Wake up…

Is he still by your side?

Is he sleeping when you are sleeping or chatting to other women?

Am I truly the only one?

Hearing the same words & promises when I wasn’t the only one.

Wishing & believing that I am his ultimate,his only.

The intense anxiety,the deep fear eating you up inside.

Are you right to give him your heart body mind & soul?

To give him your all, your life?

Sadly unless you catch him you will never know.

Check his cell? Never…. causing an arguement you don’t have the energy for.

You stupidly ask if he has strayed in any way knowing he wont tell you the truth. Yet you can’t stop yourself from asking him.

He is distant,moody,he shouts at you a lot. Your over thinking mind convincing you they are all signs there is someone else when you know that could be for so many other reasons.

When he cheated it literally destroyed your heart,your soul.  

It’s been years since it happened, yet it still feels like it just happened.  The hurt still cuts so so deeply. Any mention of anything that happened in that time period still cuts like a knife.

So so scary that one person can destroy you,destroy your soul in such a way that you will never fully heal. 

Your anxiety,panic attacks, thoughts & tears just don’t stop.

You hide your tears,anxiety & panic attacks from him knowing it will end up in an arguement. Knowing he will be defensive instead of trying to be understanding and loving..

In his mind it happened, its over saying things like –

“Get over it … “

“Stop being dramatic…”

“Grow up….”

“Deal with it….”

“It’s in the past…”

Deal with it – how? When that is your come back when I try open up to you.

Anxious, emotionally tired,soul tired,mentally tired,continous tears all in silence.

Picking up the pieces slowly…

One day ten stops ahead feeling good, the next 20 steps backwards with tears,anxiety,panic attacks.

Showing the world a happy face,laughing & smiling but in reality – struggling….

What is life actually?

Is it this constant heartache and betrayal?

Is this my karma?

Betrayal over and over?

Continous heartache?

Loosing your joy,your inner child.

Loosing your laughter,not knowing how to get it back.

Light slowly slowly going out like a flame dancing then dying in the wind.

Unending thoughts and questions, deep deep anxiety that history is repeating again.

Can’t do the wheel going over and over,need to smash it into pieces,so many pieces it won’t return.

Emotions Taking over…..

FEAR

HURT

UNDYING LOVE

BETRAYAL

DYING SOUL

QUESTIONS

Knots in your stomach

Heart beating like drums in your ears

Continous rivers of silent tears

Wanting to be like Alice and disappear into a land far far away

A tornado of thoughts screaming in your mind carrying you away to a dark sad void

How do you put to words your feelings,your emotions,your fears?

What do you speak zipwhen you don’t know how or what to say?

The unknown, slowly killing the soul, knowing the wheel always turns

HEEEEEELLLLPPPPP……

Echoing throughout your soul

Praying your overthinking is exactly that – just overthinking

Sadly the overthinking has proven to be right more often than not.

A desperate need to find Alice’s wonderland to go far far away where nobody knows you,

Far far away in a land of Magick,promises and wonder

Can’t do this world anymore

Can’t take these emotions and thoughts anymore

Can’t take the dishonesty, lies and deceit anymore

Craving a place far far away,no people,no hurt,no betrayal,no lies….

Just peace and love

I know you love but,you still want your previous life.

You have mentioned it numerous times when we argue and when you are drunk but then when we aren’t arguing and things seem fine, you say you are happy.

What a person says when they are drunk is always the truth.

What a person does when not with the other speaks volumes.

You have lied to me,kept things from me numerous times even though we promised each other we wouldn’t, you’re continuing to do things you know very well upsets me and is very disrespectful to me and our marriage.

I can’t continue to live like this!!

You changed for the better not to loose me because you knew it was going to happen.

Now we are married for just over a year and you are going back to lies,secrets, and doing things you know too well you shouldn’t be doing.

Should I stay or should I go???

That is the question!!!

I have been betrayed so so many times by so many people.  I honestly thought with you it has stopped but,clearly it hasn’t.

