Fear …

So at the age of 48 I am getting married. Something I honestly never thought I would do again.

Years of mental and physical abuse. Years of betrayal,lies, being cheated on over and over and continuous manipulation had me promising myself never again will I get married.

Yes my second time. My first was an absolute nightmare of all kinds of abuse that I am thankful I got out alive with no children from that marriage. Thank the Lord for my Father and a dear friend who fetched me, packed up my stuff and took me back home to be with him and my Mom. Without my understanding and supportive parents I would have stayed in that scary marriage not wanting to disappoint my Mom and Dad.

Years late when I fell pregnant I promised myself and my unborn child that I will Never go through that again or put him through that. I stayed single for 17 and a half years protecting myself and my son from all the abuse I endured for so many years.

Now unbelievably I am marrying for the second time to an incredible man and to be honest I’m very scared and very nervous!!! I can’t go through manipulation,cheating,abuse or betrayal ever again. My fiance has taught me what love truly is,what it’s like to have a man protect you and not hurt you in every way possible.

I am so excited to marry him and really can’t wait but,there is something inside of me that wants to scream from fear and uncertainty. I guess you never get over the fear, the memories or nightmares of all the abuse and betrayal. The fear that the betrayal,cheating,etc will happen again is a genuine fear I live with everyday. How to calm those fears and trust myself? Trust him?

How to move forward without all that still weighing me down?

I want to move forward,marry him and know that my heart is safe, that I am safe with him. I have never felt safer with any man before,he is my calm,my protector,my love so why do I still have these fears?