If only..

If only people realised the effect they have on others. How they could destroy someone so easily but, could also make them the happiest person in the world just as easily.

If only people thought before doing and realized that their actions whether done in secret or not does damage in so so many ways.

If only people treated others with the loyalty,trustworthiness and respect that they expect for themselves.

If only…..

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An awakening

Today I realized how much my past abuse still affects my life.

Roll back many years – after leaving one more abusive relationship you promise yourself never again!! You stay single for many years to break the cycle of abuse and to work through the trauma. When you left the last relationship you told yourself no more abuse, no more fear, no more being the victim – you are a survivor not a victim you will overcome the nightmares and fear.

Now – years and years later you get involved in a relationship with an incredible man who loves you,supports you, takes care of you, and will never hurt you in any way.

Unfortunately today we ended up fighting because of an innocent thing that happened. Why? Because I felt humiliated, I felt I needed to defend myself unnecessarily and got upset. He did not have any bad intentions, on the contrary he was trying to avoid a bad situation.

After we spoke I realized that my trauma from my years of abuse is still there. Subconsciously I still feel I need to protect myself and defend myself. I never could when going through the abuse. I was always belittled, made to shut up and do as he wanted, been hurt and attacked in so many ways.

Yes I’m a survivor but it seems the trauma will always be there. I now see that I never worked through it properly. I need to get to the point of realizing I don’t always need to protect myself and defend myself, not everyone is there to hurt and abuse and belittle.

So my next journey begins. How to make sure the past does not destroy this incredible relationship.

Over thinking does it again..

Had my first op on the 6th September. Boy was I nervous!!

It just showed me once again how our minds can play tricks on us when we face the unknown. The thoughts that went through my mind were insane. Logically you know you are overthinking and being ridiculous but, mentally and emotionally you are going crazy. Another not so fun part of an over Thinker.

No matter what people say to you, no matter what you logically know – your over thinking mind goes into overdrive and you think of all sorts of horrible scenarios instead of just accepting and going with the flow, you scare yourself.

So crazy but so happy the op is over, now it’s just time and patience to heal.

Not easy reading…

I want to speak about things that I have endured in my life. Things that not many people know about, not even my folks.

From a very young age I’ve had to deal with sexual, mental and emotional and physical abuse. Sexual, emotional and mental abuse from various people my folks and I trusted – A friend of my folks, my uncle(Mom’s youngest brother), my best friend’s father, another one of my Dad’s friends, a step family member – all from the age of 4. Once I left school I went into one abusive relationship to the next, even getting raped by one of them. Carrying o. With the horrific cycle.

After school carrying on with the abusive cycle with the men I sadly chose to be with. Going to hospital because of injuries from the beatings, feeling powerless and scared all the time. The sexual, mental and emotional abuse I have had to endure from about the age of 4 is beyond comprehension.  I have had to fight for my sanity and my life.

How do you start explaining your experiences when it’s been a looooong, difficult road. A life of manipulation, deceit, lies and fear. Sadly as much as you say you have worked through it, there are triggers in your everyday life, no matter how long ago it happened.

I’ve been beaten, chocked, pulled by my hair while being dragged, been held up against the wall by my throat, been raped and torn as he raped me, been instructed what to wear and how to behave, been cheated on so many times its ridiculous.  I lost myself trying to keep them happy in hopes that the fighting, the screaming, them breaking me down every second they got, would stop but, it never did.

At the age of 47 I still have nightmares and still have triggers that put me in a state of being that scared little girl or that person who would do anything so she doesn’t get beaten or screamed at. The person who was the trophy to show off but not to be loyal to and treat properly with the care, love and loyalty she deserves.

The night of the rape killed me inside, The more I screamed for him to stop the more he carried on, the rougher he got, the more he tore me. When he was finished he went out again leaving me lying on the floor crying, scared and in a lot of pain. 

The words that have been said to me since a little girl still goes through my mind every now and then – “Don’t tell anyone”, “don’t tell your parents I will kill them” and “who would they believe? No-one will believe a little girl.” “You are worthless”, “Not worthy of anything”, “You are only here for men to enjoy, nothing else “”Your body and beauty is for us to do with what we want”, “You are not worth only being with you when there are so many others to enjoy as well, I will be with as many women as and how I want, you will never change that, it will Never just be you”, “You are my teophy woman so behave when we go out, stay by me and dont move” and on and on it went. Little by little my soul got destroyed, I got destroyed.

