So today I’m just going to ramble.

My life has had its ups and downs, I’ve been so close to giving in to the darkness.

I am so so extremely grateful for Brandon the love of my life who has pulled me through my darkest days. Who has seen me for me and loves me through it all. Our relationship has gone through more than most in a short time period but we have grown stronger and stronger.

Then my son Kieran who fought his battle with drugs,went to rehab for a year and came out strong,positive and so successful in his life. He sees life so differently and now has a will to live. He is excelling and doing so incredibly well,I am so so very proud of him.

My dearest Dad who lost the love of his life 2 years ago (my loving Mom). Through all his heartache and struggles to go on,he still supported my son and I. He has always been there for me even though he doesn’t agree with a lot of my choices. When it counts I know he will always be there for me.

My best friend Shirley. She has been more like a sister to me and has helped me and my son through so so much. I’m eternally grateful to her. She is the most incredible friend. She gave me a home. She helped with the costs for the rehab for my son without question and without asking for a cent back. She has helped me through so many tough times. She has always been there for us and I know she always will be. She is one of the most incredible people I have ever met.

For all those people I am so truly grateful for. They have helped me see that life is worth living even though some trials are extremely hard to bare.

A million shiny tear drops splashing to the floor

A heart breaking into thousands of puzzle pieces bit by bit

A soul screaming as loud as a thunderstorm

A dream,a life dissolving into air

Shaking like the leaves on trees in a windy day

Everything dying,slowly slowly dying

The struggle to breathe so real,wanting to give up and stop the breath. Too heavy, too crushing, too devastating

All shattered……

No more…..

Alone again

Alone with her thoughts

Her emotions

Her memories

Alone just existing not living

No joy

No life

Maybe that’s what she was born to be

Alone forever

Alone until her last day,until her body gives its last breathe

Maybe then she will find her true happiness

Maybe then she will find her peace

Maybe then she will have someone who loves her devotedly, unconditionally, endlessly

Not good enough to be loved devotedly, unconditionally in this life

Never been,never will be….

Pieces scattering on the floor

Waterfall tears gushing down

Heart crushed to beat no more

Her life force gone with the wind

Her dream only a dream, a memory

No will to live, no will to fight

Her heart, body,mind and soul crushed…..

No more…..

So at the age of 48 I am getting married. Something I honestly never thought I would do again.

Years of mental and physical abuse. Years of betrayal,lies, being cheated on over and over and continuous manipulation had me promising myself never again will I get married.

Yes my second time. My first was an absolute nightmare of all kinds of abuse that I am thankful I got out alive with no children from that marriage. Thank the Lord for my Father and a dear friend who fetched me, packed up my stuff and took me back home to be with him and my Mom. Without my understanding and supportive parents I would have stayed in that scary marriage not wanting to disappoint my Mom and Dad.

Years late when I fell pregnant I promised myself and my unborn child that I will Never go through that again or put him through that. I stayed single for 17 and a half years protecting myself and my son from all the abuse I endured for so many years.

Now unbelievably I am marrying for the second time to an incredible man and to be honest I’m very scared and very nervous!!! I can’t go through manipulation,cheating,abuse or betrayal ever again. My fiance has taught me what love truly is,what it’s like to have a man protect you and not hurt you in every way possible.

I am so excited to marry him and really can’t wait but,there is something inside of me that wants to scream from fear and uncertainty. I guess you never get over the fear, the memories or nightmares of all the abuse and betrayal. The fear that the betrayal,cheating,etc will happen again is a genuine fear I live with everyday. How to calm those fears and trust myself? Trust him?

How to move forward without all that still weighing me down?

I want to move forward,marry him and know that my heart is safe, that I am safe with him. I have never felt safer with any man before,he is my calm,my protector,my love so why do I still have these fears?

You say you love me

You say it’s only me,your stupid days are over. Your games are over.

I so desperately want to believe you,want to trust you yet there is still something telling me not to.

How do I know you are genuine now? How do I know your double life has stopped? How do I know you won’t go back to your old ways?

Keeping secrets and manipulating has always been your thing. How do I know it has stopped??

Do I really want to know? Am I ready to hear that it hasn’t stopped and have my heart and soul crushed??

They say your biggest fear always comes upon you – well that is my biggest fear. You living a double life,you carrying on with games,you playing the field yet promising me the world.

Please please don’t let my greatest fear come upon me. Please please tell me you are genuine!! Please please tell me your promises are true!!!!

More importantly rather tell me the truth no matter what. I’d rather have my heart and soul crushed than live a life of lies and betrayal.

My heart is pounding in my chest just thinking about it. Hurting like crazy just thinking of the possibility.

You keep saying I need to trust you and you are devoted to me yet when I did trust you wholeheartedly,without a question you were living a double life and made the same promises and said the same things to me.

I guess as much as it scares me I chose you and have to live with the consequences whatever they may be. I pray with all my heart and soul that they are good consequences and that my loyalty and trust and life isn’t wasted.