My Heart,My Soul….

Lying next to him hearing him breathing & watching him sleep so soundly I hold my breathe not wanting to wake him. Taking in every little breathe he takes, taking in his secnt, taking in his beauty! He has the most special soul, a bright,shining soul that consumes you. His aura shines brightly calling to my soul even in his sleep.

I am in awe!! He is the love of my life! My pillar of strength. My supernova!

He carry’s me when I want to give up. He brings me out of my darkness with his bright,loving aura & his incredible soul. He calls to my heart, my soul with so much strength,light & immeasurable love. He is the rarest of rare gems.

He is the miracle I needed at the deepest,lowest,darkest days of my life. The only man to truly show me love,care & support. He is my every heart beat,every breath I take,every thought,every smile. My protector,my friend,my lover,my all. Our unbreakable bond keeps me going. Our love a story to be told. A special, unexpected, rare gem of a story.

Never thought it possible to meet & share my life with such an incredible, incredible soul. I feel so incredibly blessed. Just over a year with him & I can’t imagine my life without him. We complete each other. I have my Angel!!

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DAYS OF AN OVERTHINKER……

The beautiful, intense sun is rising, bringing in its beautiful light to take away the darkness. Slowly rising from your slumber, hearing the birds at play outside,smelling the sweet flowers.

You stretch and get your mind ready for the day. Another day of fighting for sanity another day of stress,worries,overthinking & anxiety. Another day to try fight the thoughts and emotions you know don’t help you.

Scenario after scenario. Driving yourself crazy,spinning in circles. Emotions high then low all because your thoughts take you to places of fear & anxiety.

Why?? What??? What if??? It happened before, beware – Protect yourself!! Free yourself!! Keep calm – heart is racing as if you’re running a marathon. People lie and play games don’t trust – Trust – people aren’t all the same. You are incredible – No I’m a wreck. You are always there for everyone – no-one cares about you. He loves you – No he doesn’t. You are all he wants and needs – No not possible,why would you be,how could you be??

Thoughts back and forth with yourself and your emotions. A continous fight not to give in to the negativity, fear and anxiety. Continuously fighting with yourself knowing that a lot of it is unnecessary and a product of your past of a life and circumstances you were forced into all your life. As an adult now struggling daily.

The moon rises,sun goes down and with it the struggles of the day. Take a shower,let the water wash away your fears,worries and anxiety. Cuddle next to the love of your life,your safe place,the only way to be able to sleep is in his warm loving arms engulfing me. Just for a few hours everything’s perfect,the thoughts are calm. He gives me the calm and love needed so badly. Giving me the strength I need to go on for another day.

Thoughts…..

Today my heart is breaking….

You see I am 47 and in a relationship for just over a year with a 21 year old. We love each other dearly but, seem to both be so emotionally invested in each other that we have these blow up fights over unnecessary things.

Why do you hurt the people you love? Why say hurtful things when you are angry that hurt deeply and can’t be forgotten? Unfortunately we both sit with this thing of we aren’t good enough for the other. I feel like all I do is say and do the wrong things and he in turn feels the same way. It’s really ridiculous!!

I’m an over Thinker unfortunately and that causes so much problems – how do I stop that? I know that everything happens when and if it should. I truly believe that, but my mind pushes me to levels that are unnecessary.

Him being young,extremely good looking with a body to die for who can have any women he wants, makes me feel insecure. How does a 47 year old woman whose body isn’t great anymore compete with the young girls with amazing bodies etc? Maybe compete is the wrong word I don’t know. I know that sounds stupid and he has told me many times it’s me he wants.

How do I stop this over thinking krap? How do I trust our hearts and relationship without thinking up stupid scenarios of him meeting someone else,etc? I know all relationships have issues similar to this but,this over thinking krap is tooo much for me and him. I do believe what is meant to happen will happen and no matter what you do whatever is meant to happen will happen at the time it’s meant to, our relationship is proof of that.

