Story of a girl….

She was born beautiful and innocent

She was broken and destroyed into tiny, tiny pieces – her heart, body, mind and soul….

She was left alone to sweep the tiny, tiny pieces of her heart, body, mind & soul slowly, timeously back together.

To bring her soul back, to heal her heart, to cleanse her mind and renew her body….

She stood alone in the beginning, stands alone in her turmoil & fights. She stands alone to fight against all that was done to her…..

She is a warrior, her own warrior. She will prevail. She stands in her own power.

She is Unique. She is Powerful. She is Glorious and Wonderous!!!

She is all that and more!!

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At this point in my life…

People are so fake. So sneaky,so unreal!! What happened to all the genuine people?

At my age I’ve seen and endured more than enough heartache and emotional games. People are just out there for themselves and don’t care who they hurt and disrespect. Then you try do what they do to show them what their actions cause and you are the disrespectful one. Never mind what they do.

The people I have in my life are people I want in my life. Life is fleeting and I’ve decided that either they are with me 100% and give me the same loyalty and respect I give them or I don’t want them in my life.

I don’t know how long I still have in this lifetime and I sure as hell don’t want to share my life with halfassed people who are not genuine. Half-assed people who are different in front of me than when I’m not around.

People are cruel to each other and play games in all aspects. Not caring who they are hurting and disrespecting, not caring that the hurt they cause destroys the person they are hurting and disrespecting.

Well, life is there to enjoy and be happy. I’ve fought enough, since I was very young I have fought for myself. Fought to try keep safe, fought to be a survivor and not a victim, fought not to give in to the darkness. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with that one genuine person who will love me as I deserve. Will see me and only me. Will need me and only me sexually, emotionally and mentally. Will only want me.

Sadly I know how I am feeling others feel as well. Thx to social media ppl play more games emotionally, sexually and mentally than ever before!! Ppl can lie so so much and so easily about themselves and live double lives.

If people can’t be real and genuine then they can move on. Every single person in my life is someone I hold dear and want in my life but, I’m not tolerating the double standards, double life, lies, deceit and games anymore – I deserve better!! I deserve ppl in my life who treat me like I treat them – with respect, loyalty and truth.

Respect, loyalty, truth are things I hold very highly and deserve.

Sad so so sad…

Her heart breaking a little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like rain drops on a stormy day. Her stomach feeling like a deep deep pit.

Sad So so sad…

She tries to move forward, tries to carry on as if everything is bright and beautiful. Tries to ignore it because after all he is with her. He loves her.

Sad so so sad….

She knows he isn’t just hers. She knows he still needs the opposite sex. She knows he still exchanges numbers and messages, does sexting and all sorts with them. All done in private. He tells her everyday that she is the only one for him that he is hers and only her but, Sadly she knows that’s not the case.

Yes he loves her, yes he is with her but sadly she is not the only one. She loves him and tries to live with that knowledge knowing he will never stop.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

She knows that one day her heart will break completely and she will need to leave even though she knows he’s the love of her life and to leave him would be to kill herself emotionally. To destroy her world. Knowing she doesn’t want to live without him but, for her own sanity and self-respect she will need to leave no matter how much she loves him.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Wishing with all her heart and soul that he trully meant the words he says. Wishing that he would realise the heartache he is causing. Wishing he would realise that what he’s doing is so so wrong. Wishing he would stop and trully only have eyes for her and only have the need for her attention and affection.

Never saying no to him sexually, giving him free reign to her body and soul. Never denying him anything. So why does he still do all that in private? Why still need others when he has everything he could ever need with her. She tries to make love to him he stops her – causing a little more heartache, why stop her? Making her want to make herself small, curl into a small ball.

He acts like he’s single on social media, has pages that look like a single man’s pages. All the single women. All the likes, hearts, etc on their photos. Photos that he shouldn’t even be taking note of, messaging these women, exchanging numbers, photos, calls, etc. Causing such disrespect to her, such disrespect to their relationship. Devalueing their relationship, their love, their life together.

Sad so so sad… Her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops….

She knows things without having to be told. She feels it though energy, her intuition and her dreams. She always knows. She just always wants proof, wants confirmation and sadly everytime she has looked for proof it has broken her heart. Everything she knows without being told has always always proven to be right. Her intuition is Always, Always right.

Sad so so sad…. her heart breaking little by little everyday. Tears streaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Will he ever see…… Will he ever stop. The hurt, the harm he is doing?

Sad so so sad…… her heart breaking little by little everyday. Her tears steaming down her cheeks like raindrops during a storm.

Slowly killing her emotionally, slowly killing the relationship…

He’s in a committed relationship, he loves her dearly. Tells her she is his everything, his life.

Even though he loves her and is happy with her he still does sexting with other women. Causing her to feel disrespected, questioning her worth.

Surely if she is good enough for him like he says, surely if he loves her and is happy with her he would not need to even chat to other women never mind the sexting.