Wearing pants in hopes that when he takes me for the dreaded drives he can’t molest me again but, be still gets it right everytime. His hands in my pants playing while he pleases himself until he’s done. At home – Him pleasing himself and making me stand there naked in front of him until he was finished then wiping himself clean with my underwear. When I would bath he would stand outside and watch through the window while pleasing himself. I was not aloud to put clothes on until he was done. All this when I was very young, not even developed properly, it got worse as I grew and my body developed.

Sleeping over at my friend’s house, sleeping next to her and putting teddies all around us, which in my young mind made sense that it would make it difficult for him to do anything to me but,sadly when we both slept he always came in and had his way. In the day while all the children were there he would make me sit on his lap and put his fingers in my panties and enjoy himself – always sitting at a table with a table cloth so no-one could see. He would always find games that looked innocent to everyone but, wasn’t.  Games where it made it possible for him to touch me inappropriately but, no-one realized what he was doing.

My saving grace was going to boarding school. Little do my parents know that me going to boarding school helped me stay sane and alive.

Having boyfriends lie, manipulate, abuse and cheat on me was so soul destroying, everything carried on most of my life. The emotional and mental abuse carried on with them. I still don’t understand why. I have always been the loyal, honest one, the one that does anything for others. 

A lot of times I wish I was cold hearted and uncaring. I wish I wasn’t the girl everyone seemed to want, even making bets on who would be with me. I even picked up weight, stopped dressing up, stopped wearing makeup, made myself as ugly, as undesirable as possible so that men would just leave me alone. Thinking that if I did that and wasn’t someone that drew their attention then I’d be safe – no more fear, no more anxiety, no more manipulation, no more deceit, no more cheating!!!! Being alone seemed safer.

All I’ve ever wanted is someone to be 100% loyal to me, someone who treats me with love and kindness, who is totally devoted to me, who is understanding. Someone who is only interested in me and not needing other women. Is that so much to ask for??? Is it so much to ask to have my person and not have to always to worry????

Life has taught me that you can never let your guard down. You need to be careful who you let in your life and heart. I was single for 17 years to keep myself and my son safe. 17 years of trying to make myself as undesirable as possible so that I don’t get lied to, manipulated, abused or cheated on.

The only good thing out of my life experiences is that I have helped many others who have been through similar situations and I will continue to do that. They need to know they aren’t alone.

No matter what anyone says – You are You! One in a million! You are special and have been created with a purpose! Never let anyone take your power away from you. Don’t let what they say become who you are. Keep your power and fight. You are stronger than you think and more powerful and special than you could imagine!!!

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT…

Have you noticed that right before you are about to manifest something your life gets really shitty? You could have a falling out with friends or work people. Get fired from your job, or your car will break down over & over………. it’s really as simple as this…….

If you are asking for a new life, you can’t keep your old one. If you are manifesting a new car or job. The universe will hear you and what the universe will do is come in and totally destroy the job or car you have so you will have no choice but to move forward into what you are asking for.

If the friends you currently have are drinking and partying all the time and it doesn’t align with you. The universe will definitely come in and mess it up totally. You will probably have a falling out and move to people you do align with.

Saying it gets worse before it gets better is often true. Your life might suck for a little bit but, you just need to breathe through the chaos and trust that what you want is coming.

Don’t stress and lose your mind – take aligned action, it’s not going to happen on it’s own with flowers and rainbows. You Have to put in the work or the universe will put in the work for you. Work with the univers made it won’t be so shitty.

Take care and remember the universe always hears you good or bad. Whatever you say over and over amd think orver and over is manifesting – be it good or bad. So take care of your thoughts and words. What you think and say is you manifesting into or out of your life.

Take care sweet souls. Think and talk good into your life!

Why…

So today I have a huge challenge in front of me. I have been asked to help a lady who is a pensioner return a hex and various other things back to her ex husband and a Sangoma.

This has had me thinking – why would you marry someone, get divorced after many,many,many years of marriage and want to cause her so much pain and fear??

Why would you go so far as to get a Sangoma involved, especially because she is a frail old lady who can’t do any harm to anyone? What would make you go so far?

So sad!! You loved each other once and spent most of your life together, surely there is still some feelings and concern for each other.