I always said I would never have a relationship with someone more than a few years younger than me but, the chemistry and instant bond we have had from the beginning is something I’ve never experienced before. Our relationship just happened, randomly happened and is the best thing that could have happened to me. We got together in weird circumstances, which should actally make me feel incredible but,sadly it doesn’t because of my stupid over thinking. I feel extremely blessed and extremely lucky to have him in my life,I really do. So why am I doing this???

On the one hand I’m anxious and over thinking the scenarios of him meeting someone else where his mind and emotions are with them instead of me and our relationship, and I end up losing him and on the other hand I believe our love can pull us through anything. We have been through so much and both of us could have left but,we keep choosing each other and staying together to work through everything. I believe in him and in our love and relationship but my Damn mind!!!!

The thing is the love I feel for him is soul consuming. I know for a fact he is my true love!!! He is my all!! He makes me feel incredible,beautiful, sexy and loved. He makes me see myself differently. He is more of a man than any man I have ever met!! He treats me with the kind of love and support I’ve never experienced before. He has supported me in my darkest days and stood by me when no-one else did. The scary thing is that he has the power to totally destroy me because he has much of me. He has all my heart and soul!

Please someone help me to stop over thinking,I’m destroying the most precious, incredible thing in my life because of it.

Today’s people.

People…..

What has happened to people? It seems the world has gone insane!! What happened to people being open & honest? What happened to LOYALTY? People don’t care how they treat others. People lie,keep secrets,betray. Which in turn kills the trust & unfortunately the people you betray get hurt so much that they struggle to trust & let peole in again causing a ripple effect of more people playing games, hurting others & themselves. Why this selfishness? Why the hatred towards your fellow man? Why the cheating & games? Why the lies,secrets & betrayal when everyone knows lies & secrets Always,Always come out!

I don’t have many people in my life because of the betrayal, heartbreak,emotional,mental & physical abuse I’ve endured. I try to choose wisely but, unfortunately I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt which most of the time has taught me I shouldn’t. I need to seriously listen to my intuition because it has never be wrong but, I always give people a chance to come clean & make right but,in turn I get terribly hurt because most of the time they don’t do it themselves & that hurts more than them actually coming clean on their own!!

I am now trying very hard to get my walls up again & not trust like I used to. Why is it the good people are always the ones that get hurt & betrayed? Why can’t people just be true to themselves & others? Be genuine is all I ask.

When I love, I love with all that I am.” I love you” are extremely important & precious words that should NEVER be used if that is not what you truly feel. I will Never say that if I don’t truly mean it. Unfortunately people use it to get their way even if it means hurting others in the process.

Promises – people don’t make promises if you don’t truly mean them. If you make a promise you need to stick to it. So many people make promises & continously break them destroying the people you are making the promises to & breaking them.

Why is it that people cheat on partners who do anything for them,live for them & give them their all? If you’re in a relationship, the opposite sex should not be in your life at all!, be it social media or private. The betrayal of having the opposite sex in your life & the secret messages which are kept secret because apparently they don’t want to cause problems – well NONE of that should be happening at all!! If you are keeping it secret then you know it’s wrong so why do it?? If you need the opposite sex so much then rather be single and you can have as many as you want anytime,don’t get into a relationship where your partner gives their all & you aren’t willing to give it back. What you expect from your partner is exactly what you should be doing!

The excuse it’s just social media also doesn’t work as it’s still life & opening unnecessary doors. The chatting & social media likes,etc,exchanging numbers & chatting privately,etc are all Huge No-nos – all keeping the door to temptation open & giving those people hope & in turn hurting the one person who loves you more than words could explain & would do everything & anything for you. Who will stand by you through think & thin – no matter what!! Is having the opposite sex so important that you are taking a chance to loose the greatest love you will ever have??? Why,why are you giving your number out to the opposite sex?? Why??? If you’re in a relationship you most Definitely should not be giving your number at all!!!! Giving your number is an invitation to the opposite sex & giving them hope of something happening that is why people exchange numbers. Seriously!!! You should immediately let people know you are in a committed relationship!! People don’t exchange numbers just because, there is hope there of something further. People don’t ask about your relationship status if they aren’t interested & hoping.

