A deep yearning for what was…
Screaming echoes for things unknown…
In the void of past present and future
Echoes of voices,screams,laughter and wonder
Is what is to be a wonderous journey of the unseen,the unexplained and mysterious?
Tag: thoughts
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So I lost my Best friend on the 23rd of May 2024 the person I did everything with, grew up with. The emptiness and lonliness is unbearable!!
My lifelong friend. We had the same taste in everything. She was the serious one, me the silly one.
We always said we were born in the wrong era and country. Our taste, our ways and interests not for South Africa or this era. We always used to have a good laugh about that.
Now I have no-one to share all that with. How do I go forward without her, without our shared interests and ways?
We were together most days, when we weren’t we always chatted on whats app. Not a day went by without us chatting.
Yes, I have my husband, son and Dad so I know I am not totally alone but, there are times I need a friend, a confidant. She was my everything in terms of friendship, we were closer than any sisters I know. Closer than I am to my sister. Sisters not in blood but,heart and soul.
How do you move forward? How do you deal with the loss and hurt?
The Never ending loneliness even when there are people around.
Always an emptiness.
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I have not had any time for myself and self reflection.
Now a new year & here’s hoping I will be able to get my thoughts down. I really need it. As it is I feel like I’m on breaking point.
I’m trying my best not to let the sadness & darkness win,today it is a struggle. I’m drinking anti depressants but,it doesn’t feel like it is helping at all.
I am so extremely depressed I honestly don’t know anymore.
I’m so tired of people, all they do is lie & decieve. No-one seems to care about anyone but, themselves – their loved ones included!! People have become so selfish with no respect, no thought for others feelings and what their actions will do to another.
I have always said the human race is the most hateful race and I most definately still think so.
So much deciet, things being done behind a persons back, the lies that go with that. Then there’s the stupid mind & emotional games that are played everyday slowly destroying your soul, your essence.
What happened to respect for one another?
They say they love you but, how can they say that if they continuously decieve and lie, continuously do things they themselves wouldn’t want done to them. How is that love and respect? How can they expect to be trusted & respected?
Let me go into the forest, live between the animals and trees. No more hurt, deciet, lies!!!
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Who would have though I’d suffer from PTSD?
The years of abuse, lies and manipulation has officially taken it’s toll!
Yes, the experiences are over but, my mind keeps reminding me of them, shooting the pain and thoughts through my heat and soul over and over.
The times of total fear, needing to protect myself is so many ways. The never ending questions and lies. So so much destruction to my soul!!
I Sold things that held the memories in hopes that it would help me move forward, yet the anxiety, fear, hurt and brokenness keeps showing up just when I think it’s finally over and I can go forward.
The intrusive memories, the flashbacks, terrible nightmares. too much to bare, keeping me on a continous loop of anxiety and heartache, questions and tears.
Am I ever going to be able to relax and enjoy life and the people in my life who do truly care? Am I always going to go through this continous loop of brokenness, anxiety, questions and immense heartache?
Will it ever stop????? Screaming, searching for help, for peace for love.
Will it ever stop?? Will the sun ever truly shine and fill my soul with peace and love, knowing with certainty I don’t have to be anxious or protect myself anymore, being able to trust again without a doubt?
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You are broken
Alone
Sad
Disconnected
You’re life isn’t bad but,yet it still feels empty,feels like something or someone is missing.
You feel you’ve let so many people down. You are the disaster wherever you go. Your own family couldn’t care less.
How extremely heartbreaking it is to feel that you are totally alone even with family.
Not belonging in this world, feeling disconnected and out of place everywhere. Feeling like a failure even though you know you did your best. Feeling like you aren’t good enough,never have been and never will be.
Sooner or later those in your life will leave – be it their time in life or be it that they have decided to distance themselves from you – you end up alone.
I guess you come into this world alone and you go out alone so while you are living you need to try be alone.
The saddest and most heart breaking feeling is knowing that the person who passed away was the only one who truly cared.
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A thousand ants running in her stomach
A rock on her chest,slow heavy breathing
Drums in her heart beating harder…. Harder….. faster….. Faster….
A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. spinning….
Is this genuine? Is this real??
Is this a fairytale with a happily ever after or a heartbreak story?
Her mind going back and forth, thinking, doubting, fear, heartbreak, anger, betrayal, immense love, happy, contentment……
What to believe? Is she fooling herself? Can she really once in her life believe that everything is genuine,honest with no more betrayal,heartache,fears, tears,no more lies and secrets?
