Stop!!! Think!!!! Speak!!! Trust!!!

Her being her own worst enemy, the one who destroys the good in her life.

The overthinker who reacts and expects the worst because well…. that’s what she has been shown all her life!!

Whenever she has had good in her life where she has broken down her walls, felt she can trust and felt happy and at peace, there has always been something to destroy it.

She has grown up to DEFEND, DEFEND,DEFEND, has had to do that since a very young age!!!! Now she defends when she doesn’t need to. When she needs to talk before defending, – she fears, when her thoughts go crazy – she fears. She hurts daily, wants to break down, to scream, to give up!!!

That is all she knows! How does she stop that? How does she learn to talk without fear when all her life she has been knocked down, shouted at, been made to feel small and unimportant when she has tried to talk.

She looses the words she has in her mind – if only she could say everything that runs through her mind, her emotions – they don’t want to get to her mouth so she can speak. All locked up inside driving her crazy, making her over think again and again and again. So much fear of fighting, of things going out of control when she talks, so she keeps quiet and lets it eat her up inside – she says nothing so then there will be peace – atleast peace in the outside world. As long as there is no fighting, as long as no-one is upset or unhappy she will keep quiet. After all, all she wants is for everyone to be happy and not feel the pain she feels, not letting others feel worthless like she does, not letting others question themselves like she does everyday.

All her life made to feel like either a show piece for all the men to use and abuse, or made to feel like nothing, like she doesn’t matter. Her feelings, her thoughts – nothing matters.

Grown up but, yet still caught up in that fear, that hurt, the memories that just wont go away, the words that cut like a knife – repeating over and over in her mind, the sad, terrifying events that she had to endure since she was a little girl playing over and over ,even though she is now all grown up but, still that little girl who had to DEFEND,DEFEND,DEFEND.

She has been broken so so many times that she doesn’t know how to trust that she can talk freely, that there is someone who will patiently wait for her to find her words, will let her say how she feels and know that she will be heard and understood without judgement, without assumptions, without fights, without her feeling like less of a person. Every time she has found the words and courage it has been destroyed making it feel like her feelings aren’t valid, making it more and more difficult and scared to open up.

She so so desperately needs to open up and talk but, how? Either the words don’t come at all or they come out wrong. After all the years of people showing her that how she feels is not valid and people treating her as they please, getting to their own egotistical assumptions. breaking her down, telling her she’s lying, imagining things. killing her spirit, hurting her in so many ways it’s indescribable. All the years that she has lost the words, she has lost her voice……

All she needs is that one person to sit patiently waiting for her to find her words, find her voice. That one person who will truly listen to what she is saying or atleast trying to say. That one person who will try understand her even when what she is trying to say doesn’t make sense or even sometimes contradicts, that one person who will put their ego aside and truly listen – her not being able to express herself drives her crazy, makes her want to scream. All she wants to do is open up and talk – a huge cry for help but, how does she do it??? HOW???

Stop!!! Think!!!! Speak!!! Trust!!!