People please think!!! All your actions have consequences for you & the people involved. Think of what is important,is what you want to do or what you are doing worth it?? Carry on with deceit,lies,secrets,hatred,using people,hurting people you will end up loosing in the end…. be it your relationship or friendship – YOU will loose & know that Karma is real & karma will give you what you have handed out 3 x fold. I’ve seen karma at work & believe me its not nice!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Love the way you’d want to be loved.

Love like it’s your last day.

Never leave each other or go sleep angry.

Once you fight over something don’t bring it up again. The fight is done and subject over. If you keep bringing past things up it destroys your bond,destroys what you share.

Treasure each other,each day, every second. Life is fleeting,you never know when you won’t see your loved ones again. You never know when it’s your last moment together.

Contemplating……

Tired,alone,crying,contemplating….

Today I am full of tears, heartsore, stressed,full of thoughts and contemplation.

I’m deeply in love with a much younger man. He is my world. We have been together for just over a year. Living together as well.

Unfortunately it has not been easy. Our relationship has been one that has gone through many trials and turmoil that it amazes me we are still together. Loosing him would kill me inside but I sit here tonight contemplating whether I shouldn’t just let him go. Am I being unfair to him by keeping him with me?

We are going through so much worry and stress that I’m thinking I should let him go so he can have live a life with less worry and all the partying & girls he wants.

When I try talking to him about the girls, he gets angry and won’t listen to what I need to say. Thinking that I’m jealous – no its not jealousy, it’s insecurity. I’m a women, I know how girl’s minds and emotions work. No matter how old or young or what generation you are from. Woman/girls all work the same way emotionally and mentally. He uses my age as a reason to say I don’t understand but, little does he realise what the girls are doing now,girls did when I was younger and when my folks were younger and so on. They aren’t doing anything new or different. I can’t talk to him as it always ends in a fight. Before he cheated I trusted him with my life, I believed we were happy, I trusted him with the girls, truly believing he would never cheat on me, trusting him 100%, but, then it happened & now I question how I’m feeilng, I question everything. It destroyed everything I believed.

He changed so so much after the cheating that he is the most incredible man now and I can see he is trying. I can see he wants to be with me and loves me. He takes note of everything, the smallest things I say which is so incredibly special & means so much to me. He is so loving and caring and treats me so well. He says he loves me and only me. He says he’s happy with me and wants no-one else. Then why do I feel like this? Why??? I honestly don’t understand!! Why???

I truly love him, I really do. I honestly know he is the love of my life without a doubt. Is that enough reason to stay with him? Is it fair of me to keep him in this relationship when he is still young? Should I let him go and let him live a life without me so he can carry on with as many girls as he likes when and how he wants, go out drinking & go crazy? Should I let him go so he can live with his family and not have to worry about the financial issues & things we are dealing with??

He is my everything,he has my all!! He is my world,my life. The love I feel for him is overwhelming,so deep I never imagined anything like it. After a year I still miss him when we are apart even for a short time and can’t wait to see him. We have a couple’s tattoo of puzzle pieces where my puzzle piece comes out of him. It was chosen because he said I’m his missing piece he’s always had. We are complete together and that is truly how I feel.

So here I am sitting with my tears,emotions and thoughts……

Flashback…..

Just got a Horrible flashback,my heart sunk to my toes and I’m fighting to keep the tears at bay.

How the hell do you move forward when your mind plays those tricks on you?? It feels like it just happened.

It happened months ago,I’m still struggling with it and just when I think I’m doing good something hits me from that time and I feel like I’m right there again.

I honestly wish there was no such thing as cheating and stupid emotional and mind games!!! All it does is destroy!!!!

Do you ever truly get over it? Will it ever stop hurting? Will you ever beable to stop wondering and questioning. Will you ever have peace and be content again????

Scammed

So I was scammed of R7000. How can people be so heartless? I already struggling to make ends meets every month. What the hell!!!

How do these people do this? We work damn hard for the money we have!! They just sit behind their desks and scam people all day,every day. How does it not bother them that they are leaving people in serious situations. Already struggling to make ends meet and then they take the money and make it impossible.