Honestly thought I have found someone who really cares about me,about my feelings. Someone who I am and always will be good enough for. Someone who will do anything not to lose me,who will genuinely only need me.

Sadly it doesn’t seem like that is the case.

How much more must one person take??

Maybe it is time to move on,move forward into another life with no-one close to me.

Time to build the walls again and keep everyone out.

Am I so weak?

Am I so stupid that people think they can keep doing this to me?

All this shows me is that I’m not good enough in every sense of the meaning.

How much more must my heart break???

Surely I am worth Everything, Absolutely Everything!!!

All this shows me is that all my love, everything I do and everything I give of myself isn’t good enough.

So the question remains – should I stay or should I go???

I keep thinking of others in every way before myself. So yes,I guess that make me a very stupid,very weak person.

I rather get hurt than let someone else hurt??? Why do I do that?? My feelings,my heart,my life,my beliefs are just as important as anyone else’s!!

Should I stay or should I go???

One year ago I married you.

The most incredible day – 23rd July 2023! We were a small group but, a loving group. A day better than any story.

You looked so handsome my heart skipped a beat! A sight that blew me away!

I felt so indescribably happy and excited, so lucky and blessed to join my life, my soul with you.

The way you looked at me with that utter love and awe was more than I ever imagined.

Our marriage has been the most incredible, Awe inspiring journey.

You are the Most phenomenal husband I could ever have imagined. The most intensely loving, understanding, caring man I have ever met.

You changed and became the man you knew I needed without me saying anything. You became this awe inspiring man that I feel blessed beyond measure to be lucky enough to share my life with.

Our hearts beat as one, our souls intertwined until death and beyond.

You continue to show me everyday how much you love me in all the things you do and say daily.

I can never doubt your love for me, it is as clear as a bright sunny day!

You are always so proud to say “My wife” it still warms my heart everytime you say that. Whenever you talk about me or to me it’s “My Wife” with such pride and so much love.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me, for being the most incredible husband, for showing me what true love, devotion and loyalty is.

Thank you for always standing by my side, for always supporting me.

Thank you for waking me up from my nightmares at night and holding me tightly assuring me that you are there.

You are my Absolute!!

You are my breathe, my heart, my soul, my life and you show me everyday that I am that to you as well.

The bond we share is all consuming, it fills my soul.

You have given me a life, a love better than any fairytale.

I truly love you more than words could ever express.

A year later and you still take my breathe away, my heart still skips a beat.

I still wonder how I got so incredibly lucky!

You fought a huge battle with cancer – you struggled, went through hell.

We felt for you, we ran when you called no matter the time – night or day, no matter what we were doing we made sure we were there by your side.

You were always our priority.

Stood by you and supported you no matter what!

You eventually took your own life (we all know you did) .

Your last time in hospital you were having to get ready for a tornado on it’s way to you.

All your lies, your deceit, all your secrets catching up on you, the only way to stop the tornado on it’s way to you was to end it all yourself.

I kept my promise to you that you would not die alone, put myself through the trauma of sitting with you until you took your last breathe not knowing that you actually ended it yourself to avoid the onslaught on it’s way to you. I sat there, spoke to you , cried held your hand – not knowing the truth – your truth.

Since the 23rd May 2024 I have put myself through incredible trauma with everything I have put myself through for you, with everything I find out on a daily basis. Still now, I am sorting stuff out for you, unlike you my promises are meant and kept no matter what.

To my Absolute shock you were not the person I grew up with, not the person I believed you were. You were not the caring, loving person you made out to be, that everyone thought you were.

You have left a string of heartache, betrayal, lies, and so so much more behind. To say you wont be missed is an understatement.

You made me question myself as a person, you broke me down so so much.

You controlled my life and me so so well, I never even had a clue.

You controlled everyone you knew to your advantage in such a way no-one realised it. We were all your pawns to play with. You played us all like puppets, moving and speaking to your will.

Making people dislike each other so you could be the centre of attention.

