thoughts – My Life,My Thoughts

Nervous …

A thousand ants running in her stomach

A rock on her chest,slow heavy breathing

Drums in her heart beating harder…. Harder….. faster….. Faster….

A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. spinning….

Is this genuine? Is this real??

Is this a fairytale with a happily ever after or a heartbreak story?

Her mind going back and forth,thinking,doubting,fear,heartbreak,anger,betrayal,immense love,happy, contentment……

What to believe? Is she fooling herself? Can she really once in her life believe that everything is genuine,honest with no more betrayal,heartache,fears, tears,no more lies and secrets?

Can she truly put her guard down and do one of the most important things in her life? Can she truly trust again?

Is it truly the life of renewel, openness,honesty,love,loyalty and devotion? A life that beats any happily ever after fairytale??

A thousand ants running in her stomach

A rock on her chest slow heavy breathing

A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. Spinning ….

Drums beating in her heart hard,faster…. Faster…..

A lover’s heartache

You say you are committed to me and have always been.

Sadly your actions then was not of a committed man. So no you haven’t always been! How do I know that this is for real? That you truly are committed to me now?

I gave you my heart, my soul, my life from the first time I said I love you! You gave me false promises, lies, betrayal and manipulation.

How do I know that you are truly not involved in any way with other women like you used to be? You led a double life for so long, how do I know you aren’t still doing that? You do it so well. You are a master manipulator.

Tell me….. how do I know this time is different? How do I know you will never betray my trust again, cheat on me again? How do I know you trully are finished with other women? How do I know I really am your only one?

The promises you made then when cheating and living the double life are the same promises you make now. The things you said then are the same now.

There was always the secret messages, sexting,secret meetings, etc while telling me I’m the only one. Making pinky promises of forever love and only me.

Have you changed as it seems, or is it more of your manipulation? More of your lies and false promises???

Betrayed….

Thoughts pounding in my mind

BANG….. BANG…… BANG…..

Imagery clear as a summer’s day!

Betrayal….. BOOM…..

Lies…… BANG….

Flirting….. CLANG…..

Secrets, hidden messages……. CLASH….. BOOM ….. BANG…. CLANG……

Promises broken, shattered, shimmering in a pool of tears.

Heart crushed, barely pounding….. bleeding, bleeding eternally

Soul destroying, never to rise, never to heal…..

Why…… why….. why…….

No more trust, no more laughter, no more love…….

Cruel, cruel cruel……

Immense hurt, streaming tears….

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts and feelings down. This time of year is so extremely busy but, also such an emotional time for me for so so many reasons.

So this year I’m trying to let go of incredible hurt from betrayal from so many people. Heart broken from loosing my mom and it being my second Christmas without her. My boyfriend doing the biggest betrayal of all last year this time – having an affair that was going on for months. The one person I thought I could trust with my heart, my life. For the last few weeks I have been in tears more than not. I feel hurt and empty.

I feel like I’m going to explode!! How do you let go of these awful, awful memories and feelings? How do you enjoy this time of year again? I so badly want to get the joy and excitement of this time of year back, but I don’t know how. It feels like I’m still going through everything, not that it happened a year ago.

My emotions, the Incredible pain in my heart, the thoughts – all feel so raw and it’s slowly killing me inside. Will I ever be able to move forward from this immense pain? Will I ever beable to move forward from the disrespect, dishonesty and betrayal???

Help!!! I need to move forward!!!

Forgive and forget is easier said than done. Forgive yes,forget no, especially when you still feel the emotions so deeply whether you want to or not.

At this point in my life…

People are so fake. So sneaky,so unreal!! What happened to all the genuine people?

At my age I’ve seen and endured more than enough heartache and emotional games. People are just out there for themselves and don’t care who they hurt and disrespect. Then you try do what they do to show them what their actions cause and you are the disrespectful one. Never mind what they do.

The people I have in my life are people I want in my life. Life is fleeting and I’ve decided that either they are with me 100% and give me the same loyalty and respect I give them or I don’t want them in my life.

I don’t know how long I still have in this lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to share my life with halfassed people who are not genuine. Half-assed people who are different in front of me than when I’m not around.

People are cruel to each other and play games in all aspects. Not caring who they are hurting and disrespecting, not caring that the hurt they cause destroys the person they are hurting and disrespecting.

Well, life is there to enjoy and be happy. I’ve fought enough, since I was very young I have fought for myself. Fought to try keep safe, fought to be a survivor and not a victim, fought not to give in to the darkness. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with that one genuine person who will love me as I deserve. Will see me and only me. Will need me and only me sexually, emotionally and mentally. Will only want me.

Sadly I know how I am feeling others feel as well. Thx to social media ppl play more games emotionally, sexually and mentally than ever before!! Ppl can lie so so much and so easily about themselves and live double lives.

If people can’t be real and genuine then they can move on. Every single person in my life is someone I hold dear and want in my life but, I’m not tolerating the double standards, double life, lies, deceit and games anymore – I deserve better!! I deserve ppl in my life who treat me like I treat them – with respect, loyalty and truth.

Respect, loyalty, truth are things I hold very highly and deserve.

Disconnected

Watching everyone but, not seeing…

Listening but not hearing….

Talking but, sounding miles away…

Music playing but, seems to be echoing…

Laughter all around but, no laughter inside of you….

Things said echoing over and over in your mind.

Everything like a movie running slowly over and over. Moments good and bad, happy and sad running and running over and over, sloooowly, echoing…..

This disconnection, feeling like you aren’t in reality. Feeling like your life is a dream and your body is light, floating all around, watching from a distance. Everything an echo…

Running, running away far far away into the forest peaceful and calm. The mountain keeping me safe giving its beauty. The lake running full of life showing me its life source. Such peace, such calm.