They are getting rich and not caring.

I believe In Karma and know that they will have their day!

My rant for the day!

Exhausted Emotionally & Mentally…..

After a sleepless night I’ve been in tears most of the day. Life has brought me down again. I’m emotionally and mentally tired. So tired of lies,deceit,fighting,issues,etc etc….

This morning I cried all the way to work and thought of driving my car off a bridge. Thinking that if I wasn’t here Maybe, just maybe life would be easier for others. Thinking maybe, just maybe I would have peace,no more anxiety,worry and fear. Honestly what stopped me was a very thoughtful voice message from the love of my life.

How much can one person take? Why has the world become so cruel? People are so despicable!!! I don’t belong in this era,in this dimension. I feel everyone’s emotions while feeling and trying to deal with my own. This world is not for someone like me. This world is definitely not for empaths.

People are selfish and angry. They are just out to see how many games they can play with others life’s and emotions. No thought for the repercussions. No thought for how the emotional and mental games destroy. Not thinking of the hurt they cause.

People who scam others out of they hard earned money need to be hung at the stake!!! How do they live with themselves knowing they are taking someone’s hard earned money which actually barely helps them through the month?

How do you find joy in taking others dignity away from them? How do you live with yourself knowing you are mentally and emotionally killing someone who will never beable to have a real happy,content life?

How do people hurt animals,babies, children,and the elderly? Why? What joy is there in harming someone who can’t defend for themselves? Why do ppl abuse others – sexually,mentally and physically?? Why destroy others? Why????

Another thing that really gets to me is people that cheat. Why? If you don’t want to commit and be faithful then don’t get into a relationship!! It’s as simple as that!!! Why have a relationship and give your partner hope and get them loving you and giving you their all then you go and find someone else? Stay single if you need the opposite sex so much!! Cheating destroys your partner so deeply especially when that person I totally devoted and committed to you. The immense hurt it creates is something that runs extremely deep. It causes them to question their worth,causes them to question everything. Causes anxiety,over thinking and so so much heartache. Cheating is not just a sexual thing,cheating is an emotional and mental thing as well. You should not need the opposite sex for any reason at all if you are truly in love with your partner and committed, the opposite sex shouldn’t even be a thought.

I truly wish people would think before they do, especially when others are involved and their hearts are involved.

Enough ranting for today. I’m beyond exhausted emotionally and mentally. I wish people would start treating each other as they want to be treated and the world would be a better place. Life would be so much better.

Mixed emotions

So today I have loads of mixed emotions.

My Dad and I are on our way to spend the weekend with my son who is in rehab. My emotions are all over the place!

He has 8 weeks left of his year program but,is begging us to let him come home.

I miss him terribly and hate that he is so far away but,this is something that is so Important. I pray that he has learnt and won’t ever go back on drugs again. My heart breaks for him.

On the other hand I am still dealing with and trying to come to terms with everything he and his friends put me through. A year later and I’m still struggling. Honestly don’t know if I will ever get through it.

The drugs and trying to kill himself 6 times totally broke me. How does someone get over this? I still get nightmares about it all.

In one year my world was totally shattered – my mom passed away,my son lost it and overdid the drugs and trying to kill himself blaming himself for my Mom’s death as they had an argument about 10 minutes before she died of a heart attack.

Also continously being lied to by my son and all his friends. People I did everything for,even opened my house to them to live with us even though I’m struggling financially and saw as part of our little family. The betrayal runs so so deep I can’t even explain.

Please people if you suspect anything do something immediately!!! Don’t trust them,they’re excellent at manipulating and lying. I made the Huge mistake of trusting him and his friends and believing that they would tell me. I honestly thought we had the type of relationship that they felt they could tell me. I kept asking them and spoke about drugs often so they would realise what it does,etc. They still kept promising me they aren’t that stupid. To my heartbreak, sadly I was manipulated and lied to for a very long time. I’m still totally broken.

So now I just try to take it day by day and pray that my son and everyone involved have seen and learnt the error of their ways.