In her deep dark pit
Peace evading her
Waterfall of tears
Achig heart
Shattered dreams
Racing mind
Snakes in her stomach
How
Where
Why
Soul crushing
Perfecting her masqurade
Masks fooling everyone
In her deep dark pit
Silence
Smothering darkness
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Her heartache consuming her,
He doesn’t see
She’s gone quiet,
He doesn’t notice
She’s lost her joy,
He says smile
She’s tries to share how she feels,
He fights,lies and manipulates – his ego always in the way.
Always feeling like he must defend himself.
Never once has she tried to talk to attack him, she needed to let him know how she feels.
She needed open and honest communication.
He killed that with not actually listening,just defending himself, fighting and turning it on her, making her feel guilty when she shouldn’t, when it wasn’t about him it was about her, her feelings,her thoughts.
She feels she never gets heard – really heard,so the feelings are still there – not communicated openly, lovingly and honestly, leaving her feeling worse than when she started to try to communicate.
She can’t anymore, everytime she trys to talk,she breaks down
He gets frustrated because she is emotional,of course she is emotional!
She no longer feels safe to communicate.
She has shut down,
He doesn’t see, carries on as if everything is fine
She keeps giving him chances to be honest
He keeps hiding things and lying.
She has lost her fight
Lost her will
Lost her voice.
She lives on automatic, doing what needs to be done.
She’s crys everytime she is alone,
Her heartache indescribable, feeling betrayed & disrespected once again.
He’s big on honesty and respect but, yet he doesn’t live that way towards her.
Why?
With every lie he thinks she believes, every manipulation, everything hidden from her, everytime he doesn’t listen to what she asks or says and does his own thing, shows her so much disrespect, makes her feel betrayed, makes her feel her feelings don’t matter!
Heartache killing her slowly inside.
How does he not see any of it?
He says he loves her and she is his everything, his world, his life.
Why then does he do the things he knows will cause him to loose her?Things he knows will cause her pain.
All she asks is respect, no lies, no hiding things – openness and honesty. – communication, proper communication.
After all, that is what they promised each other.
Not once considering her feelings,
Not once thinking what his actions will do to her.
She carries on breaking,
Crying
Keeping quiet, not able to find her voice, her fight anymore.
He continues to snap at her,even when she is concerned and trys to talk to him and support him.
He doesn’t turn to her, even though he knows he can, even though she tries to be there for him and support him.
She’s afraid to say anything, to do anything for fear of his temper, his continuous shouting.
Everytime he raises his voice at her, he breaks her further.
He doesn’t talk to her, keeps everything separate.
No normal conversation over anything, it’s always about how much they love each other and sex.
She feels so so alone.
They are married but, she feels like she’s on the side line. She doesn’t feel like she is part of his life, only the parts he chooses.
They got married to share everything in life – everything!
Their worries, their stresses, their dreams, their thoughts, their emotions – everything in their lives but yet he keeps it from her – keeps them separate.
The things he does makes it look like there’s still a part of him that doesn’t want to share life with her, be as one. The way they promised.
She feels like she is only good enough for certain things,for when, how and what he chooses.
She’s not allowed to touch his things, but yet he is free to anything after all they are married, isn’t that how it should be?
It’s not me and her,it’s US!
Well,it should be.
Why get married if everything is still separate, feeling like on most things they live separate lives?
He has ADHD and has had a hard life,she understands the moods,short temper and frustration are part of it, so she tries to not let it get to her everytime.
She can live with his sudden outburts of frustration and loud voice knowing it is part of it.
She can’t accept his lies,hiding things and manipulation. He knows he is doing wrong,why else would he hide things, lie and manipulate?
What happened to their promises, to sharing life, to being one, to enjoying life together?
She no longer feels like she can be open with him
She no longer feels her emotions and her heart are safe.
He totally changed his life and bad ways when he decided to marry her, realizing if he carried on like he used to he would loose her.
He has come so far – did so amazingly!
She continues to tell him how proud she is of him.
She continously shows she’s there for him,shows him he can trust her no matter what.
So why is he doing this now?
They have been married for nearly three years.
Why would he do that after all his hard work?
He was doing so well,why start all that?
Why to her?
She honestly thought she would be the last person he would do it to.
He is killing her trust
Killing her dreams
Killing her slowly
She was and is willing to do whatever is needed to keep their marriage alive.
Anything to keep their love strong,
keep their bond strong
He is doing things that is slowly destroying the amazing bond they had, slowly killing their marriage.
She loves him more than life,will love him to death and beyond but,will that be enough to stay?
