It’s been ages since I’ve blogged. So so much has been happening.

On the 25th December, the love of my life asked me to “marry him”. He has now committed himself and his life to me forever. We are doing a handfasting on the 23rd July – our second year anniversary.

I love him more than words could ever explain, but I do wonder if he realizes what he has asked and decided. It seems he still keeps our relationship quiet to people, like his family, his mom, and dad – the two most important people who should know, he hasn’t told. I know there are other women he hasn’t told yet either that I know are still in his life, and he still talks /chats too. He is still determined to keep me separate from his family and friends, I won’t lie, that hurts like hell.

How could you ask for a commitment and say you are committing yourself to someone yet still do that?

He has changed a hell of a lot, and I don’t doubt his love for me. I just worry if he is really ready for one woman and only one woman for the rest of his life. Is he truly ready to openly, honestly, without a doubt, commit to one woman? To admit to everyone that he is engaged and committed?

He calls himself my fiance, and I’m his. He’s always letting me know how much he loves me and is so affectionate towards me. He takes care of me so well. Am I maybe just overthinking everything? Is this wrong of me thinking all this?

He is the love of my life!! All I want until my dying day! Question is am I truly his, is he truly ready for one person by his side until the end??



The beautiful, intense sun is rising, bringing in its beautiful light to take away the darkness. Slowly rising from your slumber, hearing the birds at play outside,smelling the sweet flowers.

You stretch and get your mind ready for the day. Another day of fighting for sanity another day of stress,worries,overthinking & anxiety. Another day to try fight the thoughts and emotions you know don’t help you.

Scenario after scenario. Driving yourself crazy,spinning in circles. Emotions high then low all because your thoughts take you to places of fear & anxiety.

Why?? What??? What if??? It happened before, beware – Protect yourself!! Free yourself!! Keep calm – heart is racing as if you’re running a marathon. People lie and play games don’t trust – Trust – people aren’t all the same. You are incredible – No I’m a wreck. You are always there for everyone – no-one cares about you. He loves you – No he doesn’t. You are all he wants and needs – No not possible,why would you be,how could you be??

Thoughts back and forth with yourself and your emotions. A continous fight not to give in to the negativity, fear and anxiety. Continuously fighting with yourself knowing that a lot of it is unnecessary and a product of your past of a life and circumstances you were forced into all your life. As an adult now struggling daily.

The moon rises,sun goes down and with it the struggles of the day. Take a shower,let the water wash away your fears,worries and anxiety. Cuddle next to the love of your life,your safe place,the only way to be able to sleep is in his warm loving arms engulfing me. Just for a few hours everything’s perfect,the thoughts are calm. He gives me the calm and love needed so badly. Giving me the strength I need to go on for another day.