In her deep dark pit
Peace evading her
Waterfall of tears
Achig heart
Shattered dreams
Racing mind
Snakes in her stomach
How
Where
Why
Soul crushing
Perfecting her masqurade
Masks fooling everyone
In her deep dark pit
Silence
Smothering darkness
Tag: Tears
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So I lost my Best friend on the 23rd of May 2024 the person I did everything with, grew up with. The emptiness and lonliness is unbearable!!
My lifelong friend. We had the same taste in everything. She was the serious one, me the silly one.
We always said we were born in the wrong era and country. Our taste, our ways and interests not for South Africa or this era. We always used to have a good laugh about that.
Now I have no-one to share all that with. How do I go forward without her, without our shared interests and ways?
We were together most days, when we weren’t we always chatted on whats app. Not a day went by without us chatting.
Yes, I have my husband, son and Dad so I know I am not totally alone but, there are times I need a friend, a confidant. She was my everything in terms of friendship, we were closer than any sisters I know. Closer than I am to my sister. Sisters not in blood but,heart and soul.
How do you move forward? How do you deal with the loss and hurt?
The Never ending loneliness even when there are people around.
Always an emptiness.
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So many words in my mind….
So many thoughts……
Love….
Anxiety……
Hatred……
Truth……
Honesty……
Loyalty…….
Disappointment…….
Should have……….
Could have………..
What if…………..
Betrayal…………
Lies…………
Secrets……………
Fears…………….
Hope………………
Loss…………….
Why……………….
All these words circling in my mind
Drowning my soul
Squeezing my heart
Moving forward everyday automatically.
The fluttering in my stomach
The sounds in my ears
My soul, my heart, my mind, my body ……….
Screaming!
Screaming so so loud!!!!!!!!!
The tears streaming down my face every second they get.
Use the mask, let everyone think you are great.
Laugh & smile so no-one know the fights you are fighting daily.
So much easier keeping it all inside no need to explain then.
So many words in my mind….
So many thoughts…….
Love….
Anxiety……
Hatred……
Truth……
Honesty……
Loyalty…….
Disappointment…….
Should have……….
Could have………..
What if…………..
Betrayal…………
Lies…………
Secrets……………
Fears…………….
Hope………………
Loss…………….
Why……………….
All those words from experiences that are eating me up inside.
The memories playing over & over like a never ending movie on slow motion.
Wake up every morning, put on your mask & smile.
Go to the bathroom – cry.
When you are alone – cry.
Just don’t let anyone know……
Don’t let anyone see.
Is this never ending slow motion movie ever end or is it eventually going to be my end?
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Stop!!! Think!!!! Speak!!! Trust!!!
Her being her own worst enemy, the one who destroys the good in her life.
The overthinker who reacts and expects the worst because well…. that’s what she has been shown all her life!!
Whenever she has had good in her life where she has broken down her walls, felt she can trust and felt happy and at peace, there has always been something to destroy it.
She has grown up to DEFEND, DEFEND,DEFEND, has had to do that since a very young age!!!! Now she defends when she doesn’t need to. When she needs to talk before defending, – she fears, when her thoughts go crazy – she fears. She hurts daily, wants to break down, to scream, to give up!!!
That is all she knows! How does she stop that? How does she learn to talk without fear when all her life she has been knocked down, shouted at, been made to feel small and unimportant when she has tried to talk.
She looses the words she has in her mind – if only she could say everything that runs through her mind, her emotions – they don’t want to get to her mouth so she can speak. All locked up inside driving her crazy, making her over think again and again and again. So much fear of fighting, of things going out of control when she talks, so she keeps quiet and lets it eat her up inside – she says nothing so then there will be peace – atleast peace in the outside world. As long as there is no fighting, as long as no-one is upset or unhappy she will keep quiet. After all, all she wants is for everyone to be happy and not feel the pain she feels, not letting others feel worthless like she does, not letting others question themselves like she does everyday.
All her life made to feel like either a show piece for all the men to use and abuse, or made to feel like nothing, like she doesn’t matter. Her feelings, her thoughts – nothing matters.