When will love not be enough?
When will he break her for the last time and she will have to walk away even though she loves him?
How does he not realize that when she asks something, she already knows the answer and gives him chances for him to be honest and open as they promised, sadly eveytime she has done that he has lied to her and kept things from her.
WHY???
There is no doubt he loves her and needs her, everyone can see that so why does he do it?
Surely in a marriage your ego should be the last thing to worry about
The important thing is him and her working through everything together no matter what – that’s marriage.
They are really struggling and going through really hard times yet he keeps her in the dark
Rather continues to do things behind her back, lie and manipulate.
Your marraige – your partner should Always be the person who comes first.
The person who’s feelings matter the most.
The person who you turn to.
The one person who should never have to feel like a fool, never feel betrayed.
The one person you can be open and honest with no matter what.
She is slowly giving up.
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Why does he continue to lie and manipulate her?
Continue to do things behind her back,knowing it would hurt her?
Why – when they are supposed to be best friends,lovers,eternal partners?
Doing things he knows is wrong, things he knows will destroy everything and he could loose her,loose it all so he lies and manipulates her.
Not sure how long loving him will be enough.
She married him knowing his flaws,knowing what he does,making her feel that it’s on her as much as on him.
How long will their love be strong enough to endure all this?
She can’t take the lies and manipulation anymore.
She has been willing to go through anything with him,no matter what but,this breaking of trust,this show of disrespect is slowly killing her inside.
Her believing that she would be the last person he would do it to,they promised each other love,respect,honesty and loyalty when they got married but, he has destroyed that.
Why?
She sits alone and cries,feeling like she’s dying.
She no longer has the strength for confrontation and fighting, so she just carries on trying to hold on, her depression eating her up
He doesn’t even notice,doesn’t see how much she’s hurting,how long last she actually had any joy.
Her happiness has been taken over by immense heartache,the one person she thought she could trust has shown her no matter who it is,there is no such thing as trust and honesty.
Sadly people are all about themselves, life has changed so much. Everyone is in it for themselves,as long as they get what they want they don’t think or don’t care what their actions do to others. She truly thought he would be different.
There is no doubt he loves her, then why does he continue to do things behind her back and lie and manipulate her?
He doesn’t see things as she does,she’s emotional he is practical.
He struggles to add emotion to things and situations unless it directly effects him. She feels emotion deeply, holds on to objects that have memories, he doesn’t understand. To him objects are just objects,not understanding the emotional connections she has to certain objects.
She feels emotions extremely deeply, be it her own or others. Wishing she didn’t,wishing she could be hard. Wishing she could find her joy,her fight again.
Missing the person she was years ago – full of energy, enjoyed life, found excitement in life and pure joy in living.
The Life that she wanted,that she dreamed of is gone. Now she just goes through the days as she must. Accepting defeat,sad and alone knowing that she will never have the life she dreamt of,the life she deserves.
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Dreams shattered
Dark clouds
Heartache clinging
Memories is all that’s left
Her dreams gone,her joy an ancient memory.
Surviving is all she can do
No more dreaming,no more hope
All gone into the abyss
Wearing a mask to avoid “What’s wrong?” Not wanting to say anything.
No-one really cares
No-one sees the heartache,pain, lost hope and dreams in her eyes.
Wearing her mask well
Alone,feeling like she’s dying
Tears streaming down her face everytime she’s alone
The incredible heartache consuming her
Dreams shattered
Dark clouds
Heartache clinging
Her dreams gone,her joy an ancient memory.
Until she is no more
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I’m sitting here trying to put my thoughts & feelings into words
Life is so mysterious, full of trials – one after the other.
Showing you how strong you are, always stronger than you think.
Hard times making you make the decision to fight and hold on everyday
Emotionally exhausted,depression closing in.
Everytime thinking things are moving forward & working out, there’s a big bang of No,not now!
I live by the saying – “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”
How difficult it has become to hold on and keep trying to move forward.
Needing to say “THIS TOO SHALL PASS” over and over to myself so not to give up.
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Shining bright smiling sun
Small raindrops dancing down to the ground
Sweet grass,earth and flowers wafting through the air filing her senses with peace
Huge gleeming moon shining her way
Silver dancing stars thoughout the sky
Day and night turning to the universe, to mother earth to keep her sane
Fogetting all her pains, all her worries, all her heartache
Mother earth filling her with miracles and wonder overtaking all the darkness
The chaos, broken dreams and heartache hiding in a deep deep pit just for now just for a bit
My Life,My Thoughts 