Why be in a commited relationship when he still needs to do that? Be single then he can have as many women as he’d like, do whatever he wants with them. It kills her knowing he does that, realizing with a very sore heart that he will never stop. Making her feel very betrayed and very disrespected. She loves him more than she thought possible, can’t leave him but is sad and hurts everyday knowing he will never stop doing it, knowing he does it everyday when he’s alone.

Why does he need other women when he has her? When he says she is everything he could ever want. When he says she is beautiful and sexy and loves her and her body? If that is the truth then Why??? It makes absolutely no sense!!! She does anything he wants sexually, never denies him. So why????

What makes a man or women do that when they are in a loving, commited relationship??? Why??

Do they not see how disrespectful and deceitful it is? How do they not see that that is being unfaithful?? How much it hurts!! There should be absolutely no chatting, no exchange of numbers, most definitely no sexting whatsoever with the oposite sex – no matter what the reason!! No reason at all is good enough to do that – NOTHING!!!

Slowly slowly her heart breaks everyday. She cries everyday when no-one can see. Her heart aching, questioning her worth, questioning everything. Even with all that she can’t stop loving him., he is her world, her everything, her life……

A love like that he will NEVER find! A more committed, devoted person he will never meet. So why????

He says he always comes home to her, he is with her, she is the only one he wants, he chooses her and will always choose her – not seeming to understand that him doing that breaks her heart, makes her feel disrespected, cheated on, makes her question her worth. Hurting everyday. Not realizing that what he does is extremely disrespectful, extremely deceiving and actually cheating. Such betrayal!!! It makes her so sad.

Sadly this is happening in so many relationships. Either partner cheating and being deceitful and disrespectful like that, not thinking there is anything wrong with it because after all they love their partner and are with their partners – thinking that makes it better. No! It doesn’t! Deceit is deceit, disrespecting your partner, being unfaithful – no matter how it is done is so so wrong! Sadly in the end that is what kills the relationship not falling out of love, no – feeling disrespected, feeling hurt, being betrayed over and over again – that is what kills that relationship.

If only..

If only people realised the effect they have on others. How they could destroy someone so easily but, could also make them the happiest person in the world just as easily.

If only people thought before doing and realized that their actions whether done in secret or not does damage in so so many ways.

If only people treated others with the loyalty,trustworthiness and respect that they expect for themselves.

If only…..

Thoughts…..

Today my heart is breaking….

You see I am 47 and in a relationship for just over a year with a 21 year old. We love each other dearly but, seem to both be so emotionally invested in each other that we have these blow up fights over unnecessary things.

Why do you hurt the people you love? Why say hurtful things when you are angry that hurt deeply and can’t be forgotten? Unfortunately we both sit with this thing of we aren’t good enough for the other. I feel like all I do is say and do the wrong things and he in turn feels the same way. It’s really ridiculous!!

I’m an over Thinker unfortunately and that causes so much problems – how do I stop that? I know that everything happens when and if it should. I truly believe that, but my mind pushes me to levels that are unnecessary.

Him being young,extremely good looking with a body to die for who can have any women he wants, makes me feel insecure. How does a 47 year old woman whose body isn’t great anymore compete with the young girls with amazing bodies etc? Maybe compete is the wrong word I don’t know. I know that sounds stupid and he has told me many times it’s me he wants.

How do I stop this over thinking krap? How do I trust our hearts and relationship without thinking up stupid scenarios of him meeting someone else,etc? I know all relationships have issues similar to this but,this over thinking krap is tooo much for me and him. I do believe what is meant to happen will happen and no matter what you do whatever is meant to happen will happen at the time it’s meant to, our relationship is proof of that.

I always said I would never have a relationship with someone more than a few years younger than me but, the chemistry and instant bond we have had from the beginning is something I’ve never experienced before. Our relationship just happened, randomly happened and is the best thing that could have happened to me. We got together in weird circumstances, which should actally make me feel incredible but,sadly it doesn’t because of my stupid over thinking. I feel extremely blessed and extremely lucky to have him in my life,I really do. So why am I doing this???

On the one hand I’m anxious and over thinking the scenarios of him meeting someone else where his mind and emotions are with them instead of me and our relationship, and I end up losing him and on the other hand I believe our love can pull us through anything. We have been through so much and both of us could have left but,we keep choosing each other and staying together to work through everything. I believe in him and in our love and relationship but my Damn mind!!!!

The thing is the love I feel for him is soul consuming. I know for a fact he is my true love!!! He is my all!! He makes me feel incredible,beautiful, sexy and loved. He makes me see myself differently. He is more of a man than any man I have ever met!! He treats me with the kind of love and support I’ve never experienced before. He has supported me in my darkest days and stood by me when no-one else did. The scary thing is that he has the power to totally destroy me because he has much of me. He has all my heart and soul!

Please someone help me to stop over thinking,I’m destroying the most precious, incredible thing in my life because of it.