My Life,My Thoughts

Thoughts…..

Today my heart is breaking….

You see I am 47 and in a relationship for just over a year with a 21 year old. We love each other dearly but, seem to both be so emotionally invested in each other that we have these blow up fights over unnecessary things.

Why do you hurt the people you love? Why say hurtful things when you are angry that hurt deeply and can’t be forgotten? Unfortunately we both sit with this thing of we aren’t good enough for the other. I feel like all I do is say and do the wrong things and he in turn feels the same way. It’s really ridiculous!!

I’m an over Thinker unfortunately and that causes so much problems – how do I stop that? I know that everything happens when and if it should. I truly believe that, but my mind pushes me to levels that are unnecessary.

Him being young,extremely good looking with a body to die for who can have any women he wants, makes me feel insecure. How does a 47 year old woman whose body isn’t great anymore compete with the young girls with amazing bodies etc? Maybe compete is the wrong word I don’t know. I know that sounds stupid and he has told me many times it’s me he wants.

How do I stop this over thinking krap? How do I trust our hearts and relationship without thinking up stupid scenarios of him meeting someone else,etc? I know all relationships have issues similar to this but,this over thinking krap is tooo much for me and him. I do believe what is meant to happen will happen and no matter what you do whatever is meant to happen will happen at the time it’s meant to, our relationship is proof of that.

I always said I would never have a relationship with someone more than a few years younger than me but, the chemistry and instant bond we have had from the beginning is something I’ve never experienced before. Our relationship just happened, randomly happened and is the best thing that could have happened to me. We got together in weird circumstances, which should actally make me feel incredible but,sadly it doesn’t because of my stupid over thinking. I feel extremely blessed and extremely lucky to have him in my life,I really do. So why am I doing this???

On the one hand I’m anxious and over thinking the scenarios of him meeting someone else where his mind and emotions are with them instead of me and our relationship, and I end up losing him and on the other hand I believe our love can pull us through anything. We have been through so much and both of us could have left but,we keep choosing each other and staying together to work through everything. I believe in him and in our love and relationship but my Damn mind!!!!

The thing is the love I feel for him is soul consuming. I know for a fact he is my true love!!! He is my all!! He makes me feel incredible,beautiful, sexy and loved. He makes me see myself differently. He is more of a man than any man I have ever met!! He treats me with the kind of love and support I’ve never experienced before. He has supported me in my darkest days and stood by me when no-one else did. The scary thing is that he has the power to totally destroy me because he has much of me. He has all my heart and soul!

Please someone help me to stop over thinking,I’m destroying the most precious, incredible thing in my life because of it.

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6 responses to “Thoughts…..”

  1. Paula R.C. Readman Avatar
    Paula R.C. Readman

    Step back and take a deep breathe. Apart from loving each other deeply what other things to you share? Falling in love with someone has to be more than just how each other looks. As we age our looks fade. We lose our sex drive. So ask yourself what else is in your relationship that holds you together?
    Do you keep each other smiling through tough times. Do you find yourself say or thinking the same thing. Hey, I was just thinking that.
    Once we start building a lasting relationship the everyday things we share are the sort of things we can’t image share with anyone else. They are the things which will bonded us together forever.
    my sister and her husband have a 30 year age gap and are celebrating 34 years of married today.

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    1. JSC Avatar
      JSC

      Hi. Thank you so much for replying to my post. There is so much involved with us. We truly feel like one person. We fight but,then talk after the fight and sort things out. He is the most caring,supportive and loving man I have ever met. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t look at the outside, he looks at my heart and the type of person I am and he is deeply in love with that.and that he thinks I am amazing and beautiful and sexy with an incredible heart. So there definitely is loads more than looks between us. The bond we share is incredible,we can feel when the other isn’t right even when we aren’t together. When we fight we both break down. We can’t stand fighting and we miss each other when we apart for even just a little while. It is definitely a sound thing. This is why I need to stop my over thinking. How do I do that? I believe what you bring into the universe happens and if I don’t stop this my worst nightmare will happen because of my continuous ridiculous over thinking and anxiety. You see most of my life I was used and abused mentally,physically and sexually by men I trusted and been cheated on numerous times. I know that has a lot to do with my anxiety and over thinking stupid scenarios. I really need to stop but,how???
      You give me so much hope seeing thatbthey are still together. This is what we want to be together until our dying days. He takes care of me when I’m ill,give me random forehead kisses which to me is one of theost loving and intimate things to do. He wakes up at night and makes sure the blankets are covering me. He makes food and coffee for me. He thinks of loving and cute things to do with me and for me. He will protect me with his life this I know. I’ve never felt safer. So how do I stop it and not destroy the most incredible relationship and man???

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      1. Paula R.C. Readman Avatar
        Paula R.C. Readman

        It’s insecurity my dear. Once you reach five year mark things will be different. My husband is five years younger than me. Okay five years is nothing, but it was a real problem for me. I was coming out of a bad marriage and learning to stand on my own two feet. I like you weren’t a very trusting person. I had been let down too many times in the past. I thought he would walk into my life promise the world and then disappear. I had a young son to think about too. Trust doesn’t happen overnight it has to be earned. Step by step, day by day and sometimes years. My husband said he knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I tested him continuously. But he had the patience of a saint. Taking his time with me, knowing he might have to win me over again and again. After ten years of living together and many times asking me to marry him I gave in and said yes.

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        1. JSC Avatar
          JSC

          Thank you so much. We sound so much a like. I do test him continuously and need reassurance a lot. Wjich I know drives him crazy but, he doesnt give up. Gets frustrated but,stays and works through itall and tries to give me what I need.What you are saying is all too familiar. Thank you so much. It really helps talking to someone who understands and has been through similar things. Not everyone understands. I love him so much he really is my life. I don’t want to destroy us.

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          1. Paula R.C. Readman Avatar
            Paula R.C. Readman

            I’m sure things will get better. Learn to relax more. Be positive. I know it will be hard but you must believe in each other and enjoy your time together and keep building positive memories.

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  2. JSC Avatar
    JSC

    Thank you.

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