A million shiny tear drops splashing to the floor
A heart breaking into thousands of puzzle pieces bit by bit
A soul screaming as loud as a thunderstorm
A dream,a life dissolving into air
Shaking like the leaves on trees in a windy day
Everything dying,slowly slowly dying
The struggle to breathe so real,wanting to give up and stop the breath. Too heavy, too crushing, too devastating
All shattered……
No more…..
Alone again
Alone with her thoughts
Her emotions
Her memories
Alone just existing not living
No joy
No life
Maybe that’s what she was born to be
Alone forever
Alone until her last day,until her body gives its last breathe
Maybe then she will find her true happiness
Maybe then she will find her peace
Maybe then she will have someone who loves her devotedly, unconditionally, endlessly
Not good enough to be loved devotedly, unconditionally in this life
Never been,never will be….
Pieces scattering on the floor
Waterfall tears gushing down
Heart crushed to beat no more
Her life force gone with the wind
Her dream only a dream, a memory
No will to live, no will to fight
Her heart, body,mind and soul crushed…..
No more…..
Holding her breathe afraid to wake up from this incredible dream…
Her life about to start with a man better than anyone she could ever imagine
The man she is so in love with it consumes her soul
He is her Forever and a day
Her lifegiving breathe
Her strength holding her up when all her hope, all her fight is fading
Her moonlight in her dark, dark days shining brightly calling her towards consuming love and peace
Her caccoon covering her with his arms keeping her safe from the cruelty she feels around her
She holds her breathe, the day is drawing near when they make their commitment, Give themselves fully to one another.
She holds on to the fact that their love is true
A one of a kind love, so scarce many can only dream of
Holding her breathe afraid to wake up from this incredible dream…
The time is drawing near
Her nerves running wild throughout her body….
Counting down the days drawing closer….. closer to their big day, big moment
The day they become one for all eternity, the day their lives change forever
So at the age of 48 I am getting married. Something I honestly never thought I would do again.
Years of mental and physical abuse. Years of betrayal,lies, being cheated on over and over and continuous manipulation had me promising myself never again will I get married.
Yes my second time. My first was an absolute nightmare of all kinds of abuse that I am thankful I got out alive with no children from that marriage. Thank the Lord for my Father and a dear friend who fetched me, packed up my stuff and took me back home to be with him and my Mom. Without my understanding and supportive parents I would have stayed in that scary marriage not wanting to disappoint my Mom and Dad.
Years late when I fell pregnant I promised myself and my unborn child that I will Never go through that again or put him through that. I stayed single for 17 and a half years protecting myself and my son from all the abuse I endured for so many years.
Now unbelievably I am marrying for the second time to an incredible man and to be honest I’m very scared and very nervous!!! I can’t go through manipulation,cheating,abuse or betrayal ever again. My fiance has taught me what love truly is,what it’s like to have a man protect you and not hurt you in every way possible.
I am so excited to marry him and really can’t wait but,there is something inside of me that wants to scream from fear and uncertainty. I guess you never get over the fear, the memories or nightmares of all the abuse and betrayal. The fear that the betrayal,cheating,etc will happen again is a genuine fear I live with everyday. How to calm those fears and trust myself? Trust him?
How to move forward without all that still weighing me down?
I want to move forward,marry him and know that my heart is safe, that I am safe with him. I have never felt safer with any man before,he is my calm,my protector,my love so why do I still have these fears?
A thousand ants running in her stomach
A rock on her chest,slow heavy breathing
Drums in her heart beating harder…. Harder….. faster….. Faster….
A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. spinning….
Is this genuine? Is this real??
Is this a fairytale with a happily ever after or a heartbreak story?
Her mind going back and forth,thinking,doubting,fear,heartbreak,anger,betrayal,immense love,happy, contentment……
What to believe? Is she fooling herself? Can she really once in her life believe that everything is genuine,honest with no more betrayal,heartache,fears, tears,no more lies and secrets?
Can she truly put her guard down and do one of the most important things in her life? Can she truly trust again?
Is it truly the life of renewel, openness,honesty,love,loyalty and devotion? A life that beats any happily ever after fairytale??
A thousand ants running in her stomach
A rock on her chest slow heavy breathing
A merry go round in her head everything spinning…. Spinning ….
Drums beating in her heart hard,faster…. Faster…..
Like trees infinitely restore our life giving air
You keep my heart beating
Like the sun fills a new day with warmth
You warm my being, my heart
Like millions of stars shining brightly in the evening sky
You feed my soul with your light, your essence
Like a mothers arms comforting her child
You give me peace, security, total contentment
Like the pieces of a puzzle that join together to form a magnificent picture
You fit with me forming an unbreakable bond
Like the happily ever afters
You give me my never ending, my love devine, a life far better than the fairytales
YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT!
YOU ARE ALL CONSUMING!
YOU ARE MY ALL, MY EVERYTHING, MY LIFE!!!
Fiery heart
Weightless soul
Sea blue eyes
Shapely hourglass body
She moves through life loving, caring and saving lost souls
Helping them find their way, find their light.
Helping them see they to can shine
Teaching them that they to can face the world with wonder and beauty even with the storms
“This to shall pass” She says with strength
Everything is possible
Everything has it’s time.
Fiery heart
Weightless soul
Sea blue eyes
Shapely hourglass body
She moves through life loving, caring and saving souls
She shines like the sun in a warm spring day
Her voice like birds sweet sweet songs
Her soul ethereal, carrying her through, holding her up through the sorrows, the tears and broken pieces of all she saves.
She is a Survivor
The Queen
The Saviour.
She is Majestic, she is me…….
You say you love me
You say it’s only me,your stupid days are over. Your games are over.
I so desperately want to believe you,want to trust you yet there is still something telling me not to.
How do I know you are genuine now? How do I know your double life has stopped? How do I know you won’t go back to your old ways?
Keeping secrets and manipulating has always been your thing. How do I know it has stopped??
Do I really want to know? Am I ready to hear that it hasn’t stopped and have my heart and soul crushed??
They say your biggest fear always comes upon you – well that is my biggest fear. You living a double life,you carrying on with games,you playing the field yet promising me the world.
Please please don’t let my greatest fear come upon me. Please please tell me you are genuine!! Please please tell me your promises are true!!!!
More importantly rather tell me the truth no matter what. I’d rather have my heart and soul crushed than live a life of lies and betrayal.
My heart is pounding in my chest just thinking about it. Hurting like crazy just thinking of the possibility.
You keep saying I need to trust you and you are devoted to me yet when I did trust you wholeheartedly,without a question you were living a double life and made the same promises and said the same things to me.
I guess as much as it scares me I chose you and have to live with the consequences whatever they may be. I pray with all my heart and soul that they are good consequences and that my loyalty and trust and life isn’t wasted.
You say you are committed to me and have always been.
Sadly your actions then was not of a committed man. So no you haven’t always been! How do I know that this is for real? That you truly are committed to me now?
I gave you my heart, my soul, my life from the first time I said I love you! You gave me false promises, lies, betrayal and manipulation.
How do I know that you are truly not involved in any way with other women like you used to be? You led a double life for so long, how do I know you aren’t still doing that? You do it so well. You are a master manipulator.
Tell me….. how do I know this time is different? How do I know you will never betray my trust again, cheat on me again? How do I know you trully are finished with other women? How do I know I really am your only one?
The promises you made then when cheating and living the double life are the same promises you make now. The things you said then are the same now.
There was always the secret messages, sexting,secret meetings, etc while telling me I’m the only one. Making pinky promises of forever love and only me.
Have you changed as it seems, or is it more of your manipulation? More of your lies and false promises???
My Life,My Thoughts 