Can she truly put her guard down and do one of the most important things in her life? Can she truly trust again?
Is it truly the life of renewel, openness,honesty,love,loyalty and devotion? A life that beats any happily ever after fairytale??
A thousand ants running in her stomach
A rock on her chest slow heavy breathing
A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. Spinning ….
Drums beating in her heart hard,faster…. Faster…..
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You say you are committed to me and have always been.
Sadly your actions then was not of a committed man. So no you haven’t always been! How do I know that this is for real? That you truly are committed to me now?
I gave you my heart, my soul, my life from the first time I said I love you! You gave me false promises, lies, betrayal and manipulation.
How do I know that you are truly not involved in any way with other women like you used to be? You led a double life for so long, how do I know you aren’t still doing that? You do it so well. You are a master manipulator.
Tell me….. how do I know this time is different? How do I know you will never betray my trust again, cheat on me again? How do I know you trully are finished with other women? How do I know I really am your only one?
The promises you made then when cheating and living the double life are the same promises you make now. The things you said then are the same now.
There was always the secret messages, sexting,secret meetings, etc while telling me I’m the only one. Making pinky promises of forever love and only me.
Have you changed as it seems, or is it more of your manipulation? More of your lies and false promises???
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Thoughts pounding in my mind
BANG….. BANG…… BANG…..
Imagery clear as a summer’s day!
Betrayal….. BOOM…..
Lies…… BANG….
Flirting….. CLANG…..
Secrets, hidden messages……. CLASH….. BOOM ….. BANG…. CLANG……
Promises broken, shattered, shimmering in a pool of tears.
Heart crushed, barely pounding….. bleeding, bleeding eternally
Soul destroying, never to rise, never to heal…..
Why…… why….. why…….
No more trust, no more laughter, no more love…….
Cruel, cruel cruel……
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Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts and feelings down. This time of year is so extremely busy but, also such an emotional time for me for so so many reasons.
So this year I’m trying to let go of incredible hurt from betrayal from so many people. Heart broken from loosing my mom and it being my second Christmas without her. My boyfriend doing the biggest betrayal of all last year this time – having an affair that was going on for months. The one person I thought I could trust with my heart, my life. For the last few weeks I have been in tears more than not. I feel hurt and empty.
I feel like I’m going to explode!! How do you let go of these awful, awful memories and feelings? How do you enjoy this time of year again? I so badly want to get the joy and excitement of this time of year back, but I don’t know how. It feels like I’m still going through everything, not that it happened a year ago.
My emotions, the Incredible pain in my heart, the thoughts – all feel so raw and it’s slowly killing me inside. Will I ever be able to move forward from this immense pain? Will I ever beable to move forward from the disrespect, dishonesty and betrayal???
Help!!! I need to move forward!!!
Forgive and forget is easier said than done. Forgive yes,forget no, especially when you still feel the emotions so deeply whether you want to or not.
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People are so fake. So sneaky,so unreal!! What happened to all the genuine people?
At my age I’ve seen and endured more than enough heartache and emotional games. People are just out there for themselves and don’t care who they hurt and disrespect. Then you try do what they do to show them what their actions cause and you are the disrespectful one. Never mind what they do.
The people I have in my life are people I want in my life. Life is fleeting and I’ve decided that either they are with me 100% and give me the same loyalty and respect I give them or I don’t want them in my life.
I don’t know how long I still have in this lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to share my life with halfassed people who are not genuine. Half-assed people who are different in front of me than when I’m not around.
People are cruel to each other and play games in all aspects. Not caring who they are hurting and disrespecting, not caring that the hurt they cause destroys the person they are hurting and disrespecting.
Well, life is there to enjoy and be happy. I’ve fought enough, since I was very young I have fought for myself. Fought to try keep safe, fought to be a survivor and not a victim, fought not to give in to the darkness. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with that one genuine person who will love me as I deserve. Will see me and only me. Will need me and only me sexually, emotionally and mentally. Will only want me.
Sadly I know how I am feeling others feel as well. Thx to social media ppl play more games emotionally, sexually and mentally than ever before!! Ppl can lie so so much and so easily about themselves and live double lives.
If people can’t be real and genuine then they can move on. Every single person in my life is someone I hold dear and want in my life but, I’m not tolerating the double standards, double life, lies, deceit and games anymore – I deserve better!! I deserve ppl in my life who treat me like I treat them – with respect, loyalty and truth.
Respect, loyalty, truth are things I hold very highly and deserve.
My Life,My Thoughts 