So incredible to be a child. Seeing the world through pure, innocent eyes. Loving, enjoying and learning all the time

All the fairytales keeping your imagination alive, causing you to live a life full of imagery and surprises. So exciting!! Everything possible! A world of wonder and fantasy.

Happiness a continous emotion. Not knowing heartbreak, hatred and fear. Full of pure love and truth.

If only we could all keep that as we grow up. Sadly loosing all of life’s wonders and innocent joy and love. Sadly knowing fairytales are just that – tales.

The sadness, deceit, betrayal, lies and immense heartache that replaces the wonder and innocence. So so sad!!

Sadly realizing that people are deceitful, disloyal, disrespectful. Only living for themselves and not caring if their actions hurt and do harm to others.

If only we could be like Peter Pan and the lost boys- young and adventurous forever. Full of love and care for each other. Standing by each other no matter what. Loyalty, love and honesty the way.

Fuuuuuck…..

Please excuse me – I really need to vent!!

Why the hell do people continously play games? Why are people disloyal?

I’m so so tired of the lies, the deceit the betrayal!!

I seriously wish I could disappear and go where no-one knows me. Go far, far away.

So tired of all the krap!!! So tired of everything. So tired of people!!! Why do people play stupid fucking games with others emotions, others minds and others lives?

What is the fucking point of always being the person who worries about others. Will rather hurt themself than have others hurt? Why be a good, caring, loving and soft hearted person when all that gets you is being taken advantage of, being lied to and made a fool of???

WHAT THE FUCK!!!! This is not the way to live!!!!!!

People are fucked up!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK……

Sad so so sad…

Her heart breaking a little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like rain drops on a stormy day. Her stomach feeling like a deep deep pit.

Sad So so sad…

She tries to move forward, tries to carry on as if everything is bright and beautiful. Tries to ignore it because after all he is with her. He loves her.

Sad so so sad….

She knows he isn’t just hers. She knows he still needs the opposite sex. She knows he still exchanges numbers and messages, does sexting and all sorts with them. All done in private. He tells her everyday that she is the only one for him that he is hers and only her but, Sadly she knows that’s not the case.

Yes he loves her, yes he is with her but sadly she is not the only one. She loves him and tries to live with that knowledge knowing he will never stop.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

She knows that one day her heart will break completely and she will need to leave even though she knows he’s the love of her life and to leave him would be to kill herself emotionally. To destroy her world. Knowing she doesn’t want to live without him but, for her own sanity and self-respect she will need to leave no matter how much she loves him.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Wishing with all her heart and soul that he trully meant the words he says. Wishing that he would realise the heartache he is causing. Wishing he would realise that what he’s doing is so so wrong. Wishing he would stop and trully only have eyes for her and only have the need for her attention and affection.

Never saying no to him sexually, giving him free reign to her body and soul. Never denying him anything. So why does he still do all that in private? Why still need others when he has everything he could ever need with her. She tries to make love to him he stops her – causing a little more heartache, why stop her? Making her want to make herself small, curl into a small ball.

He acts like he’s single on social media, has pages that look like a single man’s pages. All the single women. All the likes, hearts, etc on their photos. Photos that he shouldn’t even be taking note of, messaging these women, exchanging numbers, photos, calls, etc. Causing such disrespect to her, such disrespect to their relationship. Devalueing their relationship, their love, their life together.

Sad so so sad… Her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops….

She knows things without having to be told. She feels it though energy, her intuition and her dreams. She always knows. She just always wants proof, wants confirmation and sadly everytime she has looked for proof it has broken her heart. Everything she knows without being told has always always proven to be right. Her intuition is Always, Always right.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Will he ever see…… Will he ever stop. The hurt, the harm he is doing?

Sad so so sad…… her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears steaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Disconnected

Watching everyone but, not seeing…

Listening but not hearing….

Talking but, sounding miles away…

Music playing but, seems to be echoing…

Laughter all around but, no laughter inside of you….

Things said echoing over and over in your mind.

Everything like a movie running slowly over and over. Moments good and bad, happy and sad running and running over and over, sloooowly, echoing…..

This disconnection, feeling like you aren’t in reality. Feeling like your life is a dream and your body is light, floating all around, watching from a distance. Everything an echo…

Running, running away far far away into the forest peaceful and calm. The mountain keeping me safe giving its beauty. The lake running full of life showing me its life source. Such peace, such calm.

A love story ……

She’s 47, he’s 21. They fell in love through turmoil. Their love a love stronger than any other. Better than any fairytale. A love that defies all odds.

It started strangely, unexpectedly, without warning. Drawn together with an incredibly strong link. An unbreakable bond.

A love that’s been through troubles and turmoil but, gets stronger and stronger. A love so intense, so strong, so unexplainable so real so absolute!

She’s his everything, his love, his calm and his storm. She holds him up when he’s tired, gives him all of her. He’s her sunshine in dark times and her rainbow in the storms. He holds her up when she is weak, understands her like no other. He is patient and understanding with her. They are each other’s life, each other’s Forever and Always.

They complete each other. Their souls intertwined for all eternity – a supernova – indescribable, eternal, an incredible breath taking union.

Together they stand no matter what. Together they fight. Together they laugh and cry. Together they make a home, a family. A story better than any love story, better than any fairytale.

Not easy reading…

I want to speak about things that I have endured in my life. Things that not many people know about, not even my folks.

From a very young age I’ve had to deal with sexual, mental and emotional and physical abuse. Sexual, emotional and mental abuse from various people my folks and I trusted – A friend of my folks, my uncle(Mom’s youngest brother), my best friend’s father, another one of my Dad’s friends, a step family member – all from the age of 4. Once I left school I went into one abusive relationship to the next, even getting raped by one of them. Carrying o. With the horrific cycle.