Doing things to make yourself look good, and us as bad as you could possibly make us look, so everyone would hold you at high esteem – Shirley – what a wonderful, caring person – if only everyone knew the truth!! If only we knew!!

We held you high up on a pedestal, never saying one bad thing about you.

Now you are gone and everything is coming to light.

You were the living woman Jekyll and Hyde. One way with us, another when we weren’t around. A totally different person with so so much lies, secrets, deceit…… Living a double life, a terribly secret life. Two different personalities, two different lives unknown to us all until you passed.

You’ve left me feeling extremely betrayed, questioning my worth, questioning all the years with you –

What was real?

What was the truth?

Who were you?

I’m still shocked and totally taken aback – how could you hide it all so well. We were friends for 38 years, I never once questioned our friendship and our loyalty to each other. We had matching tattoos – your idea, I moved into your property to live with you because you wanted it that way. Now I find out you weren’t the true friend I thought you were, you weren’t loyal as I was and like I believed you were.

You kept your only real friends apart by lies and making sure we never liked each other so you would stay the centre of attention. Now you are gone and we are getting on like a house on fire. So much time we have lost where we could have been incredible friends. Your lies did not work!! We beat you in that game!

You were my life, my life long friend, my sister not in blood but by heart.

You will now be forgotten and we will gladly move forward without you.

You do not deserve any further thought!!

You do not deserve anyone thinking good of you any longer!!

Everyone will know who you truly were, we will make sure of that!

No more pawns in your sick games.

I will succeed without you!!

We will succeed without you!!

We DO NOT need you!!

In death you will see that we are far better off and far more special than you wanted to see. We will rise and you will no longer hold us back, no longer undermine us, no longer kill our spirits, no longer be your puppets, your pawns.

Good-bye and never to meet again!!

You are now the pawn, the puppet in death!

Desperation makes you do stupid things, things that can and will destroy any goodness in you, will destroy the life you are trying to build and the love and relationships you have in your life.

Please. please don’t go to those levels, especially when you are in a relationship!! Please don’t use your body under any circumstance, no matter what!! You are destroying your self worth, destroying your relationship, destroying the trust your partner has in you.

You and your body is for you and your partner and ONLY you and your partner – no matter what you Never, Never go to levels where you use your body for money or anything.

You, your soul, your body is sacred and should ONLY be shared with your partner. Absolutely no-one else!! When you use yourself and your body to get money, to get things, to get further you are killing the bond between you and your partner, killing the special moments. Killing your self worth.

I know there are desperate times, I have been there many times but, NOTHING ABSOULUTELY NOTHING is worth giving up your self worth. Nothing is worth killing the special sacred bond between you and your partner.

NOTHING is worth killing yourself slowly with your own hatred by doing that.

Life has so much to live for, so many wonderful experiences, so many happy times.

Yes there will always be difficult, challenging times in life but, they will end.

Remember this special quote ” THIS TO SHALL PASS”, Nothing last forever.

So hold on, no matter the terrible situation you find yourself in there is always a way out, there is always a light at the end of that deep tunnel.

Disowning me because of my choice of husband when you don’t even know him, yes he’s much younger than me but, so what????!!!!!

He is more of a man than any man my age or older!! I would choose him over and over again. He makes me truly happy, loves and supports me like no-one ever has.

Why can men have much younger partners but, it is totally frowned upon when it is a women with a much younger man? What is the difference?

The Most important thing is happiness and love. So if you get that from a much younger man or woman why should age matter? Seriously what does age have to do with it?

Obviously my happiness is not important to you all, if it was you’d be happy I have eventually found someone true to me, someone who would live or die for me, someone who supports me no matter what, loves me with an incredible powerful love I never thought existed, takes care of me like no-one ever has.

So I say –

SCREW everyone who has something to say!

SCREW everyone who cuts you out of their lives because they don’t like your choice!

SCREW all those who snigger!

SCREW you all, I am the happiest I have ever been!!!