Trauma – My Life,My Thoughts

A lover’s heartache

You say you are committed to me and have always been.

Sadly your actions then was not of a committed man. So no you haven’t always been! How do I know that this is for real? That you truly are committed to me now?

I gave you my heart, my soul, my life from the first time I said I love you! You gave me false promises, lies, betrayal and manipulation.

How do I know that you are truly not involved in any way with other women like you used to be? You led a double life for so long, how do I know you aren’t still doing that? You do it so well. You are a master manipulator.

Tell me….. how do I know this time is different? How do I know you will never betray my trust again, cheat on me again? How do I know you trully are finished with other women? How do I know I really am your only one?

The promises you made then when cheating and living the double life are the same promises you make now. The things you said then are the same now.

There was always the secret messages, sexting,secret meetings, etc while telling me I’m the only one. Making pinky promises of forever love and only me.

Have you changed as it seems, or is it more of your manipulation? More of your lies and false promises???

Story of a girl….

She was born beautiful and innocent

She was broken and destroyed into tiny, tiny pieces – her heart, body, mind and soul….

She was left alone to sweep the tiny, tiny pieces of her heart, body, mind & soul slowly, timeously back together.

To bring her soul back, to heal her heart, to cleanse her mind and renew her body….

She stood alone in the beginning, stands alone in her turmoil & fights. She stands alone to fight against all that was done to her…..

She is a warrior, her own warrior. She will prevail. She stands in her own power.

She is Unique. She is Powerful. She is Glorious and Wonderous!!!

She is all that and more!!

Immense hurt, streaming tears….

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts and feelings down. This time of year is so extremely busy but, also such an emotional time for me for so so many reasons.

So this year I’m trying to let go of incredible hurt from betrayal from so many people. Heart broken from loosing my mom and it being my second Christmas without her. My boyfriend doing the biggest betrayal of all last year this time – having an affair that was going on for months. The one person I thought I could trust with my heart, my life. For the last few weeks I have been in tears more than not. I feel hurt and empty.

I feel like I’m going to explode!! How do you let go of these awful, awful memories and feelings? How do you enjoy this time of year again? I so badly want to get the joy and excitement of this time of year back, but I don’t know how. It feels like I’m still going through everything, not that it happened a year ago.

My emotions, the Incredible pain in my heart, the thoughts – all feel so raw and it’s slowly killing me inside. Will I ever be able to move forward from this immense pain? Will I ever beable to move forward from the disrespect, dishonesty and betrayal???

Help!!! I need to move forward!!!

Forgive and forget is easier said than done. Forgive yes,forget no, especially when you still feel the emotions so deeply whether you want to or not.

An awakening

Today I realized how much my past abuse still affects my life.

Roll back many years – after leaving one more abusive relationship you promise yourself never again!! You stay single for many years to break the cycle of abuse and to work through the trauma. When you left the last relationship you told yourself no more abuse, no more fear, no more being the victim – you are a survivor not a victim you will overcome the nightmares and fear.

Now – years and years later you get involved in a relationship with an incredible man who loves you,supports you, takes care of you, and will never hurt you in any way.

Unfortunately today we ended up fighting because of an innocent thing that happened. Why? Because I felt humiliated, I felt I needed to defend myself unnecessarily and got upset. He did not have any bad intentions, on the contrary he was trying to avoid a bad situation.

After we spoke I realized that my trauma from my years of abuse is still there. Subconsciously I still feel I need to protect myself and defend myself. I never could when going through the abuse. I was always belittled, made to shut up and do as he wanted, been hurt and attacked in so many ways.

Yes I’m a survivor but it seems the trauma will always be there. I now see that I never worked through it properly. I need to get to the point of realizing I don’t always need to protect myself and defend myself, not everyone is there to hurt and abuse and belittle.

So my next journey begins. How to make sure the past does not destroy this incredible relationship.