Tonight I start my preparation to help her. First work on myself and protect myself then start. I looked at a photo of this lady and all I see is intense sadness. My heart broke for her, there is no light in her eyes.

A friend did a house clearing for her and saw weird little things running around causing havoc in the lady’s house (the lady can’t see them), I can just imagine how scared she is. It’s one thing to hate someone and wish them bad it’s a totally different thing when you start using hexes and curses.

What makes you think you can cause so much fear for anyone?

Remember Karma ALWAYS works. Whatever you give out you will get back 3 x fold.

Please love and take care of each other and if you can’t wish them well in their life and stay away and concentrate on your own life.

Brandon….

The sweetest name – Brandon

The Most precious gift – Brandon

My Heart beat – Brandon

My Breathe – Brandon

My Soul – Brandon

Brandon,Brandon, Brandon – no sweeter name, no more precious soul!

All Consuming- Brandon

My Strength – Brandon

My Life Source – Brandon

My Absolute – Brandon

Love like no other- Brandon

My Angel – Brandon

My One & Only – Brandon

Stupid,Stupid,Stupid.. .

I can’t breathe. My heart is breaking. I made a huge mistake. My life is over. No joy, no will to live!!!

The curse of being an over Thinker. Stupidly thinking & convincing myself of things I know aren’t real. Things I know are stupid. Reacting unnecessarily to something that is only in my Stupid,Stupid mind!! Knowing it’s only in my mind but still doing stupid things. Things that I hate myself for doing, things that don’t make me feel good at all. Not realizing how he would hurt, not realizing how much he really loves me.

Hating myself!! No longer wanting to go on. Destroying the only good thing in my life!! Destroying the only thing worth living for!!!

I feel like a waste, not worth anything. How can I be when I destroy the BEST thing of my life?? The sweetest, most incredible man.

I’ve lost everything!!! My heart & soul. Stupid, Stupid over thinking!!!

I HATE YOU!!!!!! YOU ARE A DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING!!!!!!

Step back…..

Take a step back from life,from all your thoughts, beliefs,emotions- everything. Let the universe do what it does best. Look at your life with new eyes,as if it’s someone else’s life. Look at the people in you life – really Look. Look at the way your life is going. Look at everything around you with new eyes.

The constant worry & anxiety about things you can’t change. Feeling drained trying to control things knowing you can’t. Knowing very well that no matter what – things are as they should be & will always be as they should be no matter what you try,no matter how many tears you cry or sleepless nights you endure,no matter how many times you fight,beg or crawl. What will be will be.

You give,you love,you try understand. You shake with emotions, tears running down your cheeks. Uncontrollable, hurting,anxiety. Sleepless nights, fear,maddening thoughts. I will control, I will make things the way I want. No, not like that – like this. No……..

No matter what you try – what is meant to be will be! So give up control,let it go. Let the universe & all that it is – bring together what is truly meant to be. Let all the puzzle pieces fall into place the way they want,the way they should. Let them go where they need to, life will slowly be bright again. You will see.

You are destined for immeasurable love. Destined to have good people in your life. Destined to be someone’s only one,someone’s everything.

Give up the reigns,take back your energy. Let the universe & all it’s made of do your bidding, fill your life.

My Heart,My Soul….

Lying next to him hearing him breathing & watching him sleep so soundly I hold my breathe not wanting to wake him. Taking in every little breathe he takes, taking in his secnt, taking in his beauty! He has the most special soul, a bright,shining soul that consumes you. His aura shines brightly calling to my soul even in his sleep.

I am in awe!! He is the love of my life! My pillar of strength. My supernova!

He carry’s me when I want to give up. He brings me out of my darkness with his bright,loving aura & his incredible soul. He calls to my heart, my soul with so much strength,light & immeasurable love. He is the rarest of rare gems.

He is the miracle I needed at the deepest,lowest,darkest days of my life. The only man to truly show me love,care & support. He is my every heart beat,every breath I take,every thought,every smile. My protector,my friend,my lover,my all. Our unbreakable bond keeps me going. Our love a story to be told. A special, unexpected, rare gem of a story.

Never thought it possible to meet & share my life with such an incredible, incredible soul. I feel so incredibly blessed. Just over a year with him & I can’t imagine my life without him. We complete each other. I have my Angel!!