After school carrying on with the abusive cycle with the men I sadly chose to be with. Going to hospital because of injuries from the beatings, feeling powerless and scared all the time. The sexual, mental and emotional abuse I have had to endure from about the age of 4 is beyond comprehension.  I have had to fight for my sanity and my life.

How do you start explaining your experiences when it’s been a looooong, difficult road. A life of manipulation, deceit, lies and fear. Sadly as much as you say you have worked through it, there are triggers in your everyday life, no matter how long ago it happened.

I’ve been beaten, chocked, pulled by my hair while being dragged, been held up against the wall by my throat, been raped and torn as he raped me, been instructed what to wear and how to behave, been cheated on so many times its ridiculous.  I lost myself trying to keep them happy in hopes that the fighting, the screaming, them breaking me down every second they got, would stop but, it never did.

At the age of 47 I still have nightmares and still have triggers that put me in a state of being that scared little girl or that person who would do anything so she doesn’t get beaten or screamed at. The person who was the trophy to show off but not to be loyal to and treat properly with the care, love and loyalty she deserves.

The night of the rape killed me inside, The more I screamed for him to stop the more he carried on, the rougher he got, the more he tore me. When he was finished he went out again leaving me lying on the floor crying, scared and in a lot of pain. 

The words that have been said to me since a little girl still goes through my mind every now and then – “Don’t tell anyone”, “don’t tell your parents I will kill them” and “who would they believe? No-one will believe a little girl.” “You are worthless”, “Not worthy of anything”, “You are only here for men to enjoy, nothing else “”Your body and beauty is for us to do with what we want”, “You are not worth only being with you when there are so many others to enjoy as well, I will be with as many women as and how I want, you will never change that, it will Never just be you”, “You are my teophy woman so behave when we go out, stay by me and dont move” and on and on it went. Little by little my soul got destroyed, I got destroyed.

Wearing pants in hopes that when he takes me for the dreaded drives he can’t molest me again but, be still gets it right everytime. His hands in my pants playing while he pleases himself until he’s done. At home – Him pleasing himself and making me stand there naked in front of him until he was finished then wiping himself clean with my underwear. When I would bath he would stand outside and watch through the window while pleasing himself. I was not aloud to put clothes on until he was done. All this when I was very young, not even developed properly, it got worse as I grew and my body developed.

Sleeping over at my friend’s house, sleeping next to her and putting teddies all around us, which in my young mind made sense that it would make it difficult for him to do anything to me but,sadly when we both slept he always came in and had his way. In the day while all the children were there he would make me sit on his lap and put his fingers in my panties and enjoy himself – always sitting at a table with a table cloth so no-one could see. He would always find games that looked innocent to everyone but, wasn’t.  Games where it made it possible for him to touch me inappropriately but, no-one realized what he was doing.

My saving grace was going to boarding school. Little do my parents know that me going to boarding school helped me stay sane and alive.

Having boyfriends lie, manipulate, abuse and cheat on me was so soul destroying, everything carried on most of my life. The emotional and mental abuse carried on with them. I still don’t understand why. I have always been the loyal, honest one, the one that does anything for others. 

A lot of times I wish I was cold hearted and uncaring. I wish I wasn’t the girl everyone seemed to want, even making bets on who would be with me. I even picked up weight, stopped dressing up, stopped wearing makeup, made myself as ugly, as undesirable as possible so that men would just leave me alone. Thinking that if I did that and wasn’t someone that drew their attention then I’d be safe – no more fear, no more anxiety, no more manipulation, no more deceit, no more cheating!!!! Being alone seemed safer.

All I’ve ever wanted is someone to be 100% loyal to me, someone who treats me with love and kindness, who is totally devoted to me, who is understanding. Someone who is only interested in me and not needing other women. Is that so much to ask for??? Is it so much to ask to have my person and not have to always to worry????

Life has taught me that you can never let your guard down. You need to be careful who you let in your life and heart. I was single for 17 years to keep myself and my son safe. 17 years of trying to make myself as undesirable as possible so that I don’t get lied to, manipulated, abused or cheated on.

The only good thing out of my life experiences is that I have helped many others who have been through similar situations and I will continue to do that. They need to know they aren’t alone.

No matter what anyone says – You are You! One in a million! You are special and have been created with a purpose! Never let anyone take your power away from you. Don’t let what they say become who you are. Keep your power and fight. You are stronger than you think and more powerful and special than you could imagine!!!

Step back…..

Take a step back from life,from all your thoughts, beliefs,emotions- everything. Let the universe do what it does best. Look at your life with new eyes,as if it’s someone else’s life. Look at the people in you life – really Look. Look at the way your life is going. Look at everything around you with new eyes.

The constant worry & anxiety about things you can’t change. Feeling drained trying to control things knowing you can’t. Knowing very well that no matter what – things are as they should be & will always be as they should be no matter what you try,no matter how many tears you cry or sleepless nights you endure,no matter how many times you fight,beg or crawl. What will be will be.

You give,you love,you try understand. You shake with emotions, tears running down your cheeks. Uncontrollable, hurting,anxiety. Sleepless nights, fear,maddening thoughts. I will control, I will make things the way I want. No, not like that – like this. No……..

No matter what you try – what is meant to be will be! So give up control,let it go. Let the universe & all that it is – bring together what is truly meant to be. Let all the puzzle pieces fall into place the way they want,the way they should. Let them go where they need to, life will slowly be bright again. You will see.

You are destined for immeasurable love. Destined to have good people in your life. Destined to be someone’s only one,someone’s everything.

Give up the reigns,take back your energy. Let the universe & all it’s made of do your bidding, fill your life.