Grown up but, yet still caught up in that fear, that hurt, the memories that just wont go away, the words that cut like a knife – repeating over and over in her mind, the sad, terrifying events that she had to endure since she was a little girl playing over and over ,even though she is now all grown up but, still that little girl who had to DEFEND,DEFEND,DEFEND.
She has been broken so so many times that she doesn’t know how to trust that she can talk freely, that there is someone who will patiently wait for her to find her words, will let her say how she feels and know that she will be heard and understood without judgement, without assumptions, without fights, without her feeling like less of a person. Every time she has found the words and courage it has been destroyed making it feel like her feelings aren’t valid, making it more and more difficult and scared to open up.
She so so desperately needs to open up and talk but, how? Either the words don’t come at all or they come out wrong. After all the years of people showing her that how she feels is not valid and people treating her as they please, getting to their own egotistical assumptions. breaking her down, telling her she’s lying, imagining things. killing her spirit, hurting her in so many ways it’s indescribable. All the years that she has lost the words, she has lost her voice……
All she needs is that one person to sit patiently waiting for her to find her words, find her voice. That one person who will truly listen to what she is saying or atleast trying to say. That one person who will try understand her even when what she is trying to say doesn’t make sense or even sometimes contradicts, that one person who will put their ego aside and truly listen – her not being able to express herself drives her crazy, makes her want to scream. All she wants to do is open up and talk – a huge cry for help but, how does she do it??? HOW???
Stop!!! Think!!!! Speak!!! Trust!!!
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Always feeling like she is never good enough,alone,hurting all the time, feeling like a total failure.
Always going out of her way to make sure to put a smile on others faces. Letting them know they are special making sure they don’t hurt and feel like she does.
Yet always feeling like she isn’t really really seen. Seen for who she truly is,seen through her eyes to her soul. Always feeling like no-one truly cares about her.
Yet,she makes sure no-one will ever feel like she does. Life is short and everyone is special in their own way,she might not feel like that but atleast she can make sure others feel love,have hope, feel special.
She does her best to make sure no-one hurts,feels lost and alone. Trying to protect them from the darkness that comes so strong,that takes your soul
She knows to well how it feels,wishes she never knew that feeling but knowing if she didn’t she couldn’t truly help others. Sadly feeling like that all her life no matter what she tried or accomplished.
The only way to survive this terrible terrible feeling is by holding on to one more day to give someone else their smile back,to give them hope and show them they have purpose and are special in their own way.
Yes, she hurts deeply everyday,feels like she is alone and doesn’t belong anywhere,feeling like a failure all the time but atleast she can make sure they don’t. If she never did that she would not go on,there would be nothing for her to keep moving forward and carrying on with life.
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You are broken
Alone
Sad
Disconnected
Your life isn’t bad but,yet it still feels empty,feels like something or someone is missing.
You feel you’ve let so many people down. You are the disaster wherever you go. Your own family couldn’t care less.
How extremely heartbreaking it is to feel that you are totally alone even with family.
Not belonging in this world, feeling disconnected and out of place everywhere. Feeling like a failure even though you know you did your best. Feeling like you aren’t good enough,never have been and never will be.
Sooner or later those in your life will leave – be it their time in life or be it that they have decided to distance themselves from you – you end up alone.
I guess you come into this world alone and you go out alone so while you are living you need to try do ypur best in life.
The saddest and most heart breaking feeling is knowing that the person who passed away was the only one who truly cared.
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You say you are committed to me and have always been.
Sadly your actions then was not of a committed man. So no you haven’t always been! How do I know that this is for real? That you truly are committed to me now?
I gave you my heart, my soul, my life from the first time I said I love you! You gave me false promises, lies, betrayal and manipulation.
How do I know that you are truly not involved in any way with other women like you used to be? You led a double life for so long, how do I know you aren’t still doing that? You do it so well. You are a master manipulator.
Tell me….. how do I know this time is different? How do I know you will never betray my trust again, cheat on me again? How do I know you trully are finished with other women? How do I know I really am your only one?
The promises you made then when cheating and living the double life are the same promises you make now. The things you said then are the same now.
There was always the secret messages, sexting,secret meetings, etc while telling me I’m the only one. Making pinky promises of forever love and only me.
Have you changed as it seems, or is it more of your manipulation? More of your lies and false promises???
My Life,My Thoughts 