An awakening

Today I realized how much my past abuse still affects my life.

Roll back many years – after leaving one more abusive relationship you promise yourself never again!! You stay single for many years to break the cycle of abuse and to work through the trauma. When you left the last relationship you told yourself no more abuse, no more fear, no more being the victim – you are a survivor not a victim you will overcome the nightmares and fear.

Now – years and years later you get involved in a relationship with an incredible man who loves you,supports you, takes care of you, and will never hurt you in any way.

Unfortunately today we ended up fighting because of an innocent thing that happened. Why? Because I felt humiliated, I felt I needed to defend myself unnecessarily and got upset. He did not have any bad intentions, on the contrary he was trying to avoid a bad situation.

After we spoke I realized that my trauma from my years of abuse is still there. Subconsciously I still feel I need to protect myself and defend myself. I never could when going through the abuse. I was always belittled, made to shut up and do as he wanted, been hurt and attacked in so many ways.

Yes I’m a survivor but it seems the trauma will always be there. I now see that I never worked through it properly. I need to get to the point of realizing I don’t always need to protect myself and defend myself, not everyone is there to hurt and abuse and belittle.

So my next journey begins. How to make sure the past does not destroy this incredible relationship.


Not easy reading…

I want to speak about things that I have endured in my life. Things that not many people know about, not even my folks.

From a very young age I’ve had to deal with sexual, mental and emotional and physical abuse. Sexual, emotional and mental abuse from various people my folks and I trusted – A friend of my folks, my uncle(Mom’s youngest brother), my best friend’s father, another one of my Dad’s friends, a step family member – all from the age of 4. Once I left school I went into one abusive relationship to the next, even getting raped by one of them. Carrying o. With the horrific cycle.

After school carrying on with the abusive cycle with the men I sadly chose to be with. Going to hospital because of injuries from the beatings, feeling powerless and scared all the time. The sexual, mental and emotional abuse I have had to endure from about the age of 4 is beyond comprehension.  I have had to fight for my sanity and my life.

How do you start explaining your experiences when it’s been a looooong, difficult road. A life of manipulation, deceit, lies and fear. Sadly as much as you say you have worked through it, there are triggers in your everyday life, no matter how long ago it happened.

I’ve been beaten, chocked, pulled by my hair while being dragged, been held up against the wall by my throat, been raped and torn as he raped me, been instructed what to wear and how to behave, been cheated on so many times its ridiculous.  I lost myself trying to keep them happy in hopes that the fighting, the screaming, them breaking me down every second they got, would stop but, it never did.

At the age of 47 I still have nightmares and still have triggers that put me in a state of being that scared little girl or that person who would do anything so she doesn’t get beaten or screamed at. The person who was the trophy to show off but not to be loyal to and treat properly with the care, love and loyalty she deserves.

The night of the rape killed me inside, The more I screamed for him to stop the more he carried on, the rougher he got, the more he tore me. When he was finished he went out again leaving me lying on the floor crying, scared and in a lot of pain. 

The words that have been said to me since a little girl still goes through my mind every now and then – “Don’t tell anyone”, “don’t tell your parents I will kill them” and “who would they believe? No-one will believe a little girl.” “You are worthless”, “Not worthy of anything”, “You are only here for men to enjoy, nothing else “”Your body and beauty is for us to do with what we want”, “You are not worth only being with you when there are so many others to enjoy as well, I will be with as many women as and how I want, you will never change that, it will Never just be you”, “You are my teophy woman so behave when we go out, stay by me and dont move” and on and on it went. Little by little my soul got destroyed, I got destroyed.

Wearing pants in hopes that when he takes me for the dreaded drives he can’t molest me again but, be still gets it right everytime. His hands in my pants playing while he pleases himself until he’s done. At home – Him pleasing himself and making me stand there naked in front of him until he was finished then wiping himself clean with my underwear. When I would bath he would stand outside and watch through the window while pleasing himself. I was not aloud to put clothes on until he was done. All this when I was very young, not even developed properly, it got worse as I grew and my body developed.

Sleeping over at my friend’s house, sleeping next to her and putting teddies all around us, which in my young mind made sense that it would make it difficult for him to do anything to me but,sadly when we both slept he always came in and had his way. In the day while all the children were there he would make me sit on his lap and put his fingers in my panties and enjoy himself – always sitting at a table with a table cloth so no-one could see. He would always find games that looked innocent to everyone but, wasn’t.  Games where it made it possible for him to touch me inappropriately but, no-one realized what he was doing.

My saving grace was going to boarding school. Little do my parents know that me going to boarding school helped me stay sane and alive.

Having boyfriends lie, manipulate, abuse and cheat on me was so soul destroying, everything carried on most of my life. The emotional and mental abuse carried on with them. I still don’t understand why. I have always been the loyal, honest one, the one that does anything for others. 

A lot of times I wish I was cold hearted and uncaring. I wish I wasn’t the girl everyone seemed to want, even making bets on who would be with me. I even picked up weight, stopped dressing up, stopped wearing makeup, made myself as ugly, as undesirable as possible so that men would just leave me alone. Thinking that if I did that and wasn’t someone that drew their attention then I’d be safe – no more fear, no more anxiety, no more manipulation, no more deceit, no more cheating!!!! Being alone seemed safer.

All I’ve ever wanted is someone to be 100% loyal to me, someone who treats me with love and kindness, who is totally devoted to me, who is understanding. Someone who is only interested in me and not needing other women. Is that so much to ask for??? Is it so much to ask to have my person and not have to always to worry????

Life has taught me that you can never let your guard down. You need to be careful who you let in your life and heart. I was single for 17 years to keep myself and my son safe. 17 years of trying to make myself as undesirable as possible so that I don’t get lied to, manipulated, abused or cheated on.

The only good thing out of my life experiences is that I have helped many others who have been through similar situations and I will continue to do that. They need to know they aren’t alone.

No matter what anyone says – You are You! One in a million! You are special and have been created with a purpose! Never let anyone take your power away from you. Don’t let what they say become who you are. Keep your power and fight. You are stronger than you think and more powerful and special than you could imagine!!!


Just got a Horrible flashback,my heart sunk to my toes and I’m fighting to keep the tears at bay.

How the hell do you move forward when your mind plays those tricks on you?? It feels like it just happened.

It happened months ago,I’m still struggling with it and just when I think I’m doing good something hits me from that time and I feel like I’m right there again.

I honestly wish there was no such thing as cheating and stupid emotional and mind games!!! All it does is destroy!!!!

Do you ever truly get over it? Will it ever stop hurting? Will you ever beable to stop wondering and questioning. Will you ever have peace and be content again????