At this point in my life…

People are so fake. So sneaky,so unreal!! What happened to all the genuine people?

At my age I’ve seen and endured more than enough heartache and emotional games. People are just out there for themselves and don’t care who they hurt and disrespect. Then you try do what they do to show them what their actions cause and you are the disrespectful one. Never mind what they do.

The people I have in my life are people I want in my life. Life is fleeting and I’ve decided that either they are with me 100% and give me the same loyalty and respect I give them or I don’t want them in my life.

I don’t know how long I still have in this lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to share my life with halfassed people who are not genuine. Half-assed people who are different in front of me than when I’m not around.

People are cruel to each other and play games in all aspects. Not caring who they are hurting and disrespecting, not caring that the hurt they cause destroys the person they are hurting and disrespecting.

Well, life is there to enjoy and be happy. I’ve fought enough, since I was very young I have fought for myself. Fought to try keep safe, fought to be a survivor and not a victim, fought not to give in to the darkness. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with that one genuine person who will love me as I deserve. Will see me and only me. Will need me and only me sexually, emotionally and mentally. Will only want me.

Sadly I know how I am feeling others feel as well. Thx to social media ppl play more games emotionally, sexually and mentally than ever before!! Ppl can lie so so much and so easily about themselves and live double lives.

If people can’t be real and genuine then they can move on. Every single person in my life is someone I hold dear and want in my life but, I’m not tolerating the double standards, double life, lies, deceit and games anymore – I deserve better!! I deserve ppl in my life who treat me like I treat them – with respect, loyalty and truth.

Respect, loyalty, truth are things I hold very highly and deserve.

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An awakening

Today I realized how much my past abuse still affects my life.

Roll back many years – after leaving one more abusive relationship you promise yourself never again!! You stay single for many years to break the cycle of abuse and to work through the trauma. When you left the last relationship you told yourself no more abuse, no more fear, no more being the victim – you are a survivor not a victim you will overcome the nightmares and fear.

Now – years and years later you get involved in a relationship with an incredible man who loves you,supports you, takes care of you, and will never hurt you in any way.

Unfortunately today we ended up fighting because of an innocent thing that happened. Why? Because I felt humiliated, I felt I needed to defend myself unnecessarily and got upset. He did not have any bad intentions, on the contrary he was trying to avoid a bad situation.

After we spoke I realized that my trauma from my years of abuse is still there. Subconsciously I still feel I need to protect myself and defend myself. I never could when going through the abuse. I was always belittled, made to shut up and do as he wanted, been hurt and attacked in so many ways.

Yes I’m a survivor but it seems the trauma will always be there. I now see that I never worked through it properly. I need to get to the point of realizing I don’t always need to protect myself and defend myself, not everyone is there to hurt and abuse and belittle.

So my next journey begins. How to make sure the past does not destroy this